b3ta.com user djlumpyrulesok
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it pays to advertise

which explains me being skint

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» More nice things

San Francisco
Ten years ago, I was pretty much at rock bottom.

My attempts at going for it by ditching my 9 to 5 job in IT and becoming an international superstar dj had cost me my marriage, my home, and thanks to a nasty drugs habit, my sanity. I was seriously depressed, and literally down to my last tenner. The only good thing I had was running my little club night that survived by dint of a free venue and some great friends who would come to the club, every month, regular as clockwork, sometimes from hundreds of miles away.

One particular night, the regular crowd was down, including Steve, a project manager by day, dj by night, and sound bloke 24/7. He takes me aside during the night and says

'Listen, Lumpy, me and some of the boys have been invited to Dj in San Francisco. Its going to be awesome, but it just wouldn't be the same if you weren't there. If I sorted you out a ticket and found you a sofa to sleep on, would you come?'

I cried.

I had felt so low up to that point, so utterly directionless and lost that I had no idea how to pull myself out of the tailspin that I was in. Steve gave me something that I hadnt known since the world was young - something to look forward to.

I accepted his wonderful offer, and realised that I would need some spending money for the trip so that I didn't have to sponge off anyone for drinks and food. I got myself a crappy temping job in an office, and started getting a little cash together.

The trip came around, and four of us flew out. I'd managed to get some sofa space with a dj friend who lived out there. In Pacific Heights. In an enormous house in one of the best locations the city had to offer. The place was owned by an artist who rented rooms out to up and coming creative types who needed a warm friendly environment to work. The house was filled with paintings and sculptures and kindred spirits, happy to share food, time and stories.

When we played at the club, the brits absolutely tore the arse off of the place. My own contribution was small, but it was so much fun seeing the locals literally run into the room to hear us play. At the end of the night, the promoter came by and passed us all envelopes. Mine had almost the same amount of cash in it that I had scraped together for the trip. I was gobsmacked - i'd expected to play for a few beers.

The rest of the week was a flurry of random, raw experience - having a pass made at me by another dj, visiting the museum of comic book art, getting sunburned in November, making a pilgrimage to Hunter S Thompson's apartment where he wrote his book on Hells Angels, paddling in the sea by the Golden Gate Bridge whilst watching pelicans fly overhead, a shared lunch in an Armenian restaurant, buying vinyl at Amoeba records, and many many beers accompanied by many many laughs.

This trip turned my life around. From here, things just got better and better.

Ive never had the chance to pay Steve back. Whilst still good friends, we don't mix in the same circles any more, and I haven't seen him in the flesh for years. I'd like to think that he knew that his incredible act of kindness probably saved my life. One day, I hope to help someone out the way he helped me.

Apologies for length, but it just all poured out.
(Fri 21st Nov 2014, 23:17, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

The Incredible Bullshitting Man...And His Crab
About 15 years ago, and I was hard at work, fucking up doing a PHd. Part of this invoved woring nights in a research facility near Warrington. When we knocked off shift at about 11 am, myself and fellow graduate Cheesy Dave would head off to the pub, which we would then chase down with a few spliffs in order to knock ourselves out.
Whilst in the pub in Warringtn, Cheesy Dave and I were just discussing skinning up, when The Incredible Bullshitting Man And His Crab appeared.

'Got any gear lads?'

Cheeky Cunt

'Erm no sorry mate we were just saying how much we wish we had some'

Thus diverted, The Incredible Bullshitting Man And His Crab plonks himself down, and decides to talk at us about all the things that he had achieved with his life. This unlikely list included:

Being Engelbert Humperdinks manager ('Bastard ripped me off')
Owning a gold mine in Australia ('I only bought it for a couple of dollers')
Fighting in the Vietnam War (against the 'Jimmies')
and discovering how UFOs flew ('the engine is a sphere of copper with rotating mercury inside')

Fearing a care in the community case, we made our excuses and left pronto, but not before he reaches into his coat pocket and plops a live crab on the table.

'I was going to eat that, but I think I will give it to my dog now'.
The crab returned to his pocket, and we returned, soewhat rattled, to our digs.

Apologies for length, its swollen with the surgery.
(Tue 18th Jan 2011, 9:07, More)

» Dad stories

My Dad is amazing
one Christmas when I was a student (the first time around), he got me a half oz of resin
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 23:07, More)

» Unusual talents

Snail Wrangling
I run snail races for fairs and parties etc.

Its called The Monopod Grand Prix

You start a race by shouting 'Ready Steady SLOW!'

Some snails really are naturally faster than others
(Sat 20th Nov 2010, 19:08, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

At my junior school, there was this lad called Colin who was truly blessed with amazing Aunties.

One of them danced for Legs and Co (youngsters hit Google, or preferably Youtube now)

His other Auntie was Professor Rubik, inventor of the Rubiks Cube etc. Slight catch, in that Professor Ernő Rubik is a geezer.
(Tue 18th Jan 2011, 23:57, More)
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