b3ta.com user Mousy Tongue
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» Expensive Mistakes

Software house breaches Council Race policies...
I used to work for a software house which made bespoke systems for councils - these were nice little earners - 25-75k/year, so we would work hard at getting everything *just so* for that all important first sales pitch in front of the great and the good of the council.

So we are all set up and ready to demo to a large council. The system is hooked up to a Barco so is in glorious Gianto-Vision on a screen, very important so that everyone can read all the words. The first of the dummy records is called up, and an audible gasp comes from the audience.

It would appear that our rather unreconstituted Directory of Marketing has decided to key some test data into the system, so the first person in the database would appear to be:-

"Mr Zippah De Doo Dah"
10, Am Dat Wate'melon Street"
Darkie Town"

...he'd been busy because the next few were, shall we say, similar. Oddly, we didn't get the contract.
(Sat 27th Oct 2007, 12:52, More)

» What was I thinking?

My dear, soon to be ex,
wife wanted an extra 30 minutes in bed one morning. Unable to fathom the alarm clock, she put the nearby microwave on, empty, for the alloted time. Unsurprisingly, it blew up, taking the house fuses with it.
(Wed 29th Sep 2010, 4:37, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

The first nudity I saw...
...on the night of my honeymoon was not that of my comely new wife, but her brother - cock tucked between legs, running up the corridor of the hotel screaming "Crying Game! Crying Game!"
(Mon 1st Jun 2009, 5:01, More)

» Narrow Escapes

Two from me...
...The first being some 30 years before my birth - Grandad, prior to the conception of my dad, was getting on the troop truck ready to ship out, but slipped and broke his leg. His destination was Norway, where all his lorry-mates were minced or captured.

Zooming forward, the location is Swildons Hole, a cave in the Mendips. It's tremendous fun, especially when the water is running a bit high as it was at this particular time. There's a route called the round-trip, which involves negotiating a series of ducks (a low muddy passage, mostly filled with water) and a small sump (a completely submerged passage, which has a rope leading through it. Deep breath, pull rope, out pop).

We decided to do it in reverse, and as the water was higher than usual, we found that all the ducks had become sumps, ie no airspace. They are quite tight and the third one has a hairpin bend in it, so it's not something you can do on a single breath. So we bailed it until there appeared to be a couple of inches of airspace and I volunteered to go first. So I'm on my back in the pool, helmet off and pushed in front, rather like I'm frozen in mid-backstroke. In many respects ducks are worse than sumps, especially if you are claustrophobic - you are supine in a tight, rough tube, 19/20ths of your body under water, with just your eyes and nose peeking out.

On this occasion, we'd bailed so little that my nose was brushing the passage roof, and any ripples caused by too vigorous movements would submerge my eyes. Still, deep breath, take it steady and slow. I got to the hair pin bend and felt my way around it (this is all in pitch black, of course - the light on the helmet being pushed in front of me). Half way around, the roof of the passage dipped enough to deny the already meagre airspace. I unwittingly pushed into it, and was suddenly completely submerged in the cold, muddy water. Instinctively I tried to sit up, but with my face already touching the ceiling, there was nowhere to go, so I just mashed my face into the rock, causing me to yelp, lose my lungful of air, and panic badly. I should have just pushed on through - five more feet and I'd have been in open passage again - lizard brain told me to reverse out. But I'm stuck on the bend - my large battery on my belt is caught on the wall, and I'm going to drown in 10 inches of water, which is a stupid way to die.

Thrashing, I free the battery and wriggle desperately, my body keeps trying to sit up - it's really not helping. Flailing legs gain some purchase and I drag/push myself back the way I've just come. I can feel a pull on my boot - my buddies have realised there's a problem, and as soon as my feet are visible, reached in. I'm pulled free, puking and sobbing with fright.

Bailing the duck has filled the preceding ducks, so turning back is not practical, and if I think about it, I'm going to panic big time. So straight back in. This time, there's airspace all the way through - my thrashing had shifted enough water, and I'm through.
(Sat 21st Aug 2010, 19:46, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Perhaps the second time I played golf...
...which would make it my penultimate game, as it's a bit silly. My mate took a terrible stab at driving, his ball careening away some 60 degrees off target. He trudged off in its general direction.

Who would have thought I could hit an identical shot? My slice skimmed three feet above the ground a good 50 yards, power without direction, and hit him smack in the arse.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 6:04, More)
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