b3ta.com user jessemoya
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Your typical American, living in what calls itself "America's most European City", which also prides itself on being where the American Revolutionary War began.

Currently I'm working in a cancer research lab and trying to use my Gender Studies degree to get into law school. Um, I was told that in my 20's I'd get to change my mind as much as I wanted to concerning careers.

I'm a huge fan of Legless.

Me and Grandpa in my native Detroit:

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» When Animals Attack

In which Our Hero barks for his life.
For freshman orientation in college* we were split into groups of about a dozen and sent off into the woods with a pair of seniors to have a small adventure. You could choose to go hiking, climbing, or any number of things. I chose canoeing.

The group is seven dudes and seven gals, all of us young, fresh-faced, horny, and excited to be college students. Did I get laid on this trip? Did I, fuck. This is not the proper QOTW for that story anyway.

So on the way to the river the seniors are briefing us on the rules and the general plan for the trip. I have a bit of experience and the guy from Alaska has some, too, but otherwise the rest are mostly from small suburbs in the Midwest or big cities like Manhattan. We are in The Middle of Nowhere, New Hampshire, which means mountains, trees, oh - and moose. LOTS of moose.

Here's the thing about moose: they get aggressive when they're in heat, and they're bigger than any animal needs to ever be. HUGE. Yet they still have natural enemies. Or rather, HAD - before the local wolves were all killed off. So, how do you stop a moose from charging? Bark. You bark like a dog. This will trigger the beast's innate fear of wolves and scare it away. Not that we were likely to meet any on our trip, mind you, but it's useful information to have just in case.

The first day we head out and make camp at a makeshift air strip, which was really just a quarter-mile clearing in the trees. We stack the canoes like a log cabin and throw a tarp over top. Ta-daa! Something for all of us hot, tight-bodied teens to sleep under! You know, next to each other. At night, in the dark.

Follow dinner, frisbee, chatting on and such. One thing leads to another, and there we are all snuggled in our sleeping bags and Our Hero begins to doze off...

[whispering]"Jesse... wake up."
"SHHHHHHHH! There's a moose!"

My first thought is of the blonde next to me. I can be brave and valiant in the face of danger! Surely I will get SO laid after all of this - WAIT. WE ARE UNDER SOME HEAVY CANOES.

[more whispering]
Is everyone awake?
Wait, I see it!
By the trees! I see it too!
There's two of them!

Finally, one of the seniors:
You guys - we may have to start barking. If they get close we should all bark at once.

Um. It got close. We barked. Loudly. All 14 of us (12 freshmen and two seniors). For our lives. FOR OUR LIVES.

*ruff! ruff!
*yip! yipyip!
*grrrr arf arf arf!

For at least 60 seconts, which is a long time to be doing something like that. Trust me. We eventually quieted down.

[whispering] (for no reason)
Are they gone?
Did it work?
Does anyone see anything?
I think they left.

Next thing I know, in the moonlight between the canoes, there is a tall and skinny leg DIRECTLY in front of me. I believe I am the one that started the second round.

*woof woof!

As I am barking my lungs out and bracing for the canoes to collapse on top of us, a large snout pokes through the tarp. A flashlight beam hits it, and it narrows. Eyes. Small. Antlers... pointy?

Suddenly there's multiple flashlights from outside the tent, and the senior holding the antelope head ducks into the tarp. GOTCHA!

Sons of bitches. Sons. Of Bitches.

The seniors pranked us BUT GOOD. It was an extra crew of seniors brining us some supplies for the next day. And from the beginning it was all a farce! They had to pull the Alaskan guy aside and tell him to play along. He told us later that the whole time we were whispering he had his head in the pillow and was ready to die from holding it in! To this day it's a better prank than I've ever pulled, and the best I've been victim to.

But they brought us homemade brownies and beer to make up for it, so we all had a small party there in the night. Um, I never got anywhere with that blonde girl. But wait, this is my story, right? What I meant was, I nailed her a week later and her roomate the week after. So all's well.

*You bet your ass I'm 'Merkin! "Color!" "Dollars!" Wanna fight about it?


Apologies for length, but I'm compensating for my short penis.
(Wed 30th Apr 2008, 6:34, More)

» Asking people out

How I learned to get THEM to come to YOU.
I got my lip pierced back in 2005:

A year later I was flirting with this girl from class when it occurred to me that a) she was really into me, and 2) she mentions how much she really likes my lip ring a lot...

It made me think, you know what? I've had comments on it from OTHER girls that I thought maybe I had a shot with.

