» Sleepwalking

Good thing I didn't follow thru...
I don't sleep walk or sleep pee (you silly incontinent drunken fools!)
I do odd things in my sleep, I am dreaming I am doing something, then kind of 1/2 wake up and still half asleep I am aware I am doing it for real.

1. Dreaming I am a box made of steel girders, I trying to contort myself into a rigid steel frame.. then being vaguely aware I am trying to do this for real. I am on all fours on top of my bed trying to do this. I think my mother tried to get me back into bed, very hard when your thinking your a rigid frame made of steel girders...

2. Dreaming I am reaching over to get something off a shelf.. Finding I have just reached over and grabbed Mrs Middenface's face...
(she speaks gibberish in her sleep. 'we don;t need any metal ones' and 'Hmm rotting pustules'

3. Curled up with the beloved, with my bottum in her lap, then giving out two identical huge symphonic ripping farts, feeling oh so proud, but convinced I am dreaming, then being told the next day I did it for real...

4. Launching the cat from my face while asleep from a top bunk. I thought it was dream, but that cat gave me the evils next day...

5. Vommiting on my brother's ear on the bunk below, I don't think I was asleep but Funny and a good shot...

Length? Deal with it mofo, at leasts there is no urine.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 9:34, More)

» Too much information

Gas Mark 666
When I used to live at home with my twin, he was in the loo doing a poo once. I was outside not far from the open loo window. Faint wafts of feculance enamated from within..
So I shouts very loudly
'Oh my god, it smells like one of Hitler's gas ovens in there!'

Hot summer day with plenty of neighbours in ear shot..
Cue mother clouting me and dragging me inside.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 13:10, More)

» Too much information

Nuns..
'AFTER 10 YEARS OF DIAHORREA.MY ARSE IS TIGHTER THAN A NUN'S CHUFF'

My colleague says very loudly in the canteen..
(Sat 8th Sep 2007, 19:36, More)

» Personal Ads

Kids
Lines from lonely hearts columns
'Good with children' or 'Likes kids'

Nuff said.
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 10:09, More)

» Council Cunts

Tourism Chief or Prince of Darkness?
Another Southport related thing.
Its a sea side town so image is everything ok.
So why did they employ the bastard child of Nosferatu and Uncle Fester as the (former) Tourism Chief?

I worked in the towns entertainment hall and often saw him rat arsed and mine sweeping drinks.

He could scare children at 5 paces..
Bless him, he supposedly booked Motorhead to play at the FLoral Hall (council run venue)
thinking they where a Reggae band... how wrong he was, good for me though! We wrecked the front chairs to make a mosh pit!
(Wed 1st Aug 2007, 17:57, More)