» God

On my way to work
I got called into work on an emergency. It was looking like it was going to be a bad day since on the way in I knocked over a cyclist in my car.

I couldn't stop to help because more lives were in danger and I could see he was fine as he shook his fists at me in my rear view mirror.

I quickly parked my car and rushed in, suddenly mobbed by all these religious types, giving me little leaflets, flowers and various blessing.

I couldn't get through! These people we're stopping me from getting to the tower and putting more people in danger. I just lost it..

In a sudden burst of fury I had punched one guy in the chest, kicked another to the ground flip kicked another before despatching the rest and giving a quick karate chop to the last guy.

I knew I shouldn't have worn two sets of sunglasses to the airport.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 16:28, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Its all in the tongue!!
After I split with my ex I entered the 'rebellious phase' where I would do all the things I wanted to do in a vain attempt to cheer myself up and simultaneously piss off my ex by doing all the things she wouldn't let me do while together.

One of the first things I did was get my tongue pierced - she hated most piercings and though they were for freaks, but I always wanted one and used every opportunity to show it off (especially around her!)

The other thing I did alot was go clubbing. Now I didn’t actually like the clubbing that much – most of my friends only went because of the influx of illicit substances that frequent those places and their ability to enable the imbiber to dance for 8 hours without feeling tired.

I on the other hand had a knackered kidney, and didn’t really want to risk taking ‘performance enhancers’ at the risk of my kidney exploding – but what I really wanted was something to take my mind of things and my friends.

A few months into freedom we decided to go to the University club (which is now a car park) – it was a ‘school night’ event and you got free entry while in school uniform. As you can imagine most of the guys are trying to look butch while the women have made every attempt to look as slutty as possible (which isn’t hard in a school uniform!).

In my infinite wisdom I had come across the idea of infusing my new found piercing with clubbing – I simply added a UV ball to my tongue stud and I had an instant UV glow tongue that was sure to make me look cool!

In the events leading up the entering the club we all decided to get extremely pissed – mainly as a way of avoiding paying the stupid prices in the club itself. So as we stumbled inside the music started and we all ‘got down’ as the kids might say – as soon as my dancing fury was unleashed so was the tongue, waving it around in its illuminated glory!

For one person in particular this seemed to be more enticing than others - she came up to me dancing, as we got closer and closer we ending up making out on the dance floor; both drunk as high school kids.

“I love your tongue” she says to me, “I really like piercings – I got my pussy pierced recently, want to check it!?” said the school girl– without an answer my hand was thrust under her tiny skirt and into her lady parts to find the aforementioned piercing.

“Very nice” I say, trying to stay cool over the first bit of action I had received in many months.

As you can guess things went up from there – we got back to her place and did the horizontal tango. The next few days were an utter gift to me and my rebellious phase, still trying to piss off my ex.

I still worked with her and made every attempt to tell everyone (usually within earshot of the ex) about my newly found pierced partner, “Yeah it’s very cool, Ive got my tongue pierced and she had her pussy pierced – it tings when I go down her! It’s great!”

That was about 6 & ½ years ago now. We’re thinking of getting married. Needless to say that’s not the version i’ll be telling my kids.
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 9:38, More)

» IT Support

Back at school...
When I was a slightly younger IT geek and computers were geek toys we would have computer lessons and I would generally have more knowledge of the computers than the teachers would.

One of these lessons the teacher decided to have a quick fag break and leave me with my dimwitted and IT stunted class mates.

One kid asked for help with the immortal line:

"Help my computer has gone into space!!"
(Thu 24th Sep 2009, 14:48, More)

» Hypocrisy

Another religion one..
I'm sure by the end of this one there will be loads of rants about religion etc, so I might as well throw mine in.

When I used to work in a factory with a brother and sister, both 'Indian' and Muslim.

They were both pretty cool people to be around, modern and kept their beliefs to themselves.

I remember the brother speaking to me once about a part of his religion is not to 'poison' his body with chemicals such as beer and fags etc - which he then preceded with cracking open a pack of twenty and share with me tales of his recent conquests on a night out (where he claimed to have got completely wasted etc etc).

It was always quite funny with them both around since they both smoked but didn't want the other to know - so you would be sitting with one and they say "Look out for my sis", quickly stub out the fag and get back to work.

The sister would then say "I’m glad he’s gone, now I can have a fag".
(Fri 20th Feb 2009, 14:50, More)

» Pubs

Another one
An orc walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, the bartender says "Where did you get that?".

The parrot says "Durotar! They've got them all over the place!"

/geek
/coat
(Mon 9th Feb 2009, 11:11, More)