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» Evil Pranks
Once upon a time in Cambodia...
After a tour of South East Asia, our final leg was approaching. Three weeks of 24/7 Beer Lao and cramped buses were coming to an end. This was to be it. We had one more night in Cambodia and then it was off to Bangkok to catch a flight home. We did what all sensible boys do when on tour and decided that the most responsible way to spend our last night was to get absolutely twatted.
We found a nice (relatively) bar away from the main tourist area and proceeded to get the drinks in. The beer flowed. The spirits flowed. The fortified wines flowed. There may have even been a crème de menthe consumed at one point. That should tell you what kind of night it was.
Anyway. At about 4:30am my two esteemed drinking buddies decided that enough was enough and that it was time to hit the hay. I was in a deep political discussion about the state of the EU and it's future goals with a French lass (who looked alright from straight on but the nose was a length joke in itself). The boys decided that I was obviously "in there!" and that they would leave me to it... so off they slunk.
I carried on the discussion with the French girl until it became obvious even to me that I wasn't "in" and even if I was I'd be no use anyway. What I didn't realise is that the other two had disappeared without paying their share of the bill. Now, this wasn't the Kensington Royal club or anything like it, but it still added up to about £100. No problem. Out comes the credit card.
That wasn't the evil prank. The evil prank then came when I decided that a little revenge was in order.
Our bus left at 8something. So when I got back to the hostel I figured that the best way to hurt two suffering drunkards would be to sneak in in the dark, hide all the clocks and then scream blue murder. I ran around the room like the proverbial headless chicken shouting that it was 7:55 and that we had about 10 minutes to get our stuff together and get downstairs for the bus.
If you've never done this to your friends I can highly recommend it for personal amusement. They JUMPED out of bed, grabbed all the clothes, rice picker hats, flip-flops and other crap that they could lay their hands on, stuffed it all in their bags and legged it down the stairs. We ran out into the road just in time to see the 7 something bus pulling out on our journey. Glen, with a massive backpack, proceeds to chase the bus about 200yards down the road flapping his arms like a spastic-windmill competition entrant until the driver spots him and pulls over. The driver then tells Glen that he's a "fucking penis" and to "stop wasting his time!" as his ticket is not for this bus but the next one. At this point I just have to laugh. I may have laughed so hard a little pee came out. ahhh... the joy.
I guess it's not as evil as gluing anyone's eyes shut but if you'd asked Glen or Paul at the time, they would have told you I was the devil incarnate.
Length: all length with no real substance. Sorry.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 14:51, More)
Once upon a time in Cambodia...
After a tour of South East Asia, our final leg was approaching. Three weeks of 24/7 Beer Lao and cramped buses were coming to an end. This was to be it. We had one more night in Cambodia and then it was off to Bangkok to catch a flight home. We did what all sensible boys do when on tour and decided that the most responsible way to spend our last night was to get absolutely twatted.
We found a nice (relatively) bar away from the main tourist area and proceeded to get the drinks in. The beer flowed. The spirits flowed. The fortified wines flowed. There may have even been a crème de menthe consumed at one point. That should tell you what kind of night it was.
Anyway. At about 4:30am my two esteemed drinking buddies decided that enough was enough and that it was time to hit the hay. I was in a deep political discussion about the state of the EU and it's future goals with a French lass (who looked alright from straight on but the nose was a length joke in itself). The boys decided that I was obviously "in there!" and that they would leave me to it... so off they slunk.
I carried on the discussion with the French girl until it became obvious even to me that I wasn't "in" and even if I was I'd be no use anyway. What I didn't realise is that the other two had disappeared without paying their share of the bill. Now, this wasn't the Kensington Royal club or anything like it, but it still added up to about £100. No problem. Out comes the credit card.
That wasn't the evil prank. The evil prank then came when I decided that a little revenge was in order.
Our bus left at 8something. So when I got back to the hostel I figured that the best way to hurt two suffering drunkards would be to sneak in in the dark, hide all the clocks and then scream blue murder. I ran around the room like the proverbial headless chicken shouting that it was 7:55 and that we had about 10 minutes to get our stuff together and get downstairs for the bus.
If you've never done this to your friends I can highly recommend it for personal amusement. They JUMPED out of bed, grabbed all the clothes, rice picker hats, flip-flops and other crap that they could lay their hands on, stuffed it all in their bags and legged it down the stairs. We ran out into the road just in time to see the 7 something bus pulling out on our journey. Glen, with a massive backpack, proceeds to chase the bus about 200yards down the road flapping his arms like a spastic-windmill competition entrant until the driver spots him and pulls over. The driver then tells Glen that he's a "fucking penis" and to "stop wasting his time!" as his ticket is not for this bus but the next one. At this point I just have to laugh. I may have laughed so hard a little pee came out. ahhh... the joy.
