» Guilty Secrets

Secrets Hey
Well mulling this over there is around 10 things i have done that i would cover up from the rest of the world and compared to some of these i'm like a fucking nun. Most of them are very small and didn't effect anyone but i still wouldn't relay them to most people. Strangely enough the one that im most ashamed of i won't be telling you, even though a lot more people know about it than most of them. I was going to give you an exclusive but unfortunately i go by this alias on many a site so people could identify me as the culprit, i might share it later under a different name.

Anyway a fucking anecdote. This isn't one of those secrets but could very well of been and fits in well here.... However having told one person, i found it cathartic and will now tell anyone after a few pints. It's not particularly guilty although it is in the sense that i feel guilty for myself having to live with the shame.

On my 18th Birthday after enough beer, i decided to purchase some rubber johnnies to entertain my non-existant lady friends with. I have no idea why, I still am a fucking virgin now at 20 with self esteem issues and OCD related hypochondria. Of course like all teenagers i decided to carry one about in my wallet at all times, you know "just in case", it was a fucking pain in the ars, i used to keep it in one of my card pockets and it was forever falling out when i was trying to pay for things, show id etc. Anyway after a few months i gave up hope and decided it wasn't going to be used any time soon. Plus it was early in the morning, i had work the next day and didn't want to get my hands messy on the trip to smutville i was planning. So i decided to have an aptly named posh wank. I broke out the prophylactic with glee, finally it was going to see daylight, however on tearing open the seal, i was met with a substance stickier than a wham bar. I may as well have just released and jizzed all over my fucking hands. I immediatly informed my best friend that it must have some how dissolved after having not been used for so long. That would of been embarrassing enough but the ordeal was not over, a few weeks later i decided to examine the connies twin still in it's packageing and immediatly clocked on to what had happened. As i routed inside i found not one but two fully formed johnnies in all there glory and in bigger wrappers than the one i had been carrying about with me. All those months i hadn't been prepared to take my chance and seize the day because i had in fact been carrying around the satchet of fucking lube! Yep and it gets worse, after kicking myself for being such a naive sexually clueless prick, i decided to go ahead and do the dirty in my newly discovered spunk stoppers, but no matter how hard i tried and thought back to those models and instructions in year 10 sex ed i could not put the buggers on!!!!!!! This tale is 100% true. I tell this to anyone feeling down about themselves, at least you haven't sunk to stall's depths.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 0:31, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Fishyfishy
Well arn't you the pompous twat? Speaking as someone who actually has one of these "made up" mental disorders and has suffered private hell because of it, i'd have to say you don't know what the fuck your on about and you should take your own fucking advice. True it's a bougie problem but it's very much real and i added the disclaimer so as not to patronise my relatives and as for the people who think of themselves as crazy but don't suffer from nout, so the fuck what? Self awareness is a valuable tool and it's something you look like you fucking lack. To summarise your a fucking twunt who doesn't know what the fuck their talking about and should really save your misanthropic bent for more deserving cunts like yourself.
(Mon 9th Jul 2007, 3:04, More)

» Too much information

Another one on my cousin Ben
When it comes to this topic he is the king. It was his 18th on Saturday and i decided id travel down for the festivities, he was trying to get laid that day but unfortuneately the girl he had his eye on decided she wouldn't like any of his love so his friends were desperately trying to get him someone else. When he got the phone call through that they had in fact got someone stupid enough to go near him he ran over to where i, his MUM AND STEPDAD were sitting outside a westcliff pub and shouted "yeaaaaaah! i'm gonna get laid!, i'm gonna pull her hair!" complete with thrusting motions.
(Wed 12th Sep 2007, 16:36, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Thank fuck
The rents are grandmasters of raising children compared to some of yours, true my dad and i often have personality clashes, the worst of which have led to near violence and truley vulgar arguements and i could tell you about the time i feel he may have heightened one of my bougie problems but at the end of the day its all extremely tame in comparison to a lot of people, i defiantly got quite a hefty straw as far as that's concerned. However

I recently found out that when i was a small child not concious of my surroundings my dad nearly killed me. Apparently i was bathing and he was carrying an appliance ( i can't remember what) that was plugged in at the mains and on, the dozy twat then slipped the object flying out his hands still plugged in and banging on top of the edge of our tub. Fortuneately for me and him when it bounced it dropped to the side minus water and little baby. Apparently he was in tears after, so at least he cares.
(Mon 20th Aug 2007, 23:51, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Penis Enlargement
After being a relatively good little boy in my first fifteen years of life apart from my love of Hip Hop music with a lot of swear words in and the occasional found out trip to smutville on the interweb i decided to rebel at the age of 15. Me and 2 others collectively known as the "goon patrol" at school decided we wouldn't go on our year 11 leavers do and instead we would drink and smoke cigars (this was the first time drinking and smoking for two of us, ironically the guy who had already done this now is the most clean cut of us and doesn't speak to us two remainders). Although we didn't get pissed as the only drinks on offer were shitty Out of date alcopops boy did we enjoy our cigars, which unfortuneately for us we thought you must inhale (they were Hamlets so we weren't too cool). After our GCSES the fun continued, i found out the joys of dope from my worcestershire mate and we gradually learned about these nice things called "cigarettes" which were far less "harsh" than there tobacco brothers. At that time i used to keep all my "softies hard stuff" as a well known unlicensed hardcore pornographic shop from round my way would put it in the same place, in a navy blue umbro bag. The bag was one day found by the rents. After glossing over the cigarettes ( i was allowed to keep them as i was now 16 and it was my choice despite having professed to be anti smoking all my life up to that point) the alcohol (half a bottle of vodka which was put in my rents spirit cupboard and i drunk it later (filling the bottle up with water) anyway causing my mother to fume at me when i admitted this 2 years later to her) and the dope ("you know this is illegal im going to have to throw it away" my pipe was later given back so i could use it smoking that shitty herbal mix you get at the market) but what my dad chose to hammer on about for 20 minutes was the guide to penis enlargement i had printed off the web a few weeks ago, apparently it didn't matter what size it was and that if im with a girl who thinks any different she's the one who's wrong. Four years later and i'm a nicotine addict who can't survive without my fags which have rendered me unfit and unable to play any of the sports i enjoyed before that fateful night but my penis still remains untampered with (in the enlargement sense). I guess they got through to me....
(Mon 23rd Jul 2007, 0:19, More)