b3ta.com user d3gu
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HappyToast zombied me! :D

Bit about me: I live in Newcastle & am a data nerd slash civil celebrant. I like tea, campervans, music, literature, standup comedy and generally drinking, talking and having a good time.


Check out my comedy page: CATCH COMEDY

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Best answers to questions:

» Best Graffiti Ever

In a bathroom in italy
'My Karma ran over your Dogma'

fucking fantastic

(first post, woo.. been a loiterer for far too long!)
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 21:23, More)

» Sexism

I was having this coversation with my dad the other day after watching shit Xmas 'funny' tv.

My opinion: Male comedians are funnier than female comedians. Granted, there are some funny lasses... but all I end up thinking is "Well, they're good... for a woman"."

Male comedians seem to be able to be funny about the world. Take Bill Hicks, Steven Wright and that lot. Brilliant and dry. Then the musicians: Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey. Then you have Dylan Moran. Ricky Gervais. Even that tv wanker Michal McIntyre. All face-achingly amusing!

I have noticed that female comedians make jokes about being a woman, or the life of a woman. Maybe putting men down for a laugh.

I know that women haven't always had it as easy as men, and perhaps still don't. It has only been in the past few generations that women have had the chance to receive similar education to men, and certainly 'male humour' is encouraged more. Things like wanking, bodily functions, toilet humour and stuff (think Russell Brand) are all 'male humour'. Perhaps women have been considered more a sidekick throughout comedy history; or perhaps men would have been given more opportunities. After all, a lot of 'women's stuff' would have been thought of as taboo until pretty recently, with audiences not wanting to know about that sort of thing.

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not saying there are NO good female comedians, I'm sure there a lot. MORE FEMALE FUNNIES, I SAY. The hands-down WORST stand up comedian I know is a guy. And some of the most genuinely amusing people I know are women.

Toodle pip.
(Sun 27th Dec 2009, 19:35, More)

» Vomit Pt2

First year in Newcastle... deary me.
What a treat. I'm from Hull, so the nights out I was used to were acceptable at the time, but once I'd gone to a city that wasn't a total shit-pit, I enjoyed many a quality night on the Toon!

Flash back 3 years to a night called Stone Love, in a club called Digital. Digital is one of those places that is either freezing cold or boiling hot, and getting drunk there varies on these conditions plus others (drinks beforehand, what you drink, eating before/after).

I'd gone to my friends' flat before we went out, where they'd been smoking weed in Luke's tiny tiny bedroom. I was sandwiched between them; I didn't smoke myself, but I was probably a little stoned by the end of it (+ alcohol, probably didn't help).

Halfway through the night, I start feeling a little queasy... so I go to the Ladies' and sit down in a cubicle on the floor, then start being horrendously sick. Blarrrgh.
Now, here's the bit that makes me shake my head at myself. I lay down on the floor of the cubicle to have a nap thinking it would make me feel better. Those toilets are absolutely disgusting by about 11pm and God knows what I was lying in. But anyway, I booked myself a taxi to pick me up in about half an hour. I couldn't have stayed. But I thought - right, nap time. So I set the alarm on my phone for about 25 mins time and resumed nap position on the floor.

... 25 minutes later, I stumble out of the club after being sick again. Get into the taxi. Taxi drivers don't like people being sick, so when I started feeling nauseous again, I thought "Oh no, I can't tell him"......... so I unzipped my jacket and was sick inside it. MMMMmmm.

Managed to get back to my flat with minimum jacket leakage. Put all my clothes in the sink and fell asleep standing up against a shelf. Woke up about 45 minutes later with a massive shelf-shaped welt across my forehead and the realisation that my leather jacket was submerged in water and also covered in vomit.

Is it any wonder that I don't drink anymore?
(Sun 10th Jan 2010, 14:18, More)

» Schadenfreude

My mum fell down a badger hole
She was stuck there for ages because everyone around her was pissing themselves with laughter. We eventually got her out - she was not impressed.

There are pictures, but sadly I don't know where they are.
(Sun 20th Dec 2009, 4:55, More)

» Pathological Liars

I seem to attract them...
Oh God where to start... now I'm a fairly trusting individual, and, especially when I was younger, tended to believe what people told me (within reason, obviously!)

Okay so there was the guy who told me he:
1. Spent 2 weeks when we were in 6th form in a tent in a field, coming to school every day.. from the tent?! (no he didn't)
2. Worked in the army (no he didn't, more on this later)
3. Worked in Macdonalds (god he even lied about that!)
4. Was pyschic and could find out where things were just by hypnotising himself
5. Was a witch and wrote spells
6. Went on a 'routine' trip to (location) with his 'squadron' and was given a dog tag on the way (meaning imminent death).. where there was a bomb. Whilst someone else disabled it, he took out the terrorist with th butt of his gun. Hence the bandage round his wrist.
7. Later told me he'd tried to kill himself, hence the (same) bandage round his wrist.
8. He's now a policeman. Well.. actually a community support officer. And he's engaged. To who- nobody knows. When someone tells you they're off to 'snuggle with their other half' on msn, you know they're lying, because who the hell says that?!

Other guy pretended to work in HMV. He didn't. We went in every day for a week to try to catch him. We even asked the guys working there where he was. His response? 'They don't know me as *abbreviation to name*, they know me as *full name*. Plus I work in the back.
NO HE DIDN'T. Why the hell would you pretend to work in HMV? At least he could have picked somewhere more exotic.

Humm.. what else.
Oh yeh, a girl who told us the following tale:
She was engaged to a 38 year old Muslim pharmacist, when the went to Madrid for the day to pick out hotels. She slept with the ex-geography teacher. Currently now she is engaged. Again. To a guy she cheats on with her flatmates. Apparently? This story was told to me by a girl who is/was in love with her and talks a load of carp, too.

OH YES and the crowning glory.
Another 'witch'.
A guy who woke up in the morning having given birth to Phoenix egg in the night. Basically, a stone in his PJ bottoms. He brought this into school and told everyone its name was Khan, and it lived with his guinea-pig. We humoured him, but in the end he said he killed it with the power of his mind. Oh, and he could change the colour of his eyes.

Actually, I'm not sure if he goes in the pathological liar section, or the complete fooking loon section!

Length? I think girth would be more of a problem if you don't have a birth canal and end up with a massive rock in your pants.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 20:13, More)
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