b3ta.com user DeactivateThisDisaster
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» Siblings

Really don't remember this.
I used to poo in books and stick them together.

By the time my sister got to them, she'd struggle to open them, and then shite would fly out.
(Thu 25th Dec 2008, 18:34, More)

» The Credit Crunch

Credit Crunch? WHAT Credit Crunch?!

I was poor before it was cool.
(Sun 25th Jan 2009, 14:36, More)

» The Dark

The Dark And The Cat
Pets. Who would have them? They smell, bring in dead things and generally make your life mildly more aggravating.

So when you need to get up for a midnight wander and you sense something incredibly wrong do remind yourself that it is your own fault.

The number of times I've been attacked by a slinky, furry, monstrous black and white bastard is just ridiculous. Stand-out memories include

1. Having her launch at my shoulders from *somewhere* above.

2. Tripping over her prone body and wrecking my knee on the edge of a door.

3. Seeing the cat fast asleep in the cupboard I wandered silently and quickly to the kitchen and opened the fridge door to hear "Mrow?". To look downwards was to look upon the most pathetic face in the world. So when she hooked my ankle with her claws for not giving her some cold meat I just had to close my eyes and say "It's my fault."
(Thu 23rd Jul 2009, 17:21, More)

» Cringe!

It was a crisp December afternoon 3 years ago, when it happened.

You see, I was away out with my dad and sister, the idea being that if we helped him shop for our mum, we'd be taken for coffee galore.

Well, our mum loves her slippers, and where else do you get slippers but Marks and Spencers?

We've all heard the jokes - skidmarks already in the pants, blah blah.

I'm sad to say that as we were going up the escalator (travelator), my father was unfortunate to let rip. It was a tall escalator, and fairly heaving giving it was Crimbo time.

The index of identification of a good fart is (i'm sure you would all agree) the number of passers-by you can make dry heave.

Dad managed 7.

The smell, oh god, that smell.
*dies a little inside*

PS: We got to the car, and found out that he had in fact sharted. :(
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 10:53, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

I was already there half a year ago
Clydebank. It wasn't very nice.


Was walking home, and decided to go through our busy shopping centre.

From 100 metres away I saw an old granny figure go half-way up an escalator and then falling backwards.

I wondered why she hadn't begun to ride back up the steps at about 50 metres.

At 20 metres I saw why:- her hair had become stuck in the handrail and was tugging at her.

At 10 metres I noticed her old lady hand was broken in quite a spectacular way, as was compounded by her terrified old lady shrieks.

At 3 metres I walked around, and used the stairs instead.

At no point throughout this did anyone press the stop button.

Throughout the entirety of this I had a repressed smile on my face and a titter laugh under my breath.

I really can be such an evil big sod.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 14:06, More)
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