b3ta.com user The_Greyhound
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As if I'm telling all about myself on this bit. I'm an enigma. Or is it an enema?

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Best answers to questions:

» We have to talk

Mincing my words
What I should have said:

We have to talk, I feel that we are not moving anywhere as a couple which is entirely my fault, I need time and space to sort my own life out before I can devote my life to you. We just met at the wrong time but there shall always be a corner of my heart which is forever yours.

what I wanted to say:

We need to talk. I'm fed up of your constant whinging and demands, you aint all that and I've lied whenever I said you are not fat. You are. And the only thing more hideous than your arse is your personality, chunkmeister.

What I ended up doing:

Being moody, uncommunicative and a general twunt until she said 'We need to talk'

Click I like this if you've done the same head in the sand trick
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 14:00, More)

» Kids

Keep an eye out for this one
A friends niece (about seven, but I try not to think of their ages) was arguing with her friend when she was called a dickhead. Her retort?

'shut up, if I had a dick on my head you'd be the first one to sit on it'.

(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 16:40, More)

» Pet Stories

The old adage about council flats proved incorrect
It was my sisters sixth birthday and she got a kitten from my parents. She was over the crescent moon. I was sent to bed for being a naughty boy so missed seeing the action but I did hear it. What I heard was the following

My sister:'Wheee! Whee!

The Kitten:'miAAAwww! miAAAwww!'

For a couple of minutes this continued. Then I heard my mother

'What the hell are you doing?!' SMACK!

Tears and crying from my sister as she runs into our room and dives underneath the bed covers.

turns out that in her eagerness to play with her new pet my beloved sister had got a coathanger, tucked the hook into the kittens collar and proceeded to SWING the petrified moggy around the room, 'Because I thought she would like it'.

Which just goes to show that in Hackney council flats -regardless of what the residents say- there is enough room to swing a cat.

It has been not so scientifically proven by my family.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 11:47, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

Well thank you very much
I have a friend, I say friend. I mean acquaintance I havent been able to shake off in four years or so. His whole world is PC's, he is a wizard with them and they are to all intents and purposes his life. So when mine buggered up a few months ago, he was the person I called.

I called him and he was made up, he loves fixing broken computers so I was quite pleased I'd made his day. I promised him a nice cooked meal and a few bevvys as payment when he came over, he asked to bring his girlfriend so I said yes.

While he was fixing my PC in my room, me and his girl started to talk. The talk got quite deep and she started telling me all about their lack of a sex life, how his libido wasnt much and how she was getting annoyed with him and even worse, how it was affecting their relationship. She was starting to get annoyed with him and was getting spiteful, full of bitchy, barbed comments for the lad.

'What could I do to help?' thought I. Then it hit me.

I played with her hair and started nuzzling her neck. Before you could say firewall we were at it like a similie which hasnt even been invented yet to convey our behaviour.

Gratitude anyone? Not a sausage. I let him fix my computer AND shagged his girl so he didnt have to, some people eh?
(Fri 25th May 2007, 13:57, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

The voice
You know when that little voice in your head pops up suggesting an awful deed you could do, just because you can? Like when you're next to someone at the bus stop and the voice says 'hit them. Hit them right in their silly little face.'

I was walking along with a friend when a toddler and his mother walked past us. The voice said 'Clench your fist and leave by your side, you'll hit the toddler right in his forehead and buckle. go on, it will be hilarious'

So I did it, and he bit concrete. That taught him. If nothing else it taught him that there will be shits like me in the world who will do summat for no real reason other than that they can.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 14:08, More)
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