» Desperate Times

I Shagged A Cushion Once....
i wont go into detail, but with enough lube.... anything is shaggable

/coat
(Wed 21st Nov 2007, 14:56, More)

» Customers from Hell

I work in a supermarket photoshop
Another Shit Day Ahead is the best way to describe the company.

anyway i digress, as i said i work on the photolab,
i enjoy it most of the time general chit chat with customers and my workmates.

until one day our printers fuck up.

we had to shut the machine down completely until a engineer could come and fix it.

one of the 'usual' twunts customers arrived, and begain to load out all his 35mm film for process,

i began to explain that because of machine failure i couldent do any processing AT ALL for at least three days minimum.

He fucking flipped....

Customer- "THIS AN ABSOULUTE OUTRAGE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FILM DEVELOPED NOW?!?!"

TD- "well sir if it is an urgent order mabye i can suggest maybe the jessops in the shopping center or maybe boots in the highstreet?"

C- "NO! JESSOPS IS TOO SMALL FOR MY LARGE ORDER(3 films of 12 exposures)" AND THE CHINESE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN BOOTS IS STEALING MY PHOTOS"

TD- "...."

with that he walked of and went off into the store...
only to be escorted by security five minutes later for pissing himself and shouting at the top of his voice
"im am william shakespeare, my eyes are cctv cameras and the law is after me"


i love my job sometimes.... that day wasent one of them
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 18:59, More)

» Advice from Old People

ny nans last words to me (and i shit you not)
were:

"bloody ragheads and coon's,
stealing all the jobs they should be on the next bannana boat to africa"

the advice?
(bear in mind she was almost 97 at the time)
"if one try's to steal your job T.D, shoot them"

she died three days later.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 21:05, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Pigeon Vs. Bottle
a few months back i was walking through bournemouth on my merry way to some wher with my good friend dean, we were talking about that evenings events
(we were off to see grindcore legends napalm death)

i started 'air drumming' with my oasis bottle when suddenly out of no where as i hit a particularly high 'cymbal '

a pigeon flew staright into my hand as i swung it back down. sending the poor bugger to the ground with a sickening thud.
i also heard its neck snap.
then to make matters worse, it convulsed and shat itself

we then did the honurary thing, and chucked it in a public bin.

length?
well, im a foot and a half dont you know?

* i am actually missing some toes on one foot hence the foot an a half



(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 14:36, More)

» Voyeurism

my sick room mate
i was at college a few years back and after a night n the sauce had, brought a young girl back to my digs, and being the only two in the bluidding she decided to suck me off in th communial lounge..

after about ten minutes, i get tapped on the shoulder by my room mate,

he'd been stood there five minutes, watching everything.... the dirty betch

he then had the balls to ask for a threesome
(Sun 14th Oct 2007, 18:04, More)