» My Worst Vomit

Not mine, but witnessed
was after a hefty bong session a mate (chic) scarfed down a large hawaian pizza. A little later he felt it coming back on him.. although the poor boy hadn't been drinking that much water, so the resultant pizza came out like a big dry turd, slowly forcing it's way out, hanging there refusing to drop. Needless to say i stood by crying with laughter.. so was my friend!
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 12:49, More)

» Singing the wrong words

ahem, ahem,
cucumber mi'lord, cucumber,
cucumber mi'lord, cucumber,

cucumber mi'lord, cucumber,
oh loooord cucumber.

someone's crying mi'lord, cucumber
someone's crying mi'lord, cucumber

someone's crying mi'lord, cucumber
oh loooord, cucumber



-to the tune of 'when the saints go marching in;'

there was a coo (there was a coo)

on yonder hill (on yonder hill)

there was a coo on yonder hill,
it's no there noo, it must have shifted,
there was a coo on yonder hill.

As sang at cowdenbeath football matches, inspired by Mcgonagle's poem;

on yonder hill there stood a coo,
it must have moved, it's no there noo
(Sat 29th Jan 2005, 16:44, More)

» School fights

he kneed my arse
i moved to a new school in primary 6, i was a bit of a cocky youngster at that time and i can remember strolling into the classroom wearing my leather jacket sporting a bouffant sideflick and my headgear bag slung over my shoulder - my new classmates looked on in awe and immediately assumed me to be hard as fuck. ho ho.

time went by and i acted the part and people seemed to buy it, all it seemed was good and well. then one day the school poofter (the boy was as camp as a row of pink tents) started to hassle me, kicking and slapping me with his ruler. this, i made it clear to him would result in the booting of his cunt after class. he cheerfully accepted his fate.

at the start of the fight i remmember delivering the most almighty right hook - completely missing the mincing fairy in front of me, swinging almost completely round. He made his move. The bastard took me from behind, bent me over and started kneeing me in the arse!.. he was a bit too heavy for me to shake off and i eventually started crying from the humiliation.

Unsurprisingly enough, turns out the boy is gay.. i sometimes wonder if that was the catylist
(Mon 13th Mar 2006, 14:43, More)

» When animals attack...

i tried to stroke a bee once.

..the bastard stung me.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2005, 15:02, More)

» Strange things you've been paid to do

chopped up chickens.
i was sixteen, it was my last summer holiday before i started real work or went to college and i spent it getting up at 4 o'clock in the morn and getting home at 5pm. All for £2.80 an hour.

like fuck. i walked after 2 day's. marshall's chicken cunts.
(Thu 30th Sep 2004, 20:36, More)