» * PFFT *

12 years ago
I was in a history lesson at secondary school, and unbeknown to me, my stomach wasn't proving to be my best friend. I had been farting all morning on the way to school and the smell was of pure rotting egg consistency, so I was holding on until the end of the first lesson.

15 minutes to go until the end, and the pressure on my stomach was immense. I was in pain and was feeling quite ill. There was only one thing for it, I'd have to let it out slowly in small blips in the hope that it wouldn't smell too bad.

So that what I did, except it wasn't one small silent but violent, but a rather loud rip followed by the sound of a bubbling swamp. To my horror I had shit through the eye of a needle straight into my boxers.

Everyone looked, laughed, and then choked violently at the smell. Within 60 seconds the classroom was engulfed with my fumes. But that wasn't my concern, I was sitting in my own liquidated faeces with a shocked look on my face.

Length? About 30 seconds after it all happened I got up and walked to the little boys room, as it trickled down the full 32 inches of my inside leg.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:34, More)

» Terrible Parenting

My father
Used to take the opportunity anytime possible to knock a piece of living shit out of me whenever I did anything wrong. He thought fear of his attacks on me would set me on the straight and narrow.

Usually it would involve being slammed against the wall face first causing serious nose bleeds (My nose was broken enough times). Other times he would pin my back to the wall, and then take a good low blow to the stomach and winding me. Others involve smacking me around the head and smacking my arse full pelt.

Once in my teens, I couldn't go out in fear of coming home without getting another kick-in, so spent my time never going out cos I was always under curfew. Anyway, the list goes on and on.

He's a alcoholic, heavy smoking, short tempered bastard, and he's turned me into that very person. Cos that's how I was brought up. Only difference is that I don't want kids, cos I dare not try to go any further down that path.

Bad Parenting enough for ya?

/end emo blog
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 22:25, More)

» Shoplifting

Daylight Robbery
Well as some of you may know, I was once a department Manager at a Sainsburys store. Once a week, at the same time, the camera which kept an eye on the Audio/Visual cage would undergo some checks. During the day it was never locked. So during those checks I'd help myself to an item of interest. Anyway, they knew stock was going missing, so they randomised the checks.

So instead I would often just help myself to whatever came in at the rear reception where all the deliveries were made. The guys on the back always remained logged into their handset check-in accounts... so I would check the stock in and minus from the invoice what I wanted.

Total Booty that left the shop during my little spree:

17 CDs
22 DVDs
14 Games
6 Books
and 3 wrongful sackings of suspected thieving staff.

They loved it, the slags!
(Thu 17th Jan 2008, 1:25, More)

» Failed

Good Old Driving Tests eh?
My first one involved a pretentious old bat, who looked like she should had been dead years ago. For some strange reasons unbeknown to every instructor in Oxfordshire, I was taken off the test route and down this road. It was tight and slopely rather like a nuns passage, and being the driving test virgin I was, decided to take this corner on a slope at a trusty 5 MPH.

Before I could even change down to first gear on this steep slope, the old bat slammed on the brakes and grabbed the steering wheel!! I was like,

"What the hell you doing!" before she replied.

"You Almost hit that wall! I had to stop the car in the interest of safety!"

I flipped my lid. "It's at least 20 meters away!"

"Yes, but you were going too fast!"

Well cunt me in the fuck! If five whole spectacularly face shredding miles an hour is too fast I would have taken a friggin turtle to my test that day. Maybe then I wouldn't have added another 3 serious faults to my score during the test cos I was seriously pissed off!

Well I've passed now! But it's proof that old people should be banned on roads full stop!
(Sun 7th Jan 2007, 1:36, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

I was a department manager @ Sainsburys
You know the store I'm talking about. That one that was on the whistle blower program on BBC 1 for rigging the temperatures in books. But I didn't get fired for that, that was after my time there.

Anyway as a manager, I'd treat my team with respect. Me and the guys would often play football in the warehouse when no-one was looking, let the staff do what they wanted so long as the other management didn't catch on, and I allowed them to work at their own pace. My team loved me!

Loved me so much in fact that I slept with 2 female members of the team as well as a further 2 from other departments in the store. I used to take long winded breaks, which would last 4 times as long as they should of. Plus I used to clock in after lunch, do about 30 minutes, bugger off home until about 15 minutes before the end of my shift, then clock out, and go back home.

I tell ya, working there was tough.

Well actually it was, when the store manager caught me asleep in the smoking room. Aparently I missed a management meeting. This caused me to go on the straight and narrow for about 2 weeks before I suddenly decided to fall ill.

6 Months after leaving, and starting a new job, they realised I wasn't coming back and got rid of me off their books. So on top of my new job's salary I milked some juicy sick pay out of them. My team still misses me though.

Length? Well the 4 women I slept with still miss it. *Budum tish*
(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 0:44, More)