b3ta.com user tuqueboy
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I'm from the smarter, northern part of North America. Don't blame me for our neighbours. But do gaz me if you enjoy good beer.

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» Accidental innuendo

Extra tongue, please
As a journalist, I often have to get in touch with people in a hurry. Often, this involves having to deal with the sub-human species known as PR people. This time, I was trying to reach a senior economist at a bank, via the flak. The flak decided she'd get in touch with him via mobile e-mail device. Rather than saying (like a normal person) that she'd e-mail him, or even blackberry him, she chose to pronounce the acronym of the manufacturer of said device.
``You should hear back this afternoon. I've just RIMmed him.''
I spat coffee at my keyboard, and it was about a half hour before i could breathe normally again
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 1:07, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Who says romance is dead?
I do, actually. Having food poisoning can put a rather spectacular damper on a ``romantic'' vacation in Istanbul. Especially when both of you have it. Especially when it first makes itself known in the in-room jacuzzi. ``Ah, darling, make love to me in the moonlight pouring through the window as we look out upon the Hagia Sophia. It is truly a wonde....Parrrrpppppp. Christ. What's that stench??''
Nothing says romance like two people fighting over the same toilet. Then getting threatened at gunpoint by Turkish soldiers who mistook us for Kurdish terrorists while we were on our way to the hospital at 3:48 a.m.
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 2:23, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

City TV is one bad mother
On a local TV station here in Toronto (CityTV, if you know the town), they think our little ears are too sensitive to hear the word motherfucker while watching movies (why they think it'd be OK for someone -- presumably a kid -- to watch a movie with people getting their heads blown off but not to hear an obscenity is anther story). Thus, they bleep out part of the word. No, not the ``fucker'' part. ``You are one bad ------fucker''. The first time I noticed this I was in a slightly-less than sober state, so didn't believe my ears. It happened again with a different movie the following week.
(Mon 26th Nov 2007, 1:45, More)

» Sleepwalking

A friend
My friend Steve (aka the vegan who hates vegetables), who hails from one of Manchester's tinier suburbs, has had many memorable sleepwalking incidents. Unlike some of you lot, he actually manages the feat without the aid of alcohol (oh, he drinks; it's just usually not what's responsible for the nocturnal wanderings). Yes, he's had a piss in bed (on his wife's leg). He's also fallen down the stairs at 4 a.m. He's also gone into the kitchen and started up a pot of spaghetti which nearly burned the house down.

But the highlight performance was the time his wife awoke to the sound of muffled banging from the bedroom closet. She wandered over, and was greeted by the sight of all her clothes on the floor, Steve stark naked, holding a hammer in his hand, and a couple of nails in his mouth. Three old shelves were torn down, and he was nailing up a new one. ``Steve, what the hell are you doing?,'' she inquired quite reasonably. ``What the fuck does it look like? I'm making you a new cupboard just like you asked*, you cunt!,'' he replied.Strangely, it was a few weeks later that she filed for divorce.

*she hadn't.
(Mon 27th Aug 2007, 1:55, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Say dear. You know what would be fun? How about we leave our nice, comfortable, warm dry house, with running water, toilet, an oven, entertainment, fridge, and liquor cabinet, and soft, warm beds. And a hot shower. And, you know, music.
Instead, let's spend an entire weekend, sleeping in a smelly, leaking mosquito-infested nylon sweat-lodge, then taking a stroll through the even more mosquito-infested forest (with the added bonus of possible dismemberment by wildlife), swimming in a leech-infested lake, eating shitty tinned food heated to luke-warm, then listening to some stoned hippy retard sing anti-war songs on a shitty fucking six-string, while sitting around a half-burned-out ``fire'' while our entire wardrobe begins to smell like kippers. yeah. that's a great way to spend a holiday weekend.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 15:42, More)
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