b3ta.com user mzungu
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» Kids

A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kid a treat.
New fathers have it bad: no sleep, no nookie. But I was determined to get my wife back in the mood, getting pretty intimate with her one night, when our month-old started wailing.
"I'll deal with him," I offered manfully, going to his room and trying my usual trick, which was to pick him up and let him suck one of my fingers. It seemed to work better than usual, the little guy slurping with relish, and moving on from my index to ring finger with gusto. It was then that I realised that the flavour he so enjoyed may be related to the fact that I hadn't washed my hands...
And that is how my month-old son supped on his mother's pussy juice.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 7:36, More)

» Losing it

Totally losing it
Drove off to work this morning. Couldn't remember if I'd locked the Land Rover (my weekend car). Shit. Some little scrote will be in there trying to prise the crappy Land Rover own-brand stereo out of the plastic dash.
Thing was, I could definitely remember opening the Land Rover door that morning but not locking it after me.
I turned round, drove home, pulled up in front of my house, saw my other car (Honda Accord type thing) neatly parked there, realised I was IN the Land Rover.
The million decibel engine and clouds of noxious exhaust should have been a clue.
(Thu 21st Jul 2011, 13:25, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

Not me
because I have more sense than to sign up for the horror of facebook. But this happened to my nice colleague (MNC) and her dumb-fuck Belgian boyfriend (HDFBB).

MNC's facebook profile says she is "in a relationship" with HDFBB.

HDFBB emails her. "How dare you reveal this to the world? This is an invasion of my privacy. Blah Belgian blah."

MNC changes her profile. Facebook now reads: "MNC is no longer in a relationship with HDFBB."

Cue immediate email from HDFBB: "How dare you dump me on facebook, you bitch?"

They are no longer together. So perhaps facebook is good after all.
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 6:57, More)

» Conspicuous Consumption

Yes (cough)
John Keats.
(Thu 28th Jul 2011, 13:48, More)

» Corporate Idiocy

Robbed overseas... shafted by the UK.
Banks that won't let you cancel your cards because you're in shock and can't remember the name of your first pet tortoise.

Travel insurers with freephone 0800 emergency numbers that you CAN'T DIAL FROM ABROAD.

The UK Embassy consular division (open 10am-11am Tues-Thurs only) which requires applicants for emergency replacement passports to attend a pre-arranged interview INSIDE the building. Which you can only access by presenting VALID ID.

Airlines who bump your booking because you can't present the credit card it was booked with.

UK Border Agency staff who single you out for an invasive search because you've been flagged as suspicious for travelling without any baggage (uh yeah, IT WAS STOLEN).

Tesco who humiliate you with two hundred pounds of groceries on the checkout and then cut up your new bank card in front of your face BECAUSE THE COMPUTER SAYS IT WAS REQUESTED TO BE CANCELLED.

Boss who says: Nice holiday?
(Thu 23rd Feb 2012, 12:41, More)
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