b3ta.com user DanS
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» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

I told her she wasn't fat

I suffocated.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 11:38, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

I go to a place which is madder than Jock McMads mad haggis.
Here are some of the day to day norms.

Ignorant Elders,
and anybody who speaks out or dares to be different is an acceptable target for ridicule.

This place?

My fucking School.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 23:00, More)

» Crazy Relatives

My Dear Old Gran
Is fucking loopy. I love her with all my heart, but she lost it long ago... All of the following are true:

1. She recently went on a computing course for seniors (turning it on and off is about as advanced as it gets) She told me that she learned radar, and I believed her, untill she started to speak about Word Processing....

2. She regularly talks to herself, and farts loudly in the company of others. She'll have a go at you if you do the same.

3. The peis du resistance... Once upon a time, when I was a wee DanS, she took me on a walk to the local fruit farm, (where they sell local fuit juice, wine, fruits themselves, etc.)

We walked down the country lane, which had deep, thin ditches either side (for the area often floods) when all of a sudden she spotted a brifcase in the said ditch.

As she is old and frail, I was sent into the ditch to retrieve it, so we could have a further inspection.

I jumped in like asked, with stinging nettles brushing me and ankle deep in muddy water, and picked up the briefcase and put it in the road.

A foul stench hit my nose. I assumed it was the sheep feaces lining the ditch, and proceeded to open the breifcase.

Fortunatley, it didnt have a number code, so I pressed the two latches on the side, and lifted the lid...my eyes were presented with the wonderful sight of....

Vomit. Yes, somebody had thrown up in a briefcase and dumped it in the side of the road.

Rather than throwing it back, my Gran emptied the case, and took it home to wash it out, and kept it.

Bless her.
(Tue 10th Jul 2007, 23:17, More)

» Accidental innuendo

I was talking to my friends the other day
and the topic of conversation came up to the Jailbreak thats happening nearby my place soon.

For those who don't know, a jailbreak is (often) a charity fundraiser where teams of people are taken to a mystery location and have to get back to the original location without any money (so, by means of hitching lifts, etc). Another type of jailbreak is starting at one location and trying to get as far away as possible in 24 hours.

Anyway, my friends and I were discussing the latter. We were talking about what team I would be in, and seeing as i didnt want to go on my own, I had already talked it over with my sister, who had agreed to go with me.

We hadn't discussed a location we would attempt to get to, so i told my friends:

"I just want to see how far I can get with my sister"

Which of course, made me a lovely target of humiliation.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 15:32, More)

» Housemates from hell

I once shared a flat with the devil
That was hell...

Click 'I like this' if that was the worst joke you've ever heard made up on the spot...
(Thu 5th Apr 2007, 21:51, More)
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