You may have noticed the background in that picture. I work in a research lab. So I did what I do best: I formed a hypothesis and designed a way to test it.

HYPOTHESIS: Any girl that mentions my lip ring will totally make out with me.

EXPERIMENT: Proposition every girl that mentions my lip ring. If they bring it up, apropos of nothing, and say "hey, I like your lip ring" then respond with: Well, if you want to give it a spin, I'm looking to maybe get into some trouble later. Then just go from there.

RESULTS: In three years I have made out with 100% of the girls that have mentioned my lip ring. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Only once has the girl not been attractive to me, but damnit this is science, and I had to do it to be sure.

CONCLUSION: I have a shot with any gal that compliments my lip ring, or even goes far enough to feign interest in whether it hurt or not (nb: not one bit). I don't know why this is, but I imagine that for whatever reason, it's not universal. Some gals think it gives me a "bad boy" image, some gals are into me for other reasons and are looking for something nice to say as a subtle green light for me to make a move, and some gals aren't really interested at all until I make a bold move, which in itself impresses them.

SUPPLEMENTAL DATA: I had a dude once ask me about it at a dinner party. I told him about this idea and the people in attendance were all amused. I later had a gal pull me aside, smirk, and say "so hey, I like your lip ring..." That's when I knew that this was the single best $40 I've ever spent.
(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 3:46, More)

» Asking people out

How I learned that you should ALWAYS go for it.

I was 16, she was 15. I was one grade ahead, so I figured I had that working for me. Also, I was the new kid the year before, and that was also in my favor. She knew who I was, but we had never had an actual conversation.

We were at a dance. Not together, but we were both there. I made the mistake of telling a friend of mine that I had been admiring this young lady from afar. She was attractive, but not outrageously out of my league or anything. So my friend made me go ask her to dance. And I mean MADE me. I remember she pinched me on the tricep and it hurt like a kick in the balls.

I hope that at least once in all of our lives we get to experience timing so perfect that you'd swear you were suddenly in a cheesy movie.

This high school was small: 250 students. We were in a small auditorium, and she was right in the middle of it dancing with some friends. Dim lighting, colored lights and decorations, everyone dressed up - the usual, you know? I'll never forget how this all went down.

JUST as I started to walk towards her, the music changed and a slow song came on. I watched her as I approached - all of her friends paired up and she looked around for someone to dance with...

"Uh, hi Katie. Would you like to dance?"

PERFECT delivery. Just a little touch of endearing nervousness, and very simple and straightforward. I smiled and held out my hand.

Her eyes went from my hand to my face. She looked like I had just asked her for money. She laughed - ACTUALLY chuckled! - and said "Nice try." And walked away. Just like that.

I stood there in disbelief and didn't move. She walked out of the small auditorium to where the refreshments were, just outside. I didn't want to awkwardly follow her, so I gave her a head start. I just stood there, in the middle of the dance floor, not dancing and trying not to look at anyone around me who might have heard the exchange.

I was absolutely humiliated. And you know what? It passed. My past self took one for the team so that my present self doesn't have to wonder what could have been. It turns out that having gone for it and failed spectacularly is WAY better than having WISHED I would have gone for it when I had the chance.
(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 3:07, More)

» Sexual fetishes

There's a technical difference between a kink and a fetish.
People use the two terms interchangeably, but there is a difference.

Now, a FETISH is a sexual excitement over an inanimate object. Like if someone were to, say, actually get wood at the sight of a 2009 Pewter Denim Harley-Davidson Street Bob with black Vance and Hines Sideshots, 14 inch apes, and the blacked-out engine casings.

Whereas a KINK would be sexual enjoyment over something uncommon. Like if someone where to, say, beg The Girlfriend to wear full riding gear to bed - e.g. leather jacket, riding chaps, goggles, and helmet - and asked her to scream out which "gear" she was in so that you knew how close she was to, er, redlining.

Hopefully you all have learned something from this post.
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 19:07, More)

» Good Advice

Dennis Rodman has sensible advice regarding tattoos

When I was 16 I heard Dennis Rodman (think: tatted up weirdo who will do anything for attention) give an interview. He was asked what he'd say to "young people" who are thinking of getting tattoos.

"I would say that they should plan exactly what they want, and exactly where on their body that they want it. Then wait exactly one year. If you still want it, then go get it."

So simple, I don't know why no one else has seemed to think of it!
(Fri 21st May 2010, 6:38, More)
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