I guess it's not as evil as gluing anyone's eyes shut but if you'd asked Glen or Paul at the time, they would have told you I was the devil incarnate.
Length: all length with no real substance. Sorry.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 14:51, More)
» My sex misconceptions
Lies about sexy time...
When I was young, I was lead to believe that women liked to be laid down on beds of roses and gently made love to...
Not so..
No.
Now I am older I realise that women are just as dirty as men and like nothing better than to be treated like pr0n stars or super-cars: shagged rotten at speeds that cause steam rise from their special places and generally ragged, twisted, hammered and to(u)nged to the limit of their powers.
It was a happy, happy day when I made this discovery but if only someone had told me before I got fat and unhealthy so I could have made better use of the knowledge!
(Sat 27th Sep 2008, 9:42, More)
Lies about sexy time...
When I was young, I was lead to believe that women liked to be laid down on beds of roses and gently made love to...
Not so..
No.
Now I am older I realise that women are just as dirty as men and like nothing better than to be treated like pr0n stars or super-cars: shagged rotten at speeds that cause steam rise from their special places and generally ragged, twisted, hammered and to(u)nged to the limit of their powers.
It was a happy, happy day when I made this discovery but if only someone had told me before I got fat and unhealthy so I could have made better use of the knowledge!
(Sat 27th Sep 2008, 9:42, More)
» This book changed my life
A Short History of Nearly Everything
When I was at school I was forced to read an extract of a Bill Bryson book about his travels in England. Being young, and a bit thick, I thought he was having a go and I wondered to myself "who is this Yank who thinks he can say such horrible things about my lovely country?!" As I got a bit older though, I found out that he lived in England for 15 years or so, and that Barnstaple actually is a one-horse dump. Now, I love his travel writing but A Short History of Nearly Everything is a step above.
Every secondary school student should be forced to read this. It changed my life in that it made me want to read more factual stuff and less fiction. It`s simple and compelling and teaches you all kinds of weird and wonderful things whilst making learning fun. It`s full of little anecdotes about the fine lines between genius and insanity and makes you want to spend the rest of your life wandering around Africa or Australia discovering weird and wonderful things.
Love it, love it, love it.
(Fri 16th May 2008, 5:32, More)
A Short History of Nearly Everything
When I was at school I was forced to read an extract of a Bill Bryson book about his travels in England. Being young, and a bit thick, I thought he was having a go and I wondered to myself "who is this Yank who thinks he can say such horrible things about my lovely country?!" As I got a bit older though, I found out that he lived in England for 15 years or so, and that Barnstaple actually is a one-horse dump. Now, I love his travel writing but A Short History of Nearly Everything is a step above.
Every secondary school student should be forced to read this. It changed my life in that it made me want to read more factual stuff and less fiction. It`s simple and compelling and teaches you all kinds of weird and wonderful things whilst making learning fun. It`s full of little anecdotes about the fine lines between genius and insanity and makes you want to spend the rest of your life wandering around Africa or Australia discovering weird and wonderful things.
Love it, love it, love it.
(Fri 16th May 2008, 5:32, More)
» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You
Well...
I've got to agree with whoever said "get a girlfriend, it makes you more attractive". I've got a girlfriend that I don't really like, and who doesn't like me. We've been together for about a month (I see white dresses etc on the horizon) and was offered sex (for free - which makes this kind of off topic) tonight by a VERY attractive blonde girl from New Zealand who I've liked for ages. I told her that I had to go home as I have to teach some little old ladies English in the morning. I am now drinking my sorrows away and contemplating how much of a total twunt I am. :( The unfortunate thing is that hot blonde girl's ex is moving back here on Wednesday after which she "won't be able to hang out, if you know what I mean?"
Twunt, twunt, twunt!
Length? I guess she'll never know.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 17:37, More)
Well...
I've got to agree with whoever said "get a girlfriend, it makes you more attractive". I've got a girlfriend that I don't really like, and who doesn't like me. We've been together for about a month (I see white dresses etc on the horizon) and was offered sex (for free - which makes this kind of off topic) tonight by a VERY attractive blonde girl from New Zealand who I've liked for ages. I told her that I had to go home as I have to teach some little old ladies English in the morning. I am now drinking my sorrows away and contemplating how much of a total twunt I am. :( The unfortunate thing is that hot blonde girl's ex is moving back here on Wednesday after which she "won't be able to hang out, if you know what I mean?"
Twunt, twunt, twunt!
Length? I guess she'll never know.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 17:37, More)