b3ta.com user Omnizor
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» Guilty Laughs

Being a naval reservist, I often hang out with the pride of HM's Navy
one of whom, Dicky (for that was his name), was possibly the worst person I have ever come across. He was a Chief Petty Officer stoker, or engineery type senior rating. Now, those of you familiar with the fair city of Portsmouth will be well aware that among the civilian population thereof, us Navy chaps are none too popular.

This was gloriously demonstrated a couple of years ago when, on a run ashore to the pub after a deployment a man in a wheelchair started hurling abuse at us, and just wouldn't stop.

Dicky, being a big chap and somewhat aggressive to boot, tired of this after about an hour. He invited the wheelchair man to roll outside with him, and, since I was nominally in charge of him, I hurried out to make sure there wasn't a death.

No death. Instead, our hero lifted the wheelchair man bodily out of his contraption and put him in a skip. Then he threw the wheelchair into the sea. I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my entire life.
(Thu 22nd Jul 2010, 19:58, More)

» Prejudice

I have a particular hang-up
about gentlemen's dress sense. I don't even want to get into a discussion about chavs/hoodies/gangstas/people of the lower orders, as my loathing of them may be taken as a given. No, what really upsets me is when chaps attempt to dress correctly but just cannot seem to get the grip of the product of a million years of fashion evolution. Here follows a list of the worst crimes:

A shirt that is darker in colour than one's tie, particularly if that colour is purple or black.

A suit worn with trainers.

Unpolished shoes.

Shiny suits. Good God man, don't you realise M&S do perfectly serviceable suits for £100?

Tie knots the size of a fist. It doesn't make you look big or cool. In fact rather the opposite - you look like an estate agent or a footballer. Take your pick.

A dinner suit at a wedding. Ever. Even if you have the great misfortune to be in the United Colonies of America.

Come on you fellows - it's not that difficult to look smart as if you actually mean it. Let's not let down the male sex, alright?

(Sat 3rd Apr 2010, 12:43, More)

» Bad Management

I worked in a café in Camden
Called Tupelo Honey. As a student, I showed up needing a bit of extra oof, and looking to line my pockets fairly easily. All great, except I have never seen such dangerous lack of professionalism.

The boss/owner/manager is an absolute witch (grease-matted, raven hair and everything) who was essentially the cook. However, all she cooked was left to cool, then reheated in a microwave, and priced at between seven and twelve pounds. Scrummy.

Among her various crimes, the Bitch-in-Chief would regularly shout at the floor staff for minor or even non-existent transgressions, including once in my case a millimetre too little foam on a cappuccino in front of customers. Even good ideas were stamped on. I once approached her with a cleaning roster I had done (in my own time) to improve cleanliness and efficiency, and the conversation, carried out in front of customers, went like this:

Me: "Kate, I've drawn up this cleaning roster to make the cleaning routines more effective and efficient. Here's a copy for you, and one to go on the staff pin-board."

Her, screwing up my beautiful printouts and throwing them away: "Why did you do that? I haven't fucking got time to go through all this!"

Me: "Quite so. That's why I did. Had you read them, you would have noticed it's all been done. Shall I print out some more?"

Her: "No. Fuck off. Any more cheek like that and it'll be your last shift here. Fucking students..."

Just to iterate, the name of this abominable establishment is Tupelo Honey, Parkway, Camden NW1. Let that serve as a warning to you.
(Thu 10th Jun 2010, 12:11, More)

» Workplace Boredom

Sounds lame but...
I do all the puzzles in the Times, starting with the Sudoku, and ending with the cryptic crossword.

Gosh. Only now do I realise how truly rubbish I am.
(Thu 8th Jan 2009, 20:32, More)

» Racist grandparents

A good friend of mine once had quite a racist idea...
About four years ago, when deployed in the northeast Altantic, I was sitting at breakfast in the wardroom with a good pal of mine who is a Marine Engineering officer, and as such, one of the worst men I am ever likely to meet. He came up with with the concept of "morning racism", which was enacted over breakfast, and was intended to get all of your offensiveness out of the way for the day in a non-confrontational environment. Since everyone in the armed forces is a bit of a cunt anyway, I thought this was quite a good wheeze.
(Fri 28th Oct 2011, 2:59, More)
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