b3ta.com user Veni Vidi Lurki
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'lo all

Been passing b3ta like a ship in the proverbial for a while now. Then I Stumbled upon QOTW about graffiti & been regular as a Branflakes eating champ ever since. Thought it was about time I joined...

Can't draw, can't sing either but b3ta appeals to my warped sense of humour

/questions is like being down the pub listening to your mates rant & tell funny stories...


Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Hypocrisy

Ethical South American Produce
Conversation with hippy house-mate way back when:-

"I'm just off to the shop to get some coffee"

"Don't get Nescafe man, get the 'Fare Trade' stuff. Nescafe exploit the workers man & destroy the environment!"

"Oh, yeah... Like the ethically produced cocaine you were hoovering up at that party last night?"

"Umm... OK, point taken..."
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 23:04, More)

» Hypocrisy

Snivelling Health & Safety Tosser...

Below is an email dredged from my 'Sent items'

I had what could be described as 'the right arse' with an email I was forwarded. Thought I'd forward it to various former colleagues to see what they thought...

My edits are marked in (brackets)...


From: (Veni Vidi Lurki)
To: (Various former colleagues)
Subject: FW: Helpdesk Procedures?

Dear All,

I wonder if you can help answer the question posed below.

One of our over–worked stalwarts took time off from cracking-one-off over pictures of livestock to raise the following point regarding my modus operandi today

I would be interested in your professional opinion of the Risk Assessment discussed in this communication:-


Subject: Helpdesk Procedures?
Importance: High


Not sure if you are the right person to ask this of? Please forward it to the appropriate manager if not.

This morning we had someone (who I think is called (Veni Vidi Lurki)?) come round to (SNIP) to look at her desktop PC. He recommended that it needed more memory and to tell her how much to buy he had to open the PC case.

As H&S adviser I am very concerned that he did not turn off the PC at the mains nor disconnect it before opening the case.

(Not enough to come running over shouting “NNNNNNNNooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!” though, or even mentioning it at the time… Which surely constitutes negligence???)

I assume that however carefully one opens the box, there is a risk of dropping the metal casing or touching it onto the electrical parts inside and if the chassis is live there is a real possibility of electric shock to him or his customer.

Please would you confirm whether there is a Risk Assessment in place for this operation, if not I consider and recommend that there should be, and that all your 'troubleshooters' should be aware of it.


European (Important stuff) Manager
+44 (0) **** ** ****


My Risk Assessment of opening the case & looking inside with the power on is in the same league as going to the zoo & looking at the caged lions without taking the precaution of getting the zookeeper to shoot them with tranquilliser darts beforehand

I am however interested in your views...


/email ends
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 22:15, More)

» Cheap Tat

Chinese Cut-throat "Safety" Razor
I spent 6 weeks trying to keep a sense of humour in China (land of the public dump). It was time to buy a new razor...

Now, bear in mind the reputation the phrase 'Made in China' has, then factor in that the stuff they export is actually of rather higher standard than the crap they produce for the home market. Presumably due to utter lack of safety standards. (Think American TV works on the same principle)

So, bought razor, went & lathered up & was about to drag it across my face. Did a double-take as I noticed the blade stuck out from the safety-guard-bits by about 2mm. Still puts my teeth on edge to think about it, think in terms of using a woodwork plane on a piece of pine wood... *cringes*

/length? Looked like Gerry Adams after a while...
(Sat 5th Jan 2008, 15:19, More)

» Shoplifting

James & the Giant Beer Trophy
Long old time ago, was returning from newly opened vodka bar in Manchester with suitably shit-faced mates... Looking out of the window of the bus as we passed the Withington flea-pit cinema, we saw a giant inflatable peach moored on the roof to promote (you guessed it) James & the Giant Peach. (1996 according to imdb.com)

After a drunken discussion about what a superb beer-trophy that would be, we got of at the next stop & piled into a kebab emporium for our staple sweaty lamb meat with weapons-grade chilli sauce

Suddenly we realized we were missing someone. A certain mad Geordie fella with an amazing ability to fall asleep anywhere when he'd had a few... We set off to find him, expecting to find him asleep sat on a doorstep, kebab in hand (again). Suddenly he comes running down the street shouting 'Av done it! Av fkn done it!', 'Done what?','Av nicked the fkn Giant Peach man!!!'

Mad pissed nutter had scaled a drainpipe, burned through the cords holding it in place with a fag lighter, chucked it off the roof & hidden it in a stairwell round the side. We nonchalantly stood around in front of it finishing our scran before running with it up Wilmslow Rd to Fog Lane Park for the funniest & most surreal game of vodka-fuelled Giant-Peach football you could imagine! Eventually it punctured & someone folded it up & took it home & we retired for spliffs & bed...

/length? Running about half mile up Wilmslow Rd bouncing an obviously nicked 5 foot tall Peach without getting caught by cops was damn lucky...
(Thu 17th Jan 2008, 0:05, More)