b3ta.com user Thomas_The_Spankengine
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» Kids

The Tran Game
Our neighbours have an adopted son originally from SE Asia. His name is Tran and he's 7.

I invented a silly little game called 'The Tran Game'. Some of my friends love it, and email me new examples all the time, but Mrs Spankengine has never, ever thought it even remotely funny.

It started like this:
One day I spotted Tran playing out in the snow. I called Mrs Spankengine over and said to her: "Oh look! The little boy over the road is playing in the snow. He's all wrapped up, but do you think that jacket he's got on is too small for him?"
"No, I don't think so" says Mrs Spankengine after a quick look.
"Yes It is" I insist. "Look again".
So she does. "No, it seems OK to me?"

Me (feigning exasperation this time): "Look again - isn't his jacket too small? Is Tran's Vest Tight?"

It took some explaining until she got it but to this day she doesn't think it's funny at all.

Click 'I like this' if you get it and you think it's funny.
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 20:29, More)

» Accidental innuendo

"I've never been so proud of my wife"
Mrs Spankengine and I have some very dear friends who are a gay couple.

One day over dinner the conversation drifts round to the whole 'opposites attract' issue. One illustration of this phenomenon is - according to Mrs Spankengine - her observation that in every happy couple there is always an organised and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less organised one (me). It helps if one partner is more obsessed with tidiness than the other, right?

Nods of recognition all round from me and the gay chaps.

"So" she asks brightly. "Which one of you two is the anal one?".

I froze, nearly choked, excused myself, grabbed my Blackberry and emailed this delightful and innocent innuendo to everyone I could possibly find, using the same header as this post. Amazingly, nobody else at dinner had even registered this gem.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 23:07, More)

» Beautiful Moments, Part Two

Babies in arms
Not that recent, but I saw the photo again this week so that counts, right?

About four years ago Mrs Spankengine and I adopted twin daughters. It all happened incredibly fast - we got the call on the Saturday and by Monday we were signing away our freedom (I won't go into all the details about how we ended up at this decision in our lives, but there's a few stories on this QOTW that I read and shed a tear to).

Long story short, we met the biological mother early afternoon, then met her parents, who really had been bringing up these beautiful girls (aged 9 months at the time). A truly magical time - it still feels like we were walking on holy ground.

The photo in question? Myself and Mrs S each holding one of these little girls, who both promptly settled and then fell asleep in our arms. The grandparents told us at that moment They Knew, and so did we. And I think so did the girls.

That's what love at first sight feels like.
(Sun 8th Aug 2010, 3:30, More)

» IT Support

"Paging IT. Windows issue"
When I started my last job, I was given the office that had, officially, 'The Best View in the Company'. Across the street lived a nubile young lady who had a phobia for closing her blinds, and a propensity for walking around naked several times a day. We would duly be treated to an impromptu show in the morning when she got up, then during the day when (we think) she came back from the gym, and if we'd been really good boys and were working late she might even entertain a young man of an evening.
Needless to say she was a legend in the building.

As if the floor show wasn't enough I worked it to my advantage, too: I made a deal with IT that if I paged them, they needed to show up pronto. Sometimes it was for the show; sometimes it was to fix my laptop. I like to think I was even-handed.

The unintended, very Pavlovian, effect, though, was that after a while every time I paged IT I'd get a string of visitors to my office.
(Sun 27th Sep 2009, 4:04, More)

» Evil Pranks

"Where's Mandy?"
My brother's stag night, a couple of years ago. Many drinks, much hilarity, gradually winding down in our hotel lobby.
When my brother's future brother-in-law pipes up: "Look as this phone I found in the club. It's a nice one, I might keep it". He hands it round.

It might have been a nice phone, but of course all we really wanted was its number.

Bro-in-law pockets the new toy and forgets about it. About 30 minutes later, it starts ringing: "You should answer it" we say. "Maybe it'll be the owner and you can give it back".

So he answers it.

"Where's Mandy?? Are you with my bird? Who the fuck are you - put that slag on the phone NOW!" shouts the guy at the other end. Brother in law stammers a few pleasantries and hangs up, looking slightly pale.

A few minutes later it rings again, with a similar, angry "you'd better not be with my bird" but this time throws in for good measure "I'm coming right down to your hotel with my mates and if I find Mandy with you I'm going to beat the shit out of you". Any remaining cockiness evaporates a second later, when Angry Boyfriend mentions the precise name and address of the hotel we're currently standing in.

He runs for his room, shitting himself.

So we say goodnight to him, and once he's out of sight our mate who'd actually made the calls reappears from just outside the hotel. Cue much hilarity.

Of course, we waited a few minutes, then went up to his room. Angry Boyfriend pounds on his door and shout "Mandy you bitch I know you're in there get out here NOW".

Imagine his surprise when he finally opens the door.....

He didn't live that one down for a while.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 19:03, More)
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