b3ta.com user bluetuba
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has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff

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» Family Holidays

Worst Holiday Ever !
Years ago when I was unhappily married to my mad american ex wife she came up with the brilliant idea of a big family holiday.

Great thought I, now my family can meet her family and they can be even more disappointed with my choice of life partner. Then she broke the even better news to me.
The family she meant was me, her, her ex husband and his new wife, the 2 children they had together, one of his friends with his mad on/off girlfriend and none of my family.

We started off from London and went to look at Stonehenge. It's just a bunch of large bricks that's all, I think the ancient brits stuck it up to annoy future generations and fair play to them. I got bored in about 10 minutes.

Next stop was Liverpool as she is a huge beatles fan, I was born in merseyside and wasn't.

So far so good.

We next went to some castle I can't remember which one but it is apparently very famous. We wandered round it and I was yet again bored shitless. This day was only livened up by her ex husband being attacked by a peacock. I told him to flap his arms at it to scare it away.
He looked an idiot but disappointingly it worked.

We then finished up in Edinburgh. I loved the place. At last somewhere I could get a decent drink and somewhere I could have some real fun.

I need to point out that all through the week ex wife had decided that she had to prove to ex husband that she was well over him and that meant she had to try and dominate me as much as possible and ex husband had decided that it was my fault their marriage had broken up (it was, but as he was unable to keep his dick in his pants with other women I wasn't going to admit it, plus ex wife said I was a better shag) so he would take every opportunity to needle me.

As they were all staying in our small, pokey, overpriced flat in Hampstead while they were in London instead of forking out for a hotel ex husband decreed that we wouldn't need to pay for anything and I decided I would take advantage of this.

We ended up in a TGIF in Edinburgh and him and his mate ordered some drink that cost a fortune (£40 if I remember correctly) consisting of lots of spirits and I think chocolate milk.

I had two. This was after I had consumed some £40 quid of crap burgers and pizza. I felt pretty good and the look on his face reminded me of a bulldog shitting a cactus.

After this I would take every advantage of saying things like 'And one for yourself'to the bar staff, when their backs were turned, in an appalling american accent at every pub we went in and I also got away with 'Wanker' in the same appalling accent when we walked past this huge bloke. It was fun watching him talk his way out of that.

When we eventually got back to London we found out my cat had shit in the bag he had left his spare clothes in.

Do I really need to make a knob joke ? Oh and first post (ftw or something)
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 18:12, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

I used to work for a large group of shops in London as an IT manager.

Most of my day was either spent playing counter strike or playing Planetarion. Whenever I was called to do something I would create a server related crisis (usually by switching one off) that used to take all day to fix so I wouldn't have to move myself.

I also managed to pay my rent by upgrading the computer hardware and flogging off the computers I had 'upgraded' and making a pretty large profit to boot.

The boss's PA was a lovely lady and we used to hold 'briefings' whenever she could get away. As there was a hotel 2 minutes walk away from my office, we used to hold them there on account.

I havent a clue how I got away with it
(Sun 12th Aug 2007, 1:55, More)

» Celebrities part II

Another Bond, James Bond story
This story my ex wife told me back in the days when we were both happily in love and before she turned into a deranged harpy.

Ex wife worked (and probably still does, I have no idea) in a book shop in london frequented by lots of famous people.

Most of them are nice and normal and don't make wankers of themselves.

A certain crap ex James Bond however seemed to enjoy being noticed.

He wandered about the whole of the shop making sure everyone noticed him, and just in case they didn't he had the habit of shouting 'Hello, Pierce here' when his phone rang.

Ex wifey wasn't that impressed but let him carry on drawing attention to himself.

Eventually his partner had decided on the books they wanted and they wandered over to her counter, Pierce is busy grinning and winking in the hope someone will approach him and tell him he was a better Bond than Timothy Dalton. Ex wife didn't bite.

He got out his platinum forged credit card with a flourish and beamed an almighty grin at ex wife who without batting an eyelid, asked him if he had any other identification.

I am still secretly proud of her for doing that.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 20:23, More)

» Kids

When my brother's daughter was about 2 she had this habit of copying what people did. I decided during a family sunday lunch that I could have fun with this.

I started by waving at her, she waved back.
'Awww' thought everyone, uncle bluetuba is being nice.

I then made a paddling motion with my hands, my neice did the same. This had everyone wondering what I was plotting.

It wasn't till I rubbed my hands all over my face and hair that someone realised that I hadn't just paddled my hands in my dinner and I wasn't wearing said dinner.

I think I have now forgiven her for being born 2 days before my 21st and ruining any chances of presents.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 7:07, More)

» Advice from Old People

Much missed mother
told me when I first started painting the town red,

'If you are not in bed by 3:00am, come home son'
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 0:49, More)
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