b3ta.com user The Urban Badger
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I hope this hasnt bindun

(Wed 1st Aug 2007, 21:28, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Pet Peeves

being a barman
Heres my guide to ettiquette:

1) If your barman tells you the barrel is empty and is just off to change it, do not sigh, its an unavoidable occurance in drinking draught you twunt.
1a) If i change it and continue with your already half poured pint, do not ask for a fresh one, what could have possibly changed in the beer in the meantime?

2) Say please and thank you, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, beleive me, i've done it before, i'll bloody well do it again.

3) Now heres a tricky one, if you require service FACE the bar, and hold out some form of currency/ empty glass. Dont wave it, im not a bookie, and dear god, dont continue to have a conversation with your mates so I can read the back of your head. You are better off standing away from the bar so i can see you physically coming to get another drink.




6) If you order a coffee, dont go walkies and expect me to take 10 minutes looking for you, go to where you say you were.

7) If you want to move the furniture about, ask, we'll say yes, i gaurentee you wont put it back, but at least you were polite.

8) (one from last night) I had a bloke come to the bar and ask if we had a particular beverage, we didnt. He then spent 10 minutes arguing, asking if i was sure, why hadn't I heard of it "But you're a barman!" And mabye i should ask someone else. Look you grotesque peice of scum, if you were 100% convinced i should have it then why didnt you bloody well ask for it straight away instead of asking if I had it first? And dont insult my intellegence, im probably much smarter than you considering ive been listening to you talk all night about how your freeview box wont pick up any Sky channels.

9) Dear god, if you surround a table cramming your entire pikey family onto one designed for three at most, i'm not going to come clear the empties away.

There are many more but I'm off to deal with theese problems. So heres one more

10) Empty bar, one barman, moi, I will be stood by the till, if you go and stand the other end of the bar and wait to get served, you will be better off getting a stool, im staying where I am you ignorant cnuts

Length? 15 hours on sunday, DONT do any of the above.

And im not bitter, i quite like my job, be nice to me, and ill take care of you the whole time your in MY bar, I just won an award for best barman, so dont fuck with me, im far too cocky for my own good this week :)
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 9:55, More)

» My most treasured possession

The Evidence
(Fri 9th May 2008, 15:45, More)

» Customers from Hell

Not exactly MY customers......
Im studying a BTEC at college, theatre production for those interested. It seems to attract the inbreds of society. I have just met the new first years, and for what its worth these "customers" of the college, are from hell.

Phil- Inflate a grossly overweight man, you get phil. Is apparently "gods gift to the theatre" and "all my shoes have steel toe caps, i bet yous dont". I died a little that day. Oh, who on first day asked if anyone else was a cross dresser!?!

Duane- The cross dresser, i've already put up with him for a year, but today he came in as a man (thank fuck, there is nothing worse than having to endure 2 hours of a 25 year old annoresic dressed as a schoolgirl, pigtails n all.) He was however wearing 7 belts, up his torso.....

New first year girl- When asked for an interesting fact "i like looking for ghosts".... then proceded to meditate (imagine cliche meditation, legs crossed, fingers poised) for 45 minutes, in silence.

Lucy- Grossly overweight, stinks to high heaven, windows are opened, by lectures, when she enters a room, who as she puts it "is shit at everything and im a bitch"

Laura- Wolfmans sister, WORRYINGLY hairy, comically ugly, wears spandex trousers, boots and winnie the pooh puffer waistcoats.

Alex- Aptly nicknamed, "dancing queen", because of his insane obsession with dancing around college, and playing seasons of love on any piano he happens to dance past.

Paul- Typical weirdo, asked girl for phone number, with added "but look i can do the robot" then proceded to have, what we thought was a seizure.

Lee- The goth, whose devised acting peice began with "KILL ALL THE CHILDREN"

Hannah- My stalker, didnt really have a fear of her until during an interval of a performance when I was FOH, points at me and shouts "HIM" to all of her mates who then stare at me for a good 15 minutes. "Faints" whenever im close enough to notice, recovers quickly when i casually step over her and wander off.

Seb- Thinks he is jhonny depp, dresses as captain jack, complete with compass and key to davy jones's box....

Carl- Err, ok, i dont want to wear out my keyboard, so lets go with, once ran out of theatre cyring to the head of department that my mate kicked him in the balls "quote". It was said mates day off..... Hes a little bit "special"

Oh god its going to be a long year, i wish i was lying, i really do, but because of age/ college, most of these people have Myspazzes and Facebooks for proof of lunacy. I just hope my lectures dont hang themselves, becasue i've been bloody close!

2 Years long, the majority 3 ft wide....
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 13:22, More)

» Mums

My mum is ever so slightly OCD. When I am home and she heads off to work she tends to leave me a little note, asking to hoover, dust e.t.c

Now I'm not a huge fan of any form of housework, so generally I make it the last thing I do before she gets home. I use the Jo Brand method of hoovering "Fuck it, that'll do"......

However, even if I were to spend an hour pushing the Dyson around the living room, I always get the same response form my mum.

Mum: Did you hoover?
Me: Yes
Mum: No you didn't, don't lie
Mum: I know you didn't
Me: How? oh wise one.
Mum: I left traps!

Yes, my mum will spend at least 10 minutes before going to work, leaving little piles of crumbs in obscure places. Behind the sofa, under the rug...... She needs a hobby

Apparently she is allergic to cat hair and heavily asthmatic, which makes it understandable. But our cat died 6 years ago.

Just to add a few more.

I am not allowed to use the washing machine in case I break it
I am not allowed to take any washing unless it has been ironed, this includes socks
I am not allowed to drive over 30mph in the car
I get told off for opening the fridge as
a) it wastes electricity
b) I eat too much (despite my friends being force fed when they come round)

Oh, and I was once sat down on lectured on the misuse of drugs after my mum found filters in my room and a can of red bull in the bin.

Im 22 ladies and gentlemen

I love my mum :)
(Wed 17th Feb 2010, 20:55, More)