b3ta.com user fagilliD
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Scottish, stuck in Pattaya, Thailand, trying to get used to the surrounding fuckwittery! (Edit: Wild City)

Valinoid made me this.. (Ta Much)
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» Unexpected Nudity

Not in a way I expected.
I remember staying at a girlfriends parents house, no sharing rooms allowed. We had not yet reached the point of sharing bodily fluids, a little bit off upper torso groping had been the limit of my exploration up until that point.

I had to sleep in the living room. At about 2am the girlfriend walks in naked, I wake up and immediately think "Fuck Yeah, Action Time".

Alas this was not to be as she ignored me and walked behind the TV set and proceeds to take a shit (quite a substantial one as well I may add). It was strange to see the body I had been lusting after in this most undignified first exposure.

I watched her walk back out and head back upstairs to her room. Fuck me I thought better clean this up as being the only occupant of the room I would be blamed if anyone saw it.

Two minutes later her mum walks in while I am on the floor with paper towels. “I heard the stairs creaking. I see Patricia has been sleep walking again, let me clean that up” she said in a matter of fact manner.

(Fri 29th May 2009, 2:55, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Lay Lady Lay (Crush x two)
I was in my fourth year at High School and she was in the year above me. In my opinion she was perfection, that and the largest set of mammary glands in the whole school. Add unobtainable to the equation due to her attraction to "older boys". I felt thwarted for almost the whole year!

Roll on the last two week's of term, she was leaving, planning on University and I was doomed to an empty year of study for my highers without the presence of the cause of my almost constant hard on. I'd never felt so low in my life....

There was a campfire in the local glen planned for the Saturday night, the usual cider, smoke and guitars. Long haired hippy types, Neil Young style patched denims, checked shirts, kaftans, smock blouses, patchouli oil and incense...and her! On her own and unattached! The engorgement was almost instant!

Unable to play it cool and aware that everyone who knew me was privy to my "crush" I fucked off from the crowd, guitar in hand and decided to have a pipe of some very lovely lebanese on the periphery, hoping I would be ignored.

Ten minutes later, suitably spaced, I was pissing about with the guitar, playing the intro from "Stairway to Heaven" (oh, the the shame of it now)and I smelled her beside me. It was a peaches and cream, strawberry mix which I knew was her, and once again, the twitching trouser monster threatened to betray me.

"Can you play Lay Lady Lay?" was all she said. Not being a big Dylan fan I stuttered my inability and the next word's stopped me in my tracks!

"If you can learn it before the end of term I'll fuck you"!

Talk about motivation! Bugger me blind if I was not instantly straight, mouth gaping open and closed goldfish style and the rabbit eyes caught in the high beams. She casually walked away and the night sort of fizzled off from there on in.

Except, I had a purpose! Next morning, I headed straight of to my mates house and borrowed his brothers copy of "Nashville Skyline" and spent just about every waking moment for three days learning and perfecting a song that I did not really care for.

At lunchtime on the last day of term, I plucked up the courage to walk across the common room, eyes starting to follow me with much nudging and pointing at me from around the area. "I've learned it" was all I could stammer.

A smile was my reward! That was it! Fuck me, I'd blown it, and was now the subject of much ridicule from my peers.

The afternoon thereafter was a depressing slow moving torture which could not end quick enough. the bell went and I was off the blocks like an Olympic sprinter, but not quick enough to avoid her....

I really had no idea what happened next, all I remember is walking out of the school, dimly aware of a clutched note that was passed to me. Once free from the younger oiks and sure that none of my friends was about I opened the note.

"I'll come round to yours about 7:30 tonight"

Bloody hell! Get in there! Then the logistics sank in. Although my mother was not at home, my sister and three brothers almost certainly would be. Sis was not so bad, she declared that she was on her way out stay at a mates house. That left the boys! Three quid and a mission for the purchase of Fish and Chips sorted that one out!

The appointed hour arrived, I as usual acted like a spastic mong until showtime. Somehow, I managed it, played the song, remembered the words and finished with a flourish I never knew I was capable off.

Then it started. I'm not SpankyHanky so there's no need to embellish the tale with "facts" but it was awesome!

Afterwards, she admitted that even if I could not play the song we would have ended up sharing that evening. It was then I discovered that the "crush" had been mutual, my acting shy to avoid her finding out and her acting "grown up" to avoid me finding out.

We were devastated to discover we had wasted a year, somehow things were exponentially blown out of proportion and making up for the lost time was the most important thing on our minds for months after.

Sadly, as with all good things, after two and a bit years we drifted apart, she transferred from Glasgow University to St Andrews and I ended up working offshore. We remained friends, but, to this day, I have never forgotten the power involved in the teenage crush.

