» Helicopter Parents

jeee zus you cunts
My dad drank like a fish and slapped me around. My mom was hysteric-compulsive and, guess what the fuck, slapped me around. One day he pointed a loaded .38 at my face as I walked across the room to him, screaming at the top of my lungs, and slapped it out of his hand. (The television was on, loud.)

From age eight I heard, every single day until I ran away, "Everything you touch," trembling finger pointing at my face, "turns to shit."

Give me some of that helicopter love! No, wait, way too late.
(Mon 14th Sep 2009, 21:40, More)

» When Animals Attack

my shirt
One summer day I was surveying a field in Clearwater, Florida. It was very hot and I had to chop a line through some brush so I took my shirt off and left it lying on the tailgate of the truck. A liitle while later I heard the guys I was working with laughing and laughing, and I came out of the woods to find that a horse had ambled up and decided to eat my shirt. You understand, these jerks didn't try to dissuade the damned horse, they just stood around pointing and laughing. By the time I got to the horse only one sleeve was still sticking out of its mouth.

As I did not want to spend the rest of the day with no shirt, I grabbed hold of the sleeve and tugged and pulled on it, defaming the horse at the top of my lungs, until the entire shirt came back out of the upper end of the horse's alimentary tract, intact but all covered with horse slobber and little puncture marks and missing a button or two. Stupid horse.
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 23:41, More)

» Strict Parents

never could figure it out
My mother and father both used to slap me around at least a couple or three times every week, but I can't remember any particular thing that they ever punished me for. Whenever they felt like it was time to work off a little anger, they'd pull some insignificant thing I'd recently done out of thin air and make like it was an unspeakably awful crime that anyone with any sense at all should have known not to commit. Whap whap whappity whap. Then later on I'd be doing that same thing, one of them would walk in and I'd panic, thinking "oh boy here we go again" but this time they wouldn't care about it.

My father did that over and over, until one day it occurred to me, as he was slapping me across the face, that I was now a couple inches taller than him, so I hit him back. After that he never raised a hand against me, although later a couple times when he was real drunk he did point a .38 at me. He didn't have the nerve to pull the trigger though. However, since I couldn't hit my mother, she kept that crap up until I moved out.
(Thu 8th Mar 2007, 20:39, More)

» Insults

Florida redneck sayin'
I learned these from a good old boy at work.

"If I wanted shit outa you, boy, I'd crack your head open and dip it out."

and

"If your brain was cotton there wouldn't be enough for a tampon for a redbug."

Redbugs are real tiny. Y'all Europeans wouldn't know that, though, 'cause I hear y'all ain't got no bugs over there except lice.
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 22:12, More)

» Terrible Parenting

loaded .38
...on the other hand my Dad was so loaded at that moment he was seeing double so if he had pulled the trigger I still would have had a fifty-fifty chance of getting away undamaged.
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 23:19, More)