b3ta.com user Duke Fucknuts
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» Why should you be fired from your job?

I work for certain "fruit coloured" phone company, its a very boring job but the pay is pretty good, and to be fair, I do an incredibly small amount of actual work.

At time of writing this I am in work on a 10 hour overtime shift, double time rate equates to just over 20quid an hour.

I am doing absolutely fuck all, we have no mangers in, I have my feet on the desk, reading the sunday independent, eating ritz crackers with cheese an having a general chinwag with my buddies.

I am posting this from my PDA cos b3ta is one of the few sites our admin bother to block (i can get to various porn sites an once found my way onto a site that tells you how to recomission a decomissioned gun?????).

The rest of the day will be filled with highly productive pursutes such as; reading/posting to forums, eating, playing online games, eating, sleeping, watching tv/blackadder on youtube/portable dvd player/online games, eating, covering my collegues pc with post-it notes, eating, staring at co-workers tits, eating, and maybe take a call from 1 of our beloved customers to tell them that they have no signal cos our network is shit.

Additionally I will spend AT LEAST 1/3 of my shift sat on the crapper looking at porn on my phone.

We really don't give a fuck if your phone doesn't work.

I strongly believe I should be sacked.......

legnth? my astonishing lazyness will last at least untill retirement......
(Sun 12th Aug 2007, 13:22, More)

» School Trips

lifelong memories
Alton towers,
the girl with the biggest juicest breasts in the school completely failing to keep them from bouncing about like pumkins on a trampoline on the Nemesis rollercoaster,
saw a bit of nipple,
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 23:58, More)

» My most gullible moment

my older brother...
was a bit of a cnut when i was younger..

he once told me if you leave the microwave door open after use all the radiation it uses to cook stuff will escape and get into the room and give you cancer.

he also told me if you eat chewing gum after eating crisps, the combination of ingredients creates a poison that makes you really sick.

he was a bit of a fucker back then.

(still get a bit nervous around the microwave tho)
(Thu 21st Aug 2008, 21:54, More)

» Faking it

faking class
I am currently living in a self contained flat in a very rich family's 5 story geoegian town house in the poshest part of the city. I swindled my way into this position by me and gf pretending to be of good breeding and having class. I managed this by feigning a knowledge of wine, the south of france and having a fine collection of cashmere cardigans.

Little do they know I slob out in my grubby shreddies farting alot and using foul language to amuse myself.

I also actively encourage my cat to shit in their flower beds.

And to top it all off, due to my gf depositing/retreiving their spoilt little offspring from the local massively expensive private school eachday, we live here rent free!

yay for me!

Stupid upper-middle class cunts....
(Wed 16th Jul 2008, 14:35, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

quite tame compared to some of the others....
ok here's my list:

getting to work 30 mins before anyone else, just so I can trawl through the latest additions to icanhascheezburger, I just love those funny kittehs, theyz make me lolz so hard I dribble

nose picking, the feeling of pulling out a crusty bit of nose gold that has rooted itself deep into my sinus cavity, feeling it pull right from the back, fantastic

a deep proud respect for the BBC, I know its full of shit daytime crap, and I can't stand all that flog-the-crap-in-your-attic for measly cash bollocks, but something about BBC News 24 reeks of class and gets me feeling all patriotic. ITV is just shit in comparison

farting in enclosed areas with other people and getting away with it, usually after dropping a particularly foul one I stare and tut in disgust at any female in the room passing the blame on (the more attractive the female the better)

Grand designs

perving at women on the bus whilst pretending to read my book

curling out a long satisfying steamer on company time

"I'm blue" by Eifell 65, genius.

the pleasue gained from a witty, off-the-cuff legnth joke, such as...errr shit
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 7:50, More)
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