b3ta.com user bentalls
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I have lurked here for a long time, so I guess it's only fair I do this bit!
I am a security officer, shop monkey, and student - all wrapped up in the body of a 38 year old lesbian... What else do you need to know??
Oh ok, fluffeh stuff... I have a springer spaniel, Mr Frodo, who is rather like having a child with ADHD. Completely bonkers

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Best answers to questions:

» Karma

Natural justice and karma, rolled into one
A few years ago, before I came to my senses, I used to be a prison officer in one of London's finest holiday camps. We had a prisoner who was the whingiest, whiniest, most horrible waste of space on the wing; he was also a prolific self-harmer and constant pain in the ass - an all round bad egg.
As is the case in the penal system, this cretin received a letter informing him he was being released early. On New Year's Eve, of all dates... So he proceeded to brag and boast to all and sundry about how he would be living it up etc while they were all behind bars.
He went out as he had stated, on the lash, and got run over and killed.
By a police car.

Now THAT'S karma
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 18:02, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Nice pear?
Not long after I had joined the prison service, I was given the job of handing out the fruit to the prisoners at dinner time. The fruit of the day was the humble pear...
As the new inmate wandered over, I looked him cheerfully in the eye, with said pear in my hands, and said the immortal line "Nice pear?"
He looked straight at my norkage, and said "Yeah, not bad Miss" and wandered off.

It took about 40 minutes for my blush to subside...
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 19:49, More)

» When Animals Attack

Death of a fluffy duckling
I took my 2 springer spaniels out for a walk yesterday morning, after my nightshift. It was a lovely morning, and they were merrily bounding through the undergrowth, doing their little springy thing, and splashing about in the river. How delightful, I thought to myself, feeling all happy and joyful, watching my boys having fun...
Then, intruding violently into my daydream, a harsh and panic-striken quacking. Yep, Frodo (the puppy) had discovered - and was being attacked by - a female duck. Now, this was unusual, because normally the ducks fuck off at a great rate of knots when Frodo catapults himself into the river. Imagine my horror when I realised she had her babies with her...
Cute, fluffy, cheeping little chicks. Innocently enjoying a swim with Mum. Then Frodo's jaws of doom.

He got 2 of them.

The cunt
(Sun 27th Apr 2008, 1:01, More)

» Siblings

We love each other, really...don't we??
My big brother is 4 and a half years older than me (and about a foot taller, but I digress...)
When he was what he considered to be a cool teen, the best thing in the world ever was having his little sister tag along everywhere, right? That must be why he insisted in including me in all the fun stuff him and his mates used to do - like playing football. Naturally, there were never enough sweaters to use as goalposts, so what else could he use? Oh yeah...me.
His favourite trick ever though, was to rugby tackle me. At the top of the stairs.

Thanks bro! I can hold you partly responsible for me being puddled to fuck...All those bangs to the head must be taking their toll!

He is now 41, and a responsible (*snort*) married father of 5

(I can still put him on his ass though, thank you C&R training!)
(Sat 3rd Jan 2009, 11:42, More)

» Insults

One of my dad's favourites... May your next shit be a hedgehog!

And, for particularly ugly specimens, 'hippocrocodogopig'!

(Wed 10th Oct 2007, 8:19, More)
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