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Crack House Ceilidh Band a.k.a. CHCB: International Woman of Misery

/board and /talk give me The Fear so I hang out in QOTW with all the other losers cool kids.
Edit: during The Great Fire of B3ta I learned that /boarders and /talkers are people too, just like us, and we can all live in beautiful harmony if only we all pull together.
*links arms and sings something shite*
That said, I still don't do Off Topic have found that Off Topic has its attractions is dull again.

I coordinated the first b3ta flashwank, as featured in the Great QOTW fail Archive.

I am also a member of the B3ta Flappy Coat Club.

Hobbies: spreading Norn Irishness; low-level cynicism; filming the sky; Wiltshire (excluding Swindon) South Glos; grooming, getting knocked up by, and then marrying young men from the Internet. Our child is proof that condoms are only 98% effective and that anything you write on QOTW can come back and bite you on the ass.

^ Teh Sexmonkey made this. He is special.

^They were dark days. Well, apart from the cheery glow of the flames.

^Thank you Madam Marlboro for this.

^ A belated birthday present from bilbobarneybobs who has his birthday the day before mine.

counter hit xanga

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Will you go out with me?

it started with a kiss
He was dressed as Harry Potter, if Harry Potter was 22 and cute. I had come as a goldfish. Harry Potter was the best friend of my then-squeeze, the Garden Gnome. As fancy dress events go we had pulled out some but not all of the stops.

Harry Potter and I were getting drunk near the bar. It was late. It was late and it was rather odd. His dad wandered past in a grass skirt and coconut shell bikini. I kept drinking because it seemed like the right thing to do.

"How about a kiss then?" asked Harry. I obliged with a peck on the cheek, leaving a trail of gold glitter across his face.

"No, a kiss like this," sez he, and grabbed Garden Gnome in an entertaining bloke-on-bloke tongue-heavy snog that probably shouldn't have aroused me quite as much as it did.

"I'll have some of that, " I thought, and slid myself between the pair of them, magic wand on one side, fishing rod on the other. In typical drunken fashion, no one seemed to notice, and in fact their parents waved goodbye when we said we were off home for more beer.

My goldfish tail was fastened with velcro, a tip I recommend for any impromptu sexual encounters. Harry Potter was out of that uniform pretty sharpish and Garden Gnome lost the cotton wool beard along with the last of his inhibitions.

It is slightly surreal to wake up between an overgrown boy wizard and a living lawn ornament, but it's even more surreal when the lawn ornament's mother taps politely on the bedroom door to offer toast. Not as surreal though, as hearing one hungover friend explain to another that it was purely by accident that he'd licked his best mate's balls.
(Sun 31st Aug 2008, 20:09, More)

» Nativity Plays

B3ta Nativity play, Act 1
Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthonic, is discussing the forthcoming nativity play.

Mr chthonic: (soothingly) Okay. Now, let's see... Pooflake, you've been very good this year. Consistent performance, just as expected. Right, you can be Joseph.

Pooflake: Woo!

SpankyHanky: But sir! Sir! That's not fair! I got loads of Best Ofs.

Mr chthonic: Sorry Spanky, but Joseph is a very responsible post. We need a reliable type like Pooflake in that role. You can be the Innkeeper.

(Pooflake belms beams.)

SpankyHanky: (huffily) I don't want to be the Innkeeper. I want to do Mary

Mr chthonic: What was that Spanky?

SpankyHanky: I said, who is going to be Mary?

CHCB: Oh, can I be Mary, sir, can I?

Mr chthonic: No, CHCB. Mary was a Virgin. The Bible is quite clear on that.

Enzyme: Actually, sir, that's a mistranslation-

Mr chthonic: (abruptly) yes, thank you Enzyme. At the risk of typecasting, you can be a Wise Man. BGB will play Mary.

(BGB pokes her tongue out at CHCB.)

Mr chthonic: The other two Wise Men are Sexmonkey and althegeordie. We need to keep them away from the goats so they can't be shepherds. Don't let them stand next to each other. Apeloverage is a shepherd. It's a non-speaking role so we should be safe from punnage. Rakky, chickenlady and rachelswipe are angels. I've got you down as the Archangel Gabriel, PJM, but if you utter a word about unmarried mothers on benefits, I'll have your life. Everyone else is a sheep or a donkey. CHCB, you can be the narrator.

CHCB: (bitterly) I'm always the narrator.

Mr chthonic: your Norn Irish accent puts the fear of god into the others. That seems fitting.
(Claps hands) Right! Rehersals start tomorrow. Spanky, stop pulling BGB's hair or I'll send you to the Headmaster. Remember what happened last time you went to see Mr Rob? Yes, well, not another word out of you.

(Act 2 is here)

(Fri 27th Mar 2009, 15:49, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Suffer the little children
"Why has Colleague X been given a parking space?"

"Because she has children. She has to do the school run."

"And that would be why she gets her teaching scheduled for post-10am and pre-4pm?"

"Yes, she has to arrange child care."

"And that would be why she's done no research for five years, and why we have to cover for her at the drop of a hat?"

"Er, yes."

LISTEN UP BREEDERS! So you gave the gift of a child to the world. Thanks a fucking bunch. It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you a better person, it does not give you some unique and lofty perspective on the world, and it certainly should not entitle you to a bloody car parking space. You made a lifestyle choice; deal with it. And if you ever, ever say to me "if you had kids you'd understand" then I'll unleash the paedophiles.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 16:31, More)

» Kids

The other night
I was on the phone to my friend. She had her first kid last summer. She put me on speaker phone so she could make the child's bottle while talking to me.

"The baby was up all night," she said, "She's teething. She nearly crawled today. She was sick over me last night. She's grown out of all her clothes."

She paused. "Are you listening to me?" she asked.

"Yeah, mostly," I muttered.

"It's because you don't have kids," she said.

"No, it's because it's fucking boring," I replied. And hung up.
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 15:19, More)

» Asking people out

B3ta: turning meaningless sex into true love since 2009.
I went to a b3ta bash in central London and got horrendously drunk on white wine. I was having difficulty finding my way out of the pub let alone to Paddington station and lo, I missed my train. Fortunately help came in the line delivered by fellow b3tan, Captain V. "You can come home with me and stay at my parents' house," he said, and I immediately knew I'd be safe as he lived with his mummy and daddy, and was from Off Topic and therefore gay.

After a lengthy journey back to his home he nobly made up the sofa bed for me, and then, like a true gentleman, wouldn't let me sleep alone. I woke up with a hangover, a massive grin, and a 155 mile walk of shame ahead of me in a broken pair of shoes. Turns out he wasn't gay and his innocent offer of sanctuary involved a family-sized box of condoms and a double duvet.

He lives with me now. We're getting married next year. Ta, b3ta.
(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 10:28, More)
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