b3ta.com user just pouring lizards
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really wants a Rhino in 50 Cent's house

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» Things to do before you die

Box of Revelations
One day, I want to walk into my boring office, tell my manager that I've just had a book published and won't need to hurt my soul any more working at this depressing hell-hole, then pull a note out of the 'Box of Revelations' at random. Each piece of paper will have the name of a particular member of the sprawling financial organisation I work for. It will also contain a home truth I will tell one of them on my final day as I leave. I will do this quietly, with a smile on my face, looking straight into their eyes.

It'll go something like this; (shakes hand of hated workmate) 'Well, I'll be off then ****. I'll really be glad I don't have to live in fear of your chronic incompetence and the cowardly way that your first thought, whenever something goes wrong, is to establish that it is definitely someone else's fault. This, of course, is why everyone hates you.'

I will then smile sweetly, nod, and walk away.
(Fri 15th Oct 2010, 15:53, More)

» Easiest Job Ever

Some call me The Watcher...
One summer during my degree, I worked in a plant that made those big plastic bottles of water for water-coolers. My job was to wash the used bottles half-heartedly then put them on a conveyor belt which whisked them on to a big machine marked 'bottle washer,' which actually washed them.

Then they put me in charge of a traffic survey, which was their way of proving to the council that they weren't increasing traffic volumes in the little rural village where this place was based. They were right- I spent a full fortnight reading a book on a grassy knoll in the sun, pausing once every two hours to put a tick on a notepad as a mini drove past. Brilliant.
(Fri 10th Sep 2010, 20:33, More)

» Lies that got out of control

A friend and I...
...once convinced a group of, ooh, about fifteen people or so that someone else, known to all of us, had an anal piercing.

The key piece of testimony in the case for our friend's unfortunately perforated status was 'it's true, he sets off metal detectors at airports.'

So far I think the lie has been swallowed hook, line, and sinker.

That's the trick, kids. Always provide a convincing piece of extraneous detail.
(Fri 13th Aug 2010, 18:37, More)