Probably the biggest single emotion that you will experience until adulthood swings at you!
(Sat 7th Nov 2009, 3:46, More)

» Hotel Splendido

Marib Hotel, Marib, Yemen, 1992
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

From nowhere you appeared and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me nearly crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone - I searched for you but to no avail; only the wildly disordered sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you. . . . .

With a can of Fly Spray - Fucking Mosquito!!!
(Fri 18th Jan 2008, 0:21, More)

» Breasts

I am not a regular poster on QOTW, but, when the subject matter is one off fascination for ½ the planet (I have not taken account of gay ambivalence in this figure) I though I’d better investigate and deal with it.

In order to first understand the male predilection with “mammalian protuberances” I decided to research what was considered the Determinants on Female Attractiveness and found quite an unusual comparison between the number off factors between males and females.

These were listed as below:
1 Determinants of male physical attractiveness
1.1 Build
1.2 Height
1.3 Variability in preferences

2 Determinants of female physical attractiveness
2.1 Signals of youth
2.2 Breast size
2.3 Proportion of body mass to body structure
2.4 Waist-hip ratio
2.5 Height
2.6 Prototypicality as beauty
2.7 Skin tone

I always knew that women were far more complex than males, but I had never seen the definitive list of physical measurements before. Interestingly, to get back on topic “breasts” were the second most important factor.

To further research, I took it upon myself to check out Desmond Morris, the author of “The Naked Ape” for a bit off “history” on the subject. Desmond obviously has run a check on the whole affair and came up with this.

"Other anatomical features also evolved to entice mates, they all appear on the front of the body--as if to encourage frontal copulation. Fleshy earlobes, protruding noses, red lips (which Morris says were designed to mimic the genitals), and swelling breasts evolved as sexual signals to invite copulation from the front."

"These have no physiological use whatsoever and biologists agree that their original function was sexual invitation. These sensitive, fleshy, delicate areas expand by one-third during intercourse. The nipples harden at the slightest touch, and for most women fondling of their breasts stimulates their desire for intercourse."

Perhaps the breasts mimic the fleshy, rounded buttocks that attracted males during rear-entry intercourse. Whatever the case, protohominid males liked them in yesteryear. Those with larger breasts had more young than those less endowed.

So, our reason for this fascination came from our hairy arsed ancestors who based a woman’s shaggability and thus the survival off the species by the size of her breast’s …Coool!

However, thanks to evolution and science, this need not necessarily be the case anymore and, to be honest, I am surprised that South east Asia became the most populous area in the world as the Asian boobage factor is not necessarily the highest in the world.

The Asian physique, generally petite does not happily accommodate significant “breastal regions” and off late, there has been in increase in the “Augmentation Industry” targeted at the South East Asian market in both the surgical and enhancement product area’s.

My particular favourite is the Yokoyama Corporation’s F-Cup Pudding snacks.

These products, widely sold in Japan have e magic ingredient called pueraria mirifica, a plant containing phytoestrogens that is being marketed as a natural breast enhancer. The mango-flavoured pudding snacks also contain soy protein and red clover, other products with phytoestrogens that, it should be noted, are used for treating menopause.

Moving along, here in Indonesia the whole subject is a bit risqué, especially with the possible implementation of the new “Pornography Bill” which has been much discussed in other parts of the blogosphere,

This bill will however probably not stop Djarum, one of the countries largest tobacco giants working on the principle that “Tits Sell”

Djarum had discovered that there was a potential market in Hungary for their clove flavoured cigarettes and embarked on a marketing campaign to break into the product within the country. Problem was, how to market the trade mark smell of Indonesia within Eastern Europe using traditional Indonesian values and advertising skills.

In Indonesian campaigns, the Djarum marketing executives have traditionally used hostesses who display a wholesome image, slightly taller than the norm, more décolletage than the lady next door and, if possible, fairer of face.

The Kretek, or clove flavoured cigarette is almost an Indonesian Trademark and Djarum sought to export this unique cancer stick. For Hungary, it was clear that the "girl next door approach would not work so, screw the traditional values, bare breasts and body paint were the order of the day. Want to make your average Boris start smoking kretek, easy, get him fair and square between the sights of two larger than normal breasts and he will succumb. And those wacky Hungarians went for it...Big Time.

So, there it is. Tits sell!

I must however admit that my personal preference is for the more delicate design in this department and, I will prove this by posting a picture of (in my opinion) the nicest pair of tits I have ever seen.

Great Tits
(Sat 8th May 2010, 6:38, More)

» Being told off as an adult

As a bellringer
I used to tie the rope around my knob!

Got tolled off regularly!

Sorry for the lack of length
(Sat 22nd Sep 2007, 4:11, More)
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