b3ta.com user Celebgil
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» Bizarre habits

When listing...
...food stuffs or drinks that someone might wish to enjoy: "Would you like a cup of tea? Coffee? Glass of Juice?..." and so on and so forth, that list always ends with one or more of 'Thick ear and a wooden leg?' 'Slap in the face with a wet kipper?' 'badger/weasel (interchangeable) on a stick?' The first two I got from my late grandad, he always did the same thing. The badgers/weasels are all my own problem.
(Sat 3rd Jul 2010, 12:02, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

On holiday when I was very small (it was Cornwall or somewhere I think) my parents took me to a children's farm. Tractor rides, a play area and of course, lots of fluffy animals. We went to the 'petting zoo' part of it, and the workers were bringing out all these cute things for the kids to stroke, baby chicks, lambs, guinea pigs etc... everything went round fine, until it came to the duckling.

Now, I had a toy duck at the time, which I carried around by its neck. Nobody told me (ages 2 or 3) that doing the same thing to a real duck was possibly a bad idea... so I of course picked it up by its neck.

The duck, understandably wasn't happy about this, and it took my parents and the panicking farm worker a good minute to persuade me to release my vice like grip on the poor creature...

In my defence: I was only little... poor duck..

(this all comes secondhand from my parents, they love this story.)
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 15:56, More)

» School Days

Damned strange school I went to...
It was a bog standard comprehensive with delusions of grandeur (currently I believe it is some kind of specialist maths/computing college, which is a laugh as the IT department are apalling!) However one thing they were above par in was odd pranks, japes and downright junior terrorism.

The head of music was a sweet lady, mad as a bag of ferrets, welsh and about four foot nothing. She was immensely trusting, poor soul. This unfortunately led to her being locked in the walk in keyboard cupboard every day for an entire term. Eventually she got canny and started taking a kid in with her as a kind of hostage. However she unerringly managed to pick the teacher's pet, whom of course, nobody else in the class gave a flying fuck about, so they locked her in anyway!

Poor woman eventually had a kind of nervous breakdown apparently.

There were of course, the usual last day of sixth form pranks. The large dead fish hurled into the Year 11 leavers assembly was one that stuck out. It smacked the Headmaster in the face! Two lads got expelled for that. One wonders why the teachers bothered, it being their last day and all...
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 14:10, More)

» My first experience of porn

Typos can lead to hillarious consequences...
As a young and naive girl of fourteen, I was hunting for the website of the Manchester Evening News arena, to look for information about some concert or other. Unfortunately, I neglected to remember that M.E.N also spells men. I typed up the resulting web address and hit enter, to be confronted by a gay porn site full of gentlemen in varying stages of undress. I was rather shocked at the time...
Didn't stop me going back to have another sneaky peep once I'd recovered and thought "hang on, they were rather nice..." later on though ;)
(Thu 25th Jan 2007, 15:43, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

My boyfriend,,,
... other than being wonderful (sorry, do feel free to vomit) is 32, I'm 22. I love the mega eyebrow raise (into hairline usually) you get when talking to people :

random: "so, did you two meet at uni"

Me: "Actually, no, I was 13 when he graduated!"
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 15:13, More)
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