b3ta.com user Kitty v1.0
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» Lies that got out of control

I was at a festival a few years ago
and one of the girls we were with had arthritis, so she was allowed a wheelchair. Her arthritis wasn't so bad that she couldn't walk at all, but long queueing, etc., was painful for her. We mostly used this wheelchair to smuggle booze into the arena as they never checked her.

One night in the arena she had already gone back to the tent but had left us the wheelchair full of booze. One of my perfectly abled friends was sitting in it when it started to rain. He got up to go and get a beer and asked me to sit in the chair so it wouldn't get wet, which I did.

Whilst I was sitting and quietly enjoying the music, a really drunk guy stumbled over, didn't see me sitting down, and fell fully across my lap. Suddenly, a cavalry of nearby lads leapt over to save what they saw as this poor disabled girl from being trampled by some oaf. They yanked the guy off me and threw him away somewhere before running back to me and checking if I was ok. I didn't want to dampen their heroics so I let them believe they had rescued me and were all wonderful human beings, karma would surely reward them for their good deeds.

At this point, my friend came back with his beer and told me to get out of the chair.

"I can't" I whispered.

He repeated his order more forcefully that I vacate the chair. I pleaded with him that if he could just wait until these lads had left then he could have his chair back.

He wasn't having any of it, so he grabbed the handles and tipped me bodily out of the chair and onto the floor. The ground was a bit muddy so, forgetting myself, I leapt to my feet and jiggled around like Michael Flatley trying brush the mud and grass off. As I was doing this I looked up to see the group of heroes all scowling at me.

"Er....it's a miracle?" I ventured.
(Mon 16th Aug 2010, 13:23, More)

» School Days

Halfway through my first year at 6th form the school started putting up 'motivational' posters reminding us of the school rules, such as no chewing gum, etc. The most mocked poster I believe was one about uniform, where the school had obviously tried to be 'down with the kids' as it had a picture of a person in uniform with the slogan "Tuck in or tuck off!".

Anyway, we started replacing the posters with our own spoof posters. Every so often the staff would notice and would take our posters down. Obviously we would just make more. Eventually there were so many posters up and most of them fake that the school removed them all and put up a poster saying "NO POSTERS". It was only about 2 hours before another poster appeared next to it saying "NO IRONY".
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 14:03, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Many a year ago
I was walking to my office at the end of the corridor first thing in the morning and the plumber who I'd had a crush on for yonks was standing in the doorway of one of the offices as I went past. He leaned out and said hello as I walked past and in what I think with hindsight was a subconscious effort to be cool, I did that thing where you turn around and start walking backwards so you don't break your pace. I managed to get out a casual "hey" and what I hope was a winning smile before I dropped my MP3 player, the wires tangled themselves around their legs and I fell backwards through the door to my office, which swung shut gently behind me.
(Mon 25th Jan 2010, 13:34, More)

» Bizarre habits

There's a spiral staircase in my building and I live on the top floor
so by the time I've walked down to the bottom I'm really fucking dizzy. I like to counteract this by turning the opposite way in a circle when I get to the bottom. My boyfriend mocks me for this and my neighbours think I'm weird. I didn't stop doing it for those reasons though, I stopped because last time I did it, my shoulder bag swung around in a big circle and smacked me in the face.
(Tue 6th Jul 2010, 15:32, More)

» My most gullible moment

Gullible Sister
My sister is older than me but very naive and quite shy. Many a year ago we worked as waitresses together in a pub and she was writing the dessert menu on the chalkboard.

The chefs had made a different chocolate cake from the usual with fancy icing and stuff on it so she asked if it was called anything special. I told her it was an Italian Chocolate Treat with Fellatio Cream in the middle, knowing she'd check with the chefs who would rip her mercilessly for a few weeks as chefs are wont to do.

She told a table of twenty customers.

In retribution I had to then wait on the whole table by myself for the rest of the night because she refused to leave the kitchen, so uppance came, fear not.
(Thu 28th Aug 2008, 13:53, More)
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