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» Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses and carnivals

Breakfast in a Cup
I've been lurking on these boards for years now, I've read countless hilarious anecdotes. This is my first post to QotW. Please be gentle.

A few years ago (ok more like 7 or 8 years ago) I was on a "round the country road trip" to watch Sunderland vs West Ham. I went with my then girlfriend and her Family. Being from London, it was deemed to far too drive in one day. So we elected to stop somewhere near Nottingham and then visit Alton Towers on the Sunday before heading back down Saaaarff.

Sunday morning in the Hotel, a glorious (rank) fried breakfast was consumed, then off to Alton Towers.

We arrive and straight away we head to Nemesis. At early o'clock there are no queues for said ride and well why wouldn't you go on the best ride first.

One of the members of the party was then GF's uncle, a guy we shall call Richard, as this was (and still is I believe) his name. Richard was suddenly very nervous and started saying things like "Think I'll just let you guys go on this one" & "I think I should just sit this one out". If he was a small child of 10 then I could understand the fear, but he was 42.

None of us were impressed by the new cowardice streak that Rich was showing. Instantly we were practically dragging him on to said ride and asking him why he wouldn't go on it.

Finally he admitted that he lives his life by a simple mathematical equation. It was "Legs Over Head == Sick".

After the initial laughter subsided we started pestering him with questions like, if he did a forwards roll? would he be sick? And what about a cartwheel?, What about a somersault on a trampoline? Eventually after much piss taking we all go on Nemesis, including a nervous Richard who could no longer be the butt of everyone's jokes.

Up, Down, Over, upsidedown, downsideup wooooosh.
A great ride on nemesis (at the time, it's a bit tame really)

Whilst waiting to disembark I looked over at Richard who had turned a shade or grey, not unlike John Major's puppet from Spitting Image. Gingerly he left the ride and wandered over to his misses who held out a cup of tea for him. Instantly the the cup was emptied into a hedge and poor Richard proved his theory correct.

He proceeded to chunder into the cup, his whole fried breakfast. The best bit of this was as he finished he put his finger to the side of his nose and blew out a whole button mushroom.

We were howling with laughter. Poor Rich though felt worse and worse and didn't go on anymore rides for the entire day. It still cracks me up that he paid all that money to go to Alton Towers and went on one ride, puked up and then spent the rest of the day feeling like he had just come out of a washing machine.

Apologies for length, but no apologies for girth.
(Thu 9th Jun 2011, 16:04, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Catholic Liverpool Wedding
Oh man, I hate religion, the only thing that winds me up more is the bloody x-factor. Anyway I digress.
Earlier this year, one of the misses friends got married up near Liverpool. The misses, myself and our 6 month old daughter made the 250 mile drive from London and pitched up at the pub near the church. Nothing beats a swift pint or two before a wedding.

Realising that we were in danger of missing the chruchy bit we necked the beers and wandered down to the god house. We go in and I suggested we sit near the back, if daughter cries we can make a quick exit.

Then it started, a full on rant about God and Jesus. It was around this point (5mins in I think) I started willing my daughter to cry.

Then the priest started shouting that "If you think you know better than Jesus you are wrong" and "damned to hell". Sorry heard enough, picked up daughter and left the misses there. We went outside sat on a blanket in the sun and waited. And waited, and waited. Gradually more parents with babies emerged. Followed by people coming for a smoke, and then a couple more people, one of which said to us "Well I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell now, anyone fancy a pint".

Turns out the brides family were all full on Catholics. Did I mention I hate religion. Bastards.
(Thu 1st Sep 2011, 15:25, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Putting the Fun in Funeral
The best funeral I have ever been to was my mate Greg's. Greg died in a Ford Carpi that he bought for a tenner. Unluckily for him, a bus was passing a parked car on a bend on poor greg's side of the road. Bloke didn't stand a chance.

His funeral was held in Hildenborough church. We all packed in there and Greg's parents wanted to play a song Greg loved. It was The Prodigy's No Good, Start The Dance. Let me tell you it's surreal being in a church with The Prodigy blaring out of the sound system.

When the actual service began my mate Chris who was next to me picked up the hymn book that was infront of him. Chris is a clumsy bugger to say the least and it came as no surprise to see hundreds of pages come flying out of this hymn book all over the floor. I tried not to laugh. I really did. The sight of him scrabbling round the floor trying to gather up all the loose papers. I suppressed my laughing into coughs. Loud coughs.

I must not make eye contact, I must not make eye contact. I knew if I did that would be it. The fucker just looked up at me from the floor and we both burst into hysterical laughter. Some people didn't appreciate this to say the least. If looks could have killed it would have been my funeral the next day.

A bit later, we were back at Greg's parents house. His mum was giving tours of his bedroom. They wanted this to be a celebration of his life. Still me and Chris felt guilty, I mean we openly cracked up at her sons funeral. We felt it was our duty to apologise for what we had done. She was surprisingly cool about it and said "don't worry boy's, had greg been with you in that situation he would have laughed the loudest."

Still felt bad though. I mean who laughs at a funeral?
(Thu 1st Sep 2011, 15:41, More)