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» Celebrities part II

Eight Legs (no, I'd never heard of them either)
A few weeks ago my band had been called to fill a support slot for Eight Legs, a two-a-penny indie group who have apparently soundtracked some stuck up bitches fashion show and who's song is on one of those 'you wouldn't start a night like this' ads, in fact, it's this one.


Typical indie pricks, really stuck up, wouldn't speak to anybody else, being cocks to the soundman (whom I know to be a very nice bloke) and just generally twats.

To top it off, at this venue it's 'the done thing' to share backline (basic drums (no cymbals or snare, that sort of thing) and bass amp), but they were having non of it, even though myself and the drummer for the other support act aren't the sort to lay into a kit Keith Moon style.

Anyway, the first band played, and they were really good (The 303's, from Hull, look them up), and then we went on. Finished our set, I lug the drums off the stage so their player can put his on and slip outside for a quick cig.

As I'm stood outside, my bassist runs up to me and informs me that they've got a load of beer in a mini-fridge in the little communal backstage area (which up until this point they'd taken for themselves). Apparently he'd gone in to take in his bass amp and one of EL had scorned at him, "band members only, mate", to which my bassist shows his wristband and says, "I'm in a band, you cunt."

Anyway, you can see where this is going. We went to investigate and they had eight bottles of Becks, and four cans of Guinness.

As they went on stage, belting out their latest identikit tracks, we snuck in and they were eight bottles of Becks, and four cans of Guinness lighter.

We had a good laugh informing the security guards about what we'd done. They took it in good humour and simply said, 'good on you, they did seem like cunts.'

Eight Legs, if you're reading, yes, it was us, the little precocious twats from the Selby/Goole area who took your beer.

And we enjoyed it.

Just to finish, please enjoy this picture of me drumming my little heart out, about half an hour before we were beer stealing.


The snare drum and the cymbals are mine, the rest of the kit belongs to the bloody nice soundman.

(I also had a dream last night where I called Gok Wan a twat, does that count?)
(Sat 10th Oct 2009, 23:30, More)

» Insults

One I gleamed from a McDonalds manager
"I'm going to invent a time machine, travel forward in time and rape your kids!"

Had me in stitches for about an hour!
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 7:00, More)

» Pathological Liars

Bloody women...
One I used to know in school would make up the most unbelievable stories about her sexual exploits. The one that I can remember most would have to be when she said she was pregnant. Apparently she'd had an abortion, the baby had died, or she had the kid and it's with her sister, depending on which day you asked her? She also claims to have seduced her sisters fiancé before crushes his balls so that he could never have children.

She's also fat.
(Fri 30th Nov 2007, 18:35, More)

» Pet Peeves

Interpretive Dance
I've been roped in to playing some drum parts in a performance of The Who's Tommy at college. It's a performance by both the drama students and the music students.

Rehearsals had been going really well for the music, and so today we rehearsed with the actors too.

I didn't know they were gonna tell the story by interpretive dance.

Not content with ripping out half the songs, so that the story makes no sense anyway, it's portrayed by a load of puffs and (actually quite fit) girls poncing around on stage as if they're having some sort of fit.

The singers are shit too.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 20:51, More)