» The B3TA Confessional

i did a big job
I had a very posh gf once and was round her house to meet all her family

After eating with fork the right way and everything, I needed a massive Brad Pitt

After doing the business, the damn thing was still there after two flushes. the place was far too posh to have a bog brush, so I broke a big twig out of a wicker picnic basket thing that had the towels in (as you do)

I Zorro'd my job into salami pieces, wiped the twig and flushed

Only one problem, where to put the stick

Needless to say, I widdled it back into the basket and it may well be still there

Length? It was poking out the top
(Thu 26th Aug 2010, 15:52, More)

» Hypocrisy

good old Viz
reminds me of one of the greatest letters ever to the Viz

"I was walking along with my son in the park, when he fell over over and said 'oh bums'. 'Honestly' said a passing elderly gentleman 'bad language is the result of a limited vocabulary'

My son is four, what vocabulary does he have! Silly old cunt"
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 12:51, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

gentleman's evening
on a stag at a comedy club that also features strippers later on

compere: "gentleman, tonight you are in for a top night of c_nt and comedy"


heckler: "where's the comedy?"
(Fri 25th Nov 2011, 11:36, More)

» My sex misconceptions

makes sense
some kid at school convinced everyone that:-

a) gay men fucked each other up the arse
b) but a homosexual shoved his own cock up his arse

yeah, yeah, i actually knew that, yeah
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 21:59, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

posh bird's house
whilst going out with a very posh lass and having a meet-the-fucking-grandparents sunday lunch at her place...

i felt the call of nature. so i opted for the toilet upstairs (there was a choice, the house was big, piano and the lot)

after doing my business, i had managed to lay a cable so large, it poked out the top

two flushes, no joy and a desperation washed over me, there was no proletariat plaggy bog brush to mash up my monster mess

panicking, i toyed with the idea of mashing it in my hand...no, there must be something...anything to chop up the log of doom

then: a brainwave. i spied the posh towel container: a picnic basket. i snapped out a twig and Zorroed the turd into salami-esque slices. huzzah

after wiping the twig, i pondered how to get rid of it. no need, i just widdled it into the basket

then i went back to the meal, and no i didn't apologise for the length ;-)

sorry Anna!
(Sun 30th Mar 2008, 20:07, More)