» Why should you be fired from your job?

I work in a open plan office
and my boss’s boss looks directly at my screen all day, so skiving is off the cards. Luckily however I write and run a fair few models on my PC, so if that’s seen to be doing something then I can sit and play sudoku, draw cartoons, or massage my hangover.

One of the models I run looks very similar to all the others, but does the square root of eck all. I just enter the time at which I will be happy to resume labour and a progress bar builds serenely across the screen, magically reaching 100% at the alloted hour. To add an air of authenticity the screen flashes a bit and is accompanied by various messages; most are either thinly veiled 24 references “prioritizing active protocols”, or meaninglessly mathematical “dimensioning heteroscedasticity matrix”.
(Wed 15th Aug 2007, 11:01, More)

» Sleepwalking

Freak child
I managed similar exploits in my formative years, none of which were as a result of the dreaded piss. I've awoken halfway through number of various activities:

-With a jar of Marmite in my hand and a fully set breakfast table before me.
-Presenting cups of tea to various members of the family at random times of night.
-Pissing in various places including, but not limited to, a cupboard, standing on my bed, the greenhouse and up a tree in our neighbour's garden.

Have also managed:
-Conversations, fully blown duologues with other people and not found out until days later.

Best of all, I climbed into bed with my 4 year old sister and proceeded to piss myself. We weren't discovered until the morning and the smell of slash was pretty pervasive through both space and time.

My dear mother, not wanting to scare me, called these occurrences 'night terrors'. Reassured I was not.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 18:15, More)