b3ta.com user Papa Chocolat
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i am a mighty genius

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» Strict Parents

This kid I know Luke has older parents. Fair enough. All of our parents are older than us. But these are the Daily Mail Hyacinth Bucket Variety and their downstairs toilet is set aside for use only by the Queen. Not even Luke is allowed to use it.

Now I was round my other mate Jared's house with a few other mates and we decided to go for a little walk round the faceless housing estate he lived on, picking Luke up on the way.

We arrived and luke's house and rang the doorbell. Jared, being acquainted with Luke's mum and dad lapped up the welcome and conversation they gave him as luke prepared hisself for later.

My other mate Spraggs saw the golden opportunity to go and take a shit in the sacred guarderobe. We all know Spraggs, or all know a Spraggs. The cheery chappy everyone loves, with a glint in his eye and a nose for mischief. Anyway. As Jared engaged Mr and Mrs Luke in conversation and Lamming and myself waited outside, unbeknownst to us spraggs crept inside, opening the door to the sacred piss place across the hall.

He then, in full view of me and Lamming who were standing in teh doorway, pulled down his pantaloons and sat on the sacred stool admiring the hideous plates with kittens on that clung to the vile pink wall.

the guffaws from the doorway became too much and mrs luke went to have a look at what the source of the mirth could be. And to her horror, as she turned round the corridoor what did she see? Spraggs, sitting on her throne, squeezing out a fresh one. "'Allo Mrs Luke" he grinned and she slammed the door in his face.

Spraggs opened the door after two minutes of exclamations of "it's a big 'un!" and "ooooh it wont flush!" to a flabberghasted pair of parents and 3 spotty oiks pissing themselves with laughter.
(Sun 11th Mar 2007, 23:57, More)

» Hypocrisy

In case I haven't said before here, I'm an Amish Mennonite from Ohio. Now my dear Old Grandfather fell off his cart ferrying some hay into town and had to have his hip replaced. Being Amish however, he doesn't believe in new technology, so had the replacement carved out of a very strong old oak instead of steel or plastic wrought with ungodly technology. After the operation however he was so shocked to find that he had been summoned to court for not paying his hostpital bills! The money worshipping fools at the hospital saw that he didn't have insurance, so instead of asking him to pay upfront (which he could and later did) they just sent the bailiffs round!

It was the biggest hip oak writ I had ever seen!

PS. Gramps is fine now lol!
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 18:48, More)

» Common

on facebook....
'i lost me fone while i woz pisd n now i need ya numbas lol' groups

You don't need my number for you are not my friend.
(Sat 18th Oct 2008, 22:39, More)

» The Credit Crunch

Why I hate the Credit Crunch.
Michty aye there

Ill bloody tell youns what gets on me tats aboot tha so called 'credit crunch'(ffs it not be an economic brekkie cereal) Overinflated financial 'experts' scribble in the newspapers or appear shiny faced and shiny tied on the telly predicting economic apocolypse and a return to feudalism as they lean seriously into the camera.

The hysterical masses, most of whom can't count, let alone understand a complex economic system lap up the swivel-eyed doom mongering shat at them by the media machine, just because the man on the TV has a suit, glasses and is talking in the imperative case.

The sad truth is that the economist realises that salacious gutterdwellers in need of perpetuating fear to sell their newspapers or to hook the brainless onto their 24 hour news channels will pay lots of money for you to do your best Private Frazer impression rather than provide an informed, academic interpretation of the country's financial state. If you were to do this, the answer would probably be 'I don't know what's going to happen, Nobody does. This isn't as bad as 1929 because nobody is throwing thesmelves out of windows. It can never be the same as the 1930s because the markets work in a different way'

What's more is that they blame me instead of natural market forces.For this I'm probably going to lose my job to be replaced by a thumbfaced fuckwit whose idea of economic regeneration is to lock up everybody without a job.

love from
The Rt. Hon. G. Brown

P.S. I love cock
(Fri 23rd Jan 2009, 1:32, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Try and find the logic in the following story
It was easter and I was 4 years old. My family and I were round my grandparents house, for the occasion and had just finished a Roast Dinner typical of one British families traditionally east to celebrate the death and subsequent resurrection of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

Anyway, as the rest of the family retired to the dining room to watch the vicar of dibley and drink more red wine, my father gave me a Cadbury's 'Flake', for twas the season.

As he handed me the yellow wonderfulness he casually remarked

"Oh yea, if you get this on the carpet you'll turn into a pumpkin"

To this day my bastarded father denies this
(Sat 18th Aug 2007, 0:07, More)
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