» Sleepwalking

Drunk
Oooookay.

This happened in the lovely little town of Weymouth where there are reportedly more pubs per head of population than anywhere else in the UK.

I got drunk with a wuss Oz mate of mine called Jonty. Really drunk. He was working there as a lifeguard at the time, and was legendary for his lack-of-drinking ability. 8 pints of Fosters and 'where's me kangaroo, mate?'

Forearmed with this knowledge, I matched his every pint with 1 1/2 pints of Stella Artois. After all, there's no fun in being less drunk than the person you're drinking with.

He was lodging at a family's house at the time. To this day I don't know how many kids lived there, but there were at least 2. I had never met the family before nor been in the house, so imagine my surprise when I found myself completely without memory stood in an upstairs hallway of an unfamiliar house with a short, older man in front of me saying 'Where's you home mate? Where's your home?'

I duly got out of there as fast as I could, eventually got my bearings and found my way home and fell asleep, thinking that what I couldn't remember would stay that way.

How wrong was I?

Jonty rang me, interrupting my hang-over coma. He told me that I needed to do some serious apologising to do.

What had happened was Jonty had got really drunk, I offered to look after him, and he said it was ok for me to crash in his room, which I did. Then at some point during the night, I decided that I needed the toilet. But....I didn't know where it was on account of never being there before and never being shown where it was. So apparently I went for a slash in their bath.

Not satisfied with this humiliation, my drunken subconscious mind then told me to go back into bed. But because I was asleep, drunk and there were no lights on, I tried certain closed doors, fumbling for a while at their kid's bedroom door, waking them, then going through the nearest open door and tucking myself nicely into bed with the mother and father.

That was when the poor bloke woke up and steered me into the hallway, turned on the light and tried to talk some sense into me.

To this day I still marvel at the fact that the father didn't knock me out or something as I now have kids of my own, and would certainly brain any stranger drunken or not wandering around my house.

I guess it could've been worse, and got into bed with the kids. I shudder at the prospect that there is a parallel universe where this has actually happened.
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 1:46, More)

» Council Cunts

...and the next award goes to BT....AGAIN!
I don't know what was worse - having to call out an engineer 5 times to find a fault, or to have to argue with the billing department that I wasn't liable for the £99.00 (inc VAT) for each visit.

Needless to say, the fault was with BT, and not with each and every handset I tested the line with, as they were suggesting.

Cretins.
(Fri 27th Jul 2007, 16:51, More)