b3ta.com user Haggisbreeder
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Flying back toward you.

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» Sleepwalking

Sleepwalking - Ooohhh.. What does it mean?
When I was 12 I arrived in my parents bedroom at mid-night to, excitedly, tell them that I'd just had sex with a young woman called Rachel in the back of a Volkswagen Beetle and that I had, in fact, 'pumped the fucking arse off her until she was red-raw'. I hadn't really (I wish), at that time I knew no-one of that name, had no interest in cars and certainly wasn't that rude.

On one morning when I was 13 my mum found me sleeping halfway up/down the staircase with full mattress, pillow and duvet. This continued to happen most nights, without my knowledge, until I was 18.

At 18 my mum awoke at 2am to discover me in the toilet, pissing against the pedestal and all over the bathroom floor, when I'd finished I did casually turn, complete with piss-soaked feet, flush the (unused) toilet, wash my hands and return to bed.

Years later, picture the scene, I'm lying in bed with Mrs. Haggisbreeder, I sit up and start to 'eat' something. She (also sleep cognitive) says: What are you eating?
Me: Nothing! Go back to sleep, it's nothing, honest.
Her: Yes you are! What is it?
Me: Pizza (imaginary)
Her: Can I have a bit?
Me: Shhhh, just go back to sleep..
Her: Oh, go on..
Me: No you can't have any, now fuck off and go back to sleep.

I finished the lot myself, selfish bastard that I am.

The same thing has happened with mince and tatties a few times since then and also with haggis and neeps.

I've always been a sleep walker, recently Mrs Haggisbreeder woke at 2am to find me up against the bedroom window 'giving birth' to some aliens who were being 'delivered' thru the window (Honestly, I don't do drugs). I successfully delivered them all without incident, like a hero, and all the alien survivors and their remote families really appreciated that.

One night, about 2 years ago, when I was working away from home and stayed in a little hotel with some co-workers, I used my bed as a toilet. It was embarrassing and everyone really took the piss out of me. The following evening, I had learned my lesson, I would never again piss my own bed, so I crept into my bosses room and used his bed / pillow instead. How many people get to piss on their boss and use sleepwalking as an excuse?
I still grin (BIG) everytime I think 'I urinated all over that thick cunt'!
I continue to regularly sleepwalk, in-fact I'm actually sleep-writing this and probably won't remember anything about it.


I'd just like to give you all a big 'Woo' and a clicky slice of 'YaY' for the sheer cuntyfucks of it.
(Sat 25th Aug 2007, 22:04, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Crazy Pubes
I spent FIVE years of my life rubbing my future-mother-in-laws PUBES into my FACE.

To explain, Mrs Haggisbreeder’s parents had recently split up, her mum left her man with the traditional family home and purchased a spanking new place in an attractive part of town.

It was a roomy 2 bedroom flat, so Mrs. Haggisbreeder and I didn’t waste any time in proffering our share of the mortgage for the extra room.

Mrs. Haggisbreeder’s mum was often on NHS late-shifts so, more often than not, many a party ensued.

After some time, I began to develop a reddish rash on my neck which eventually spread out across my entire face (until now, I always put this down to sheer alcoholism).

Now, I’m an organised type of person, I like everything to be ‘just so’.

So did everyone else.

We had an organised routine in the bathroom too.

Everybody would have their own toothbrush in their own space and so on....

But after five years of co-inhabiting with the old dear, we have a conversation like this:

Haggisbreeder: Someone replaced my razorblade today!

Mother in law: No, That was MY razorblade!

Haggisbreeder: Mine is the one in the middle, the Gillette-vibrating-triple-blade-job!

Mother in law: That’s the one I always use to shave my pussy.

Haggisbreeder: You’re KIDDING!

Mother in law: No.

Haggisbreeder: I’ve been shaving with the same razor as you for five years?

Mother in law: Yup!

Haggisbreeder: And you don’t find that weird?

Mother in law: Nope!

Isn't that truly crazy/weird?
(Thu 12th Jul 2007, 1:44, More)

» God

We are all just 'frisbees'
I always liked the idea of being 'Frisbee-tarian' in the belief that, when I die, my soul will simply end up on the roof and I won't be able to get it back down again.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 1:19, More)

» Spoilt Brats

All I ever wanted was a motorbike, can I get one granny?
(Sun 12th Oct 2008, 17:46, More)

» Common

common is, as common does....
On this very page, there is an advert which reads "Buy Novelty Toilet Seats - A wide range of fun & novelty toilet seats online. Free delivery!" Who's kidding who here?
(Sat 18th Oct 2008, 18:03, More)
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