» Gyms

Not very good, or funny, or moving...Just something that makes me smile
When I go to my gym and use the rowing machines: it's not bolted to the floor, and is on waxed wooden flooring - so I actually do physically move forwards with each rowing stroke.

Rowing past people on treadmills and weight machines etc to the other side of the gym is a simple pleasure, but it really does make the gym visit infinitely more enjoyable.

Sometimes I do a little wave and nod as I row past them.
(Fri 10th Jul 2009, 11:39, More)

» Schadenfreude

Twat-Student Mastercard.
Rage Against the Machine Hoodie. £20

'Windbreaker' Baggy Jeans. £25

Blonde Tipped Trustafarian Deadlock Haircut. Probably £50, looks like he slept in a ditch...

Goatee Beard. £1 on disposable razor from Poundland

Many Festival Beads and Weekend Wristbands accumlated over 3 years of being a professional bum. £300 spent on festivals, £200 saved on shower gel.

Ironic Top Hat. £10 from oxfam?

Pretentious and utterly fuckerly dull conversation about how much weed you smoked last night and how anyone who doesn't smoke just wouldn't 'get that album' with similarly attired study-buddy. I'd pay you £10 to shut up.

Running onto the train at the last second, after you didn't notice its arrival due to being so engrossed in aforementioned conversation, thus smashing shin into train, then tripping over your massive jeans - on to the train and falling flat on your face in front of a full carriage of people. Top Hat - ruined, Jeans - ripped, Beads - scattered, Pride - gone.

Priceless. I almost built a six pack from laughing so hard.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 15:28, More)

» Greed

I took first place...
Like a greedy bastard.

I have the occasional day I binge on shit, but by large my appetite is pathetic. But my friend (skinny as a rake) eats as a competitive sport. How he's not obese/acne ridden is anyone's guess, maybe when he hits 30?

Anyway, my friend was telling me he went to one of those godamnawful giant chain buffet 'Eat as much as you fucking can, you tasteless fat fuck' places for a work leaving do a few months back.

He ate 34 profiteroles after about 4/5 full plates of a mishmash of various cusines (Roast Duck + Spare Ribs + Lasagne + Chips all on one plate...yum yum?)

He had to go home early as felt too ill and tired to hit the pubs, and couldn't fit any beer in his belly without it hurting.

Then got home and couldn't manage to lie down to sleep without feeling sick.

He spent the night on the sofa sweating and farting (Whilst I hope watching trans-world sport) and then did a big poo in the morning which he still talks about to this day.

Jammy skinny little bastard.
(Thu 14th Apr 2011, 16:32, More)

» Guilty Laughs

I felt no guilt and I'd laugh at it again. probably.
Picture the scene, 5.37pm Friday, just jumped on the train after a long hard week at work - Sweating and swearing under my breath about the general misgivings of the previous 5 days of banality and half-arsed sexual innuendo.

A moment of silence when the trains pulls from the station, bliss! Until someone's Sunny Delight-riddled bundle of (fucking) 'joy' bumps into my legs running backwards and forwards down the train. I breathe in and don't even give an inkling to the parent that this may be terribly annoying, after all speaking to strangers on trains is...well...strange, and best avoided.

10 long minutes pass whilst the annoyance of the seemingly duracel-battery-operated trouser-spawn continues. Until the train pulls into the station.....Alas, poor Timmy / Timmetta (I forget which sex the kid was) seemingly doesn't have the greatest balance when the speed decreases and does a (pretty amazing technique) arced dive through the air into the doors of the train.

"HA! I knew that would happen" I think for a split second...

I double check the kid's not dead (I don't actually care, but it might look bad in front of the other passengers), a second later the parent appears and gathers the poor thing up - wailing away, as you'd expect.

I think my tasty internal laugh is over, but no! there's more fun to be had, the parent takes the clearly shellshocked nipper into the first glass section and sits on the nearest seat whilst she comforts Timmy/Timmetta - sadly she doesn't notice his/her hand reaching behind her when the 1st class area automatic door shuts, on said kid's hand.

"HA!" I think again. "HA HA FUCKING HA"

I don't even dislike kids, but that's what a week in the office does to me. A horrible heartless fuck I am indeed.
(Thu 22nd Jul 2010, 15:50, More)

» Helicopter Parents

Missing
Went to Thailand for a month, inbox got full on email and had no mobile phone (this was back in 2000).

I wasn't recieving email replies due to unaware inbox was full, so stopped sending emails after a week into a month long trip.

Parents reaction to lack of email replies from me = report me missing to the UK consulate in Thailand, and phone up my girlfriend asking if she'd heard anything - making her also a bit concerned.

They were a nice suprise waiting for me at the airport, and then I had to go to a Police Station and take myself of the national missing persons list.

That is all.
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 16:57, More)