» Crazy Relatives

Loons
My 65 year old aunt is getting worse as she gets older. She recently went into a furniture shop far from her home town, accosted a sales girl, pointed towards a coffee table, and demanded of the girl "Can you tell me if that table would match my living room?" The girl nearly pissed herself laughing and had to run into the office. My aunt left, muttering about "rudeness".
(Sat 7th Jul 2007, 15:32, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Quorn - the instrument of death
Two years ago I had some friends over for dinner. They are vegetarian, so I did a curry with quorn pieces in it. It all went down very well, and there was nothing amiss until an hour later when I felt an awful pain in my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and first of all it was vomit. Then the shit waves began. I managed to get my arse onto the toilet and proceeded to fill it up with liquipoo. The smell that followed defies description. I spent so long sitting hunched on that toilet that I almost put my back out. The climax of the evening was when I collapsed without warning on the kitchen floor from dehydration. The cruel irony was that I was carrying a glass of water in my hand at the time with the intention of drinking it. I regained consciousness soaking wet and surrounded by broken glass. Amazingly, I wasn't cut. I later found out that I have an allergy to Quorn products (apparently it's very common) which makes me nearly shit myself into a coma. It's enough to make me want to eat a whole cow. Bastard Quorn!
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 19:17, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

I'm going to hell because...
... this week was the office Christmas bash. I got incredibly intoxicated and managed to throw up:

- On a toilet floor
- In a sink
- On a door
- In a pint glass
- On myself

And I'm one of the managers.

I'm going to hell because the proprietors and cleaners of that pub have consigned me thence.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 19:12, More)

» Cringe!

School cringe!

One day in secondary school I was walking back into class after lunch break with a friend. My friend asked me what class did I have next. I could have simply replied, "French" and leave it at that, but oh no, I had to go and elaborate. So, I went, "Yeah, French, with Mrs C*****", and just to hammer a point home about the teacher's height, or lack thereof, I made a gesture with my hands to signify something very small indeed, while sniggering and saying "Actual size!"

A glimpse out of the corner of my eye and there was Mrs C*****, walking behind me on her way to class. She had heard every word.

I spent that 40 minute period cringeing. I still cringe when I think about it, almost 14 years later.

I am five feet tall, by the way. I had about an inch, at most, on that teacher.

What a complete bell-end.
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 20:22, More)

» Pet Peeves

Complete strangers touching me,
I was in a local "trendy" late bar last night, and was rather drunk. When chucking out time came about the bouncers were trying to get people to move along. One of them, a really big fucker, put his hands on the small of my back to get my attention and to encourage me to leave. I was finishing my drink and spun around the instant he touched me and shot him the most vicious hate stare that I could muster given my state of inebriation.
I was going to shout at him "Don't you ever fucking touch me you knuckle-dragging 5 Euro an hour dickhead", but I was too amused by the fact that my expression alone made a man who was a full 18 inches taller than me take a few steps back, looking genuinely frightened.

This is great. I'm going to do it more often.
(Mon 5th May 2008, 17:13, More)