» The Soundtrack of your Life

Craig David, Seeeven Days (almost)
No funnies but this is one QOTW I can definitely contribute to.

I'll keep the backstory brief, even though it felt like a lifetime when it was happening.

My brother forages for food - it's awesome, he'll find most of a meal growing wild for nothing. I've eaten foraged meals of his and they're mostly delicious, apart from the odd one which tastes more on the rectal side of "interesting". Another fact you need to know is that when he was younger he had a sort of quasi-ironic obsession with Craig David. You remember - "seven days" and "can you fiiill me iiiin".

Last spring he accidentally ate Hemlock. This is one of the half-dozen most deadly plants growing wild in the UK. It causes total body paralysis, including vital organs. He collapsed at his house and stopped breathing. He was airlifted to hospital, and his heart stopped at least once.

When I arrived there, he was in a coma. My family were there, and we held each other up as best we could, but it was a tough call. I hadn't seen my dad cry hysterically, ever, and it still makes me get pretty choked thinking about it. None of us were ready for him to die.

He stayed in a coma for six days. We spent most of that time in the intensive care waiting room. When they said they were going to try and bring him round we were terrified. He might not wake up - he might be braindead. If he did wake up, he might be brain damaged, as the time not breathing might have starved his brain of oxygen.

After an agonising wait whilst they brought him off the drug cocktail which had been keeping him alive, they let me and my other brother in. His eyes were half open. I started crying immediately just because he wasn't braindead. My other bro, who is well'ard, started talking to him, telling him things were going to be fine, that we'd been here all the time, that mum had kept a diary so that when he was back on his feet we could fill him in on what he'd missed.

without even thinking, i sang the little craig david line "fill you in" at him, like we used to as kids.

he smiled, and it was the best, most amazing thing i'd ever seen. cause that, that little smile, that meant that inside that puffy, swollen, half-shaven face, those red, teary eyes, inside that head my brother was still in there and still knew me and our stupid in-jokes.

craig david, thanks for making such bloody catchy music, you old bastard.
(Mon 1st Feb 2010, 20:59, More)

» Festivals

Reading '99
On the first night, round our campfire, some young men stopped by who may have partaken in various intoxicating substances that day. They were kind enough to introduce us to their pet, "Bobby". Bobby, I must disclose now, was a small wood-and-metal fold-up chair.

They shared their enormous bottle of irn-bru with us then left to make more campfire companions.

Three days later, it's the morning we all have to leave, i'm lying in my tent thinking about all the reasons i don't want to have to get up and take it down, and I hear a piercing, truly anguished cry,

"NO! Someone's put bobby on the FIRE!!"

That gave me enough of a guffaw to help me out of my sleeping bag that morning. My condolences to Bobby's "parents" whoever you were.
(Sun 7th Jun 2009, 18:12, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

sweet sweet meat
In some godforsaken moment of madness probably brought on my my parents persistent invitations to go running with them when i visit (i maintain, running should never be placed in the same sentence as fun, unless it involves laughing at, and participants) i decided to use my long weekend last autumn to go on a long bike ride.

I cycled from Bristol to the Forest of Dean on this little whim - packed some snacks and enough cash to stay at a little pub i found, and made it to the middle of the forest. It was a lovely ride, and at 35-40 miles of hilly ground to get there, was about as much as my un-trained legs could handle.

So the next day i decided a detour to Tintern would be fun, to see the abbey an stuff, seeing as i was on some sort of weird, stubby holiday of sorts. On the way i stopped to check out a tiny village church as i have a fascination with them and particularly enjoy making loud noises in the echoey bits. On this occasion, the echoey bits had responded with gusto, so i decided to put a couple of quid in their collection box. And then, in an act i can only attribute to my undoubted early-onset dementia, I proceeded to leave my wallet, complete with credit cards, in the church.

So i get halfway home, and my stomach is rumbling like a herd of stampeding wildebeast, and i see this lovely old school roadside caff. they make bacon sarnies, so i order one with a massive grin on my face, as never is a bacon butty so guilt-free as when you "need" it to ride the rest of the way home. the cashier asked how far i'd come (must have been wearing my bike helmet) and i described my route. she was duly impressed and wished me luck. At this point, i got out my rucksack and rooted about for my cash. It took some time before the realisation sank in that it was not going to be found.

Trying not to look and sound too dejected and utterly failing, I asked her to cancel my order as i did not have anything to pay her with. Before i could start snivelling, i walked out and cursed my way back to my bike.

This sensational woman then ran after me and offered me the sandwich anyway. I was more grateful than I'd ever been for any food-related gift, ever, and the sandwich tasted like it had been crafted by moses himself, in the sandwich shop in the sky.

I continued my ride with a full stomach and enjoyed it all the more for this little episode.

i got her name before i went, and sent her chocolates when i got back. i like the idea of nice deeds going round and round.

apologies for length - if you were fitter you wouldn't be so knackered anyway
(Sun 5th Oct 2008, 11:29, More)

» Good Advice

short and sweet
a mate told me this rhyme for some simple guidance:

to keep your relatioship brimming
with love in the loving cup
whenever you're wrong admit it
whenever you're right shut up


nowt so true.
(Wed 26th May 2010, 23:36, More)

» Mistaken Identity

i think not
i got told i looked like Myleene from that first Popstars band, Hearsay, by some random woman in the queue for the cashpoint.

naturally, i kicked her in the snatch and went to a different one, tutting in disgust whilst hoping fervently i didn't look like a vapid, fickle bint with no hope of ever achieving more than a tenuous sham of a musical career. in vain, obviously.
(Fri 1st Jun 2007, 22:49, More)