b3ta.com user vinny
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» Presents

This year
I'm going to give my nephews and nieces radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their glowing little faeces.....
(Fri 27th Nov 2009, 11:52, More)

» Sleepwalking

Wardrobe Bollocking
My Bro and I, when we were younger, were in an Air Cadet squadron. Was good fun, flying and shooting and running around in the woods at night. After he was too old to be a cadet, he went back as an adult instructor. On one camp, he was in the room next to the Wing Warrant Officer (someone you wouldn't want to upset in a hurry), I think he'd been out for a couple of jars.

The poor WWO was woken up by my brother storming into his room, dressed only in his boxers, thinking the worst (that he was going to get raped or pissed upon). Luckily for him, my brother had taken exception to something this guy's uniform had done, so he stormed to the wardrobe, flung the door open, and ranted at the guys clothes for a while. swung the door shut, did an about turn, and stormed off again.

Luckily WWO is a good cartoonist, so my mum now has a lovely caricature of my brother, in his kecks, shouting at a wardrobe, while the other bloke looks petrified. Not only is he not allowed to forget it, he gets a visual reminder every time he goes into the house*.

*Not that he does remember it, as he was asleep at the time.

Length? It satisfies me.....
(Tue 28th Aug 2007, 13:08, More)

» Good Advice

I think I heard this one on the radio...
The only thing you can be sure of when someone's indicating is that their indicators work...
(Mon 24th May 2010, 9:49, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

And just remembered
I worked for a company who supply equipment to the NHS - flow cytometers and blood culture machines were the dept I worked in. We had a call one day from a hospital trying to get a reduction in the increase in our service charge for the machine they had. I looked through the paperwork, and they'd got a 75% discount on the machine when they bought it, so we said no. Every day for a week she called, trying to get a 1% reduction in the increase. When I went and looked at the renewal cost, their increase of 3% amounted to £60 - yes, she was being paid to call me and ask for a £20 discount. The thought hadn't seemed to occur to the managers that paying someone to try and talk suppliers into meagre discounts was pretty stupid - they were probably paying her more than they were saving. *That* is what's wrong with the health service, in my humble opinion....
(Wed 17th Mar 2010, 15:56, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

I like cooking...
And thus I was volunteered to cook Christmas dinner, for my mother-in-law's birthday. In August. I was quite happily prepping the veg, cutting an onion to go up the turkey's rusty bullet hole. I wasn't even doing the snazzy "chef-slicing" which makes the other half wince and tell me to be careful, but just slicing an onion into quarters...

The knife slipped, and as I have a great knife sharpener, I also have very sharp knives... It went round the outside of the onion, until it came to rest on something solid - my thumb. I swore very slightly, and put my thumb under the tap to wash the blood off, till I saw the end - almost a cm or so, hanging on by a thread of flesh. So, in the car with the wife, off to A & E.

The triage nurse going round the waiting room took one look at all the blood, and took me straight into a room, and cleaned it off. I explained how it happened, that I'd been chopping onions and garlic - when she cleaned the wound we could both smell the garlic - and patched it up. I was watching in fascination, but as she prodded it a bit, the sensation was odd as I'd obviously caught a few nerves, and went decidedly woozy. I'm normally OK with blood and injuries, but had gone a ghostly white, so she suggested I sat on the bed, an offer I gratefully took.

And here comes the worst bit. The room they'd put me in was at the end of the corridor where all the cubicles were - about a dozen each side. It was a Sunday afternoon, quite busy, so there were plenty of doctors, nurses, porters, patients, all wandering about. The nurse, when she'd gone out, had left the door open. The bed was immediately in front of the door. I was laid on the bed, with my elbow resting on the side of the bed, hand upwards, with a 4 inch plaster on my thumb. I have never felt such a fraud in my entire life....

It's healed nicely though (as the knife was nice and sharp, and I immediately had antisceptic in the cut, these helped :) ) so thanks to the nurses at the GWH for that.
(Mon 15th Mar 2010, 15:50, More)
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