b3ta.com user The Hooded Bean is in my pants
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Profile for The Hooded Bean is in my pants:
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Sticky's Syndrome
Cause:Egyptian curse
Symptoms:vague metallic skin, vague fear, occasional pimples
Cure:take two vitamin C tablets before going to bed
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:


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Best answers to questions:

» Accidental animal cruelty

Stupid dog
I have a really stupid Greyhound called Mikey.
All Greyhounds are stupid you say! they chase a stuffed rabit! no this one is really stupid. he's been rescued by the RSPCA twice, he can't run more than 30 yards, and because he got hit by a car he can't even cock his leg, so when he goes for a leak he pisses all over his front legs. Eurgh
one time we were on holiday. I was walking towards the caravan and saw dog laying on grass outside. 20 yards away I call "Mikey, here boy", at which he gets up and runs full pelt towars me. It is at this point I notice the rope tied round his neck attached to the caravan. It's ten yards long. the rope goes taut, Mikey does a back flip, lands upside down on his back, then gets up, thinking I've just done something to him he tries to run the other way. He gets 10 yards...
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:14, More)

» Karma

A guy I used to work with...
Was going out with a nurse. SHe decided to throw a sickie and take the day off work to go shopping, so she caught the train to knightsbridge and had just walked past Harrods when the IRA set off a rather large Bomb. Being the kindly soul she is she set to tending the injured. got her face all over the news and a bollocking from her boss
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 17:01, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Beware of things that go bump in the night
Long ago a friend was sleeping at his girlfriends bedsit when he felt something run across his face. He grabbed it and threw it, hearing a reassuring crack as it's skull fractured against the wall. his GF wasn't so impressed when she discovered the remains of her escaped Hamster the next day.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:45, More)

» Sleepwalking

Sleepwalking headbanger
Some years ago, when I was about 18, I used to go to Reading Rock as it was then known. I always went with a huge guy called John Mortimer (I hope you're reading this). Six foot something tall and just as wide.
The first time we went he waited till we had pitched our little 2 man tent in the pouring rain before he told me that he sleep walks. OK, not a problem I think, "How bad?" "Well I once woke up, having run the bath and got in in my pyjamas, and once I woke up when I broke my ankle falling off the kerb outside my house"
so we watch some bands, it gets to about midnight and we're staving, so we find an all night donut stand, the only thing open at Reading rock after 12 and there are about a thousand people with the muchies... To cut a long story short we get to bed about 2AM.
About 3AM John sits bolt upright in the almost dark tent (it really was a small tent) "What's up" I calmly enquire, thinking we are about to be attacked by a mob of hairy bikers. John turns round, looks at me, screams and lunges for my throat. I have no option but to chin the guy, he collapses, and starts to snore.
A very long sleepless night ensues, every time he breathed I thought he was about to strangle me. To cap it all the hirsute one didn't even remember doing it the next day.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 9:37, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Not me honest
Brian, a Friend from Sixth form, had a reputation for being a bit "wacky", visited east berlin, holiday in bolivia etc. His best mate gets a job for some telecoms company in Gib so Brian goes off to visit him.
Apparently beer is not cheap there, so Brian and friend spot a squaddy in a bar and proceed to question the guy about whether it is possible to get on to the base so they can get cheap beer in the NAAFI. However, they fail to mention the reason why they want to get into the base, just ask "are there any un-guarded gates? are there any holes on the wire?" etc.
Squaddy makes his excuses and leaves.
A few minutes later a van load of red caps pull up outside and storm in, grab Brian and his mate and haul them off to the local base. Questioning goes along the lines "why do you want to get into the base? who are you? why have you been to Bolivia? why did you go to East Berlin?" etc. made slightly worse by the fact that the next day is the first changing of the guard at the base since the SAS shot dead a couple of irish people for trying to bomb the last changing of the guard.
Eventually they let him go.
(Tue 19th Feb 2008, 14:41, More)
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