» Strict Parents

Cycling To School
My folks decided to ban me from riding to school because I would get get dragged under a car and be brutally killed.

Occasionally I would wait until they both left for work and I'd take the bike from the shed and cycle happily off to school. Except for one day I was cycling along and the chain was making a strange clicking noise. I looked down to work out what was going on before thinking to myself "hang on, wasn't there a van up ahead?". I looked up to be presented with a white van only a few metres away, which I collided with with enough force to reshape my front wheel into an oval.

It was bad enough that I'd only managed to get 50 metres from my house but the worst part was that the van was parked... The shame.

I never cycled anywhere after that.
(Thu 8th Mar 2007, 14:45, More)

» Work Experience

Bean Counting
I went for a weeks work experience as a been counter for a trading company in central London. Not the sort of bean counting to do with accounting, no, I literally had to count beans for a whole week. They bought cocoa beans from around the world and I had to sort them by size and count how many of each size there were to see where the best place to buy the beans from was.

Over the week I counted about 40,000 cocoa beans.

Thank fuck I have a proper job now.
(Thu 10th May 2007, 11:14, More)

» We have to talk

2 years ago...
I was in my final year at uni and had been seeing an amazing lady in the year below me for a few months. I thought everything was fine and she invited me to a flat party at hers on the weekend. Everyone was having fun and well on the way to getting wasted, when she said she had to tell me something. She looked me in the eye and said "we can never be together.... because you claim to be invincible". I dunno if that means she had some elaborate plan to kill me or something, I never found out in the end. I'm in a different country now though.

At least she didn't complain about my length though.
(Sat 21st Apr 2007, 15:05, More)

» Picky Eaters

Tomatoes & Fish
I will never eat tomatoes. As a kid I had an irrational fear that the seeds will grow inside me and I'll become some sort of half man half tomato hybrid. Same with kiwi fruit.

Also I don't like eating a whole fish with it's beady little eyes looking at me while I have to cut it's skin off.
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 14:24, More)

» Insults

Foreign Swearing
I used to work with a Swedish guy before he returned to home to chase blondes and pillage Norway or whatever it is that the Swedish do. While he was here though we got him to teach us the Swedish equivalents of some of our favorite insults:

jävla kuk näsa == Fucking cock nose
fittansikte == Cunt face
Flänsost == Cumcheese (although he made it clear this was different to knob cheese)
fittslick == Cunt licker

He did also say that they were literal translations and so if you ever had the opportunity to use them on natives, then they probably wouldn't understand. Ah well it's the thought that counts though.
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 17:15, More)