» Conned

Millions
Once, after 40 pints I was a little bit tipsy, so I walked into the world bank and who should I see but George Bush himself. I told him he owed me $40,000 and he paid up on the spot.

I then gave the money to an African childrens home, as I didn't have time to spend it all with all the birds hanging off my cock.

That's the sort of person I am.

Yours forever

LEGLESS (VISIT MY SITE PLEASE)
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 13:12, More)

» Funerals II

Not mine, but a friend of my old boss
Late to a funeral he put his sat nav in his suit pocket and ran to the graveside a few minutes into the service.

Cue several mourners holding back sniggers as "You have reached your destination" interrupted the vicar.
(Fri 12th Apr 2013, 9:00, More)

» Nightclubs

Malia Red Bull
We were in one those horrid fuckwit bars in Malia, all neon lights, red furniture, sunburnt clientelle and godawful music. The sort of bar where the DJ talks over the music constantly and the playing of Wake Me Up by Wham warrants a cheer from the low expectation having crowd.

We were genuinely having a great time.

Then in walked every holiday resorts nightmare, around 10 spiky haired lads in matching T-Shirts. You know, the ones with Baz the Shagger that kind of thing. They ordered what must have been 30 glasses of Vodka and Red Bull, the Ratboy drink of choice and commandeered a table covering it with glasses. (close your eyes and picture this table of glasses. It's relevant).

One of the Blazing squad had taken exception to my friend Matt, who stood 6'4". Normally a mistake, but in their drunken state, they rightly had safety in numbers. Matt laughed along quietly before taking two of the aforementioned glasses to the toliet with him, emerging a couple of minutes later with two glasses of steaming Vodka and Red Bull which were placed on the table.

The similarity between Vodka & Red Bull and Piss is uncanny and has to be more than coincidence. We then made a swift exit, but the thought of one of them drinking this then spitting it out covering at least of his friends is enough to make me smile.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 15:34, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Drugs
In Southend high street around fifteen years ago, there was one of the governments anti drug posters taking up the wall beneath the train line with the slogan

"THE EFFECTS OF DRUGS CAN LAST FOREVER".

The additional line added by a local ruffian read,

"IF YA LUCKY"

Made me laugh anyway.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 16:33, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Window cleaning
My previous job was based in an office in Shoreditch on the fringes of the city. Out the office window we could see the London skyline, primarily the Gherkin and the Natwest tower.

This was pre congestion charge and the fog/smog hybrid would completely cover our view and block out the two buildings in question. Girl in my office was amazed that the buildings had 'disappeared' and was doubly amazed when we told her they used to lay the buildings down so they could clean the windows.

Went on for weeks till she twigged.

She also once asserted that Heinrich Himmler was the president of the United States
(Thu 3rd Mar 2011, 21:39, More)