b3ta.com user pharmatron
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» When Animals Attack

"Please don't poke the turtle"
More a combination of a grumpy animal and customer stupidity, but I thought I'd share.

I'm a fishkeeper and general fan of slightly more exotic pets (currently researching how to acquire an octopus)

As such, for several consecutive summer holidays I took a job in the Aquatics Department of a garden centre.

This aquatics department had (amongst other things) a large and extremely cantankerous snapping turtle who we'd acquired from someone who thought it was a terrapin until he neatly severed the last joint on her little finger.

Old Snappy used to like to wander a bit. He was deceptively strong and could lift the hood off his tank, but usually failed to haul his armoured ass over the side. Very occasionally you'd come in in the morning and he'd be sitting in the middle of the floor. Looking for stuff to maim, I assume.

On one memorable occasion I was opening up but had been beaten into the department by some cuntstomers. Cuntstomers who had found Snappy on one of his infrequent jaunts. Cuntstomers who had decided to poke and film Snappy with A FUCKING MOBILE PHONE.

Me: "Please step away from the turtle, sir"

Knob: "Why?"

Me: He's a snapping turtle. He's got a beak like a pair of bolt cutters and could happily shear your thumb off."

Knob: "Turtles can't hurt people and he's enjoying the attention" (WTF, it's a REPTILE, not a border collie for God's sake)
(To horrible children): "Look at the silly turtle!" *poke, poke*


Cue one utterly fucked mobile phone (straight through the screen. Good job, Snappy).

Cue one angry chav, and Snappy being gingerly returned home.

Cue one manager paying for replacement phone. And demanding bricks on top of Snappy's lid.

Snappy was eventually sold (after about 10 years in the shop) and now lives in a garage somewhere, I believe. Good old Snapster.

Apologies for length. Would have been shorter if Snappy had got hold of it properly....
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 18:32, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

First year in halls
Two sets of toilets, each with two traps.

About halfway through the year, a mysterious mutant leviathan pooh appeared in one of the crappers on the top floor.

A couple of girls occupied the rooms near that bathroom, and were the ones who usually used it (and one may have been the bomb dropper, who knows?)

On their discovery of said shite, they squealed and danced around for a bit (either in disgust or in honour of their new god). As is sensible in this situation, they didn't attempt to do anything about removing the beast.

It sat there for a fortnight. Festering...

The girls pinned a note on the cubicle door saying: "Caution: Bulldozer required".

This obviously snapped the will of the cleaners, who had also been avoiding the mammoth task.

They wrote underneath: "Pour a kettle of boiling water down and flush the fucking toilet!". Exact wording, too.

It vanished after that, so I guess it was boiled to it's stinky demise, but I like to think it escaped of it's own accord and is graduating in Business Management this summer...
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 18:48, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Two Spring to Mind
I've been to a few British towns in the last few years for various reasons. The two I never want to see again are:

It smells.
Every other building is a rancid kebab shop (possibly why it smells, I don't know).
Almost every time I've been I've seen fights. The very first time I went it was Tramps At War. They were fighting over a football. One claimed victory by chundering on it.

It smells.
Everyone has a mental handicap and apparently needs 5p for the phone.
For some reason, they pronounce 'cold' as 'code'. Possibly due to aforementioned mental handicaps.
They all aspire to move to Nottingham. See notes on mental handicap above.
Basically, I've become convinced that Derby is a massive day care centre of some sort.

Another honourable mention goes to Rotherham- Tango is not one of your five-a-day, you fat cunt!
(Sun 1st Nov 2009, 1:29, More)

» Pathological Liars

Ah, yes....
All these come from one source. I went to school with said source.

1) He was officially a commando (aged 14), and could legally kill anyone he pleased.

2) He worked at an RAF base and was allowed to sign out any weapons he liked, including a fucking MINIGUN and bring it to SCHOOL. He never did.

3) His 'band' supported Green Day 'before they were big'

4) One of his dad's mates took him flying in a Tornado (also borrowed from work).

5) Bill Gates personally employed him as a programmer. For about a week, then he got fired for 'economic reasons'. This was aged 13.

6) He was close personal friends with Rancid.

Length? He never gave an honest answer to that one.....
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 16:53, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

The only bodies I've seen
Have been brought in by cats.

My previous cat once murdered a weasel and left it on the patio. She sauntered in covered in weasel juice from head to toe.

Still, she made up for it by bringing a live mouse INTO the house the next week. He escaped justice for three days before we trapped him and released him far, far away.

She never brought in a human body, though. Not that we found, anyway. *checks behind sofa*
(Mon 3rd Mar 2008, 17:15, More)
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