» Cringe!

I REALLY, REALLY, shouldn't tell this.
But I will. But it means I can never show my face at any B3ta get together and may change my user name in a moment.


When I lived in the south of England my local pub had quite a nice habit of having late night lock ins. Not for everybody of course, the landlady had a selected few of her favourite locals whom where invite to stay behind and consume vast amounts of ale.

One such evening myself and maybe half a dozen friends where quaffing to our hearts' content until maybe six in the morning. I nipped to the loo for an extended pee and when I came back everybody had gone, and the front door was locked and the landlady was nowhere to be seen.

Wondering where the landlady had gone, I called her name, "Sarah?" I shouted (Name changed to protect me).

No answer.

I made my way behind the bar and up the stairs to her private flat shouting "Sarah" all the way.

I opened the door to her private flat and see Sarah lying, crashed out on her sofa.

I sit beside her and not wanting to scare her gently shake her shoulders.
"Sarah! Sarah, you have to let me out."

She comes to, blinks her eyes, recognises me and quite deliberatley reahces out her hand and starts rubbing my crotch.

"I wondered how long it would take you before you found your way here" she purred (actually she slurred, but purred sounds a bit better.)

I am a guy, and contact between a lady's hand and my man bits causes an immediate and totally involuntary rush of blood and turns-off all other senses.

I began kissing her, and like all good porn stars begin gently probing her mouth with my tongue.

RIGHT. This is the cringe bit. I have withheld certain information until this point for maximum effect.

I was about 21.

Sarah was around 65.

Her false teeth fell out.

*currently running round my office screaming "NONONONONONONO"*

suggestions for new user name most welcome
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 14:49, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Poker Night
A few of us used to play poker at my house (low stakes nothing interesting) every first Thursday of the month. It became quite popular so we limited it to the first 5 people to arrive. We had a hard and fast rule that you had to be there before 9:00 otherwise I wouldn't open the door.

Anyway about 10:30, and we've had a few dozen hands when there is a knock at the door.
"Tuff!" is the unspoken thought as we ignore the tapping and continue with the hand.
The house was an old terraced house in Reading where the front door opens straight into the front room.
Then a credit card is slipped thru the gap in the door frame. Someone was trying to pop the Yale lock. Dave, the largest of our party, quickly springs up and opens the door.

Cue somewhat startled looking chaff, arm still raised with credit card in hand. Looks past Dave at 5 not at all small people smiling at him.

"Is er,...er... er Pete in " says chaff.
Dave says "Start running!"

About ten minutes later, Dave comes back with the guy's jacket, trainers and HIS socks.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 15:28, More)

» I witnessed a crime

crime prevention
This is my mate's story but as he is not a B3tan I'll tell it on his behalf.

His nick name is Two Tonne Mick; because
a) his first name is Micheal,
and
b) he wieghs about two tonnes (probably 22 stone).

He and his girlfriend are drving back to their flat in his GF's car. They pull up the communal drive when they see a proper skanky looking skelly using a screwdriver to force the padlock of Two Tonne Micks works van.

Mick casually walks up to the thief just as he gets the padlock off. He then slams the guy's head into the rear door of his van resulting in a near perfect impression of the guy's slack jawed, sloping forehead cranium in the door panel. (will try and get photo of this over the weekend)

You can actually see the thief's startled expression in the dent.

He then started to cry.

Mick never got the panel beaten out, he reckons it wards of other skellies.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 14:53, More)

» IT Support

Dull but true.
We recently changed our email software from from "MS mail" to "Notes".

I am in my lab along with my boss called Gary (who is a nasty right wing shit whom I hate) and a few students. Gary is meant to be teaching the new students a few research techniques.

Without warning our IT technician, Vijay comes in and asks for my password so that he can changed something on the server so that I can access the new "Notes" system.

"I cant tell you my password with all these people here" I say but I am already going bright red.

"S'kay" says techncian "just change it to something new in about 30 minutes"

"I'll write it down for you" says I.
I find a piece of scrap paper and write out "GARY is a CUNT"

Vijay doesnt even blink, takes paper and goes off to do his job.

about 25 minutes later I get an email from Vijay- no message just a title "YES, he is"
(Fri 25th Sep 2009, 12:35, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

In a night club far, far away
I was dancing in a nightclub one weekend when I made eye contact with a strikingly good looking woman about the same age as me (40 odd). Black dress - split from cleavage to navel at the front, and from hip to ankle at the back. She was gorgeous and would be best be described as a "vamp"
We did the usual rituals of smiling / flirting / kinda-not kinda dancing together for about 10 minutes before I plucked up the courage to offer her a drink at the bar.

"Not seen you here before" says I . (God! I am SOOOOooooo crap at chatting up women).
"No" she replies "I only come out once in a blue moon to keep my daughter company" and with this she nods to a teenage come twenty something girl still swinging her hips on the dance floor.
"She's not very confident by herself, so I come out for a bit of moral support" she confides.

"okay dokey" thinks I. The young girl is way out of my league, and the mum probably wouldn't fancy getting "involved" if she is on chaperone duty, so I am politely chatty but not pushy and we continue to dance and drink together for the rest of the evening.

Just before we get thrown out of the club, the young girl comes up to me and says "Errm.! Mum want's to know if you fancy a mother-daughter threesome?"

Did I hear that right?

I look across the room to the mum, who now is a bit drunk, and is using the universal international sign launguage for a blowjob. YEP! I heard right. So much for the shy daughter.

I was quite frankly shocked. I was also quite drunk. I said "Yes please."

We left the club.

The three of us walked, in absolute silence for about 2 blocks and up a fire escape into a very posh looking modern flat. I was thinking this has got to be a wind-up and trying not to think about the possibility of waking up without my kidneys.

I make myself comfortable on the chaise-longe (the flat was THAT posh) whilst mum mixes some drinks.

I still hadn't spoken a word since I left the club. I finally find my voice and asked the mother, "Do you do this mother-daughter thing often?"

"Oh yes, quite often, whenever y'know, 'the mood' takes me." says mum.

Just then the daughter comes back into the room wearing a very modest nightdress. "right mum, I'm off to bed. I'll wake grandma up and you three can get on with your fun".

I took a sip from my glass.

Mother-daughter threesome. .......... "I'll wake grandma"......... I was bounding down the fire escape before my glass had hit the floor.


None of the above may be true, in fact I can't remember if I've read the story on a B3ta question or some other site so I apologise if I am plagiarising (thought it was funny tho').

EDIT. if I have nicked someone's story - message me and I'll remove it. I am over 40 and therefore have crap memory and suffer from dementia)
(Wed 10th Dec 2008, 14:03, More)