» Sticking it to The Man

Bluff comes up trumps
I once worked as a Duty Manager at a large pub and function centre in the North East. During a very slow winter the owner decided to give his gardener and brother the job of repainting all of the function room windows. This they did on a really windy day and in the process managed to splatter my car (which they hadn't bothered to ask me to move) with loads of spots of paint.

I of course was rather unimpressed. I complained to the general manager who promised to get it sorted out. It turned out that getting it "sorted out" (again without consulting me first) involved the same two fuckwits removing the paint with turps and brillo pads! I'm sure i don't need to go into detail about what a mess this made of my beloved motors' paintwork.

This time i went insane and demanded the area manager get involved, he apologised profusely and asked me to get some quotes from body shops to get it sorted. This i did, i found the five best paint shops in the area and got a quote from each one, passed them on to the area manager and was promised that, "i will speak to the owner and get back to you soon".

Nine months later nothing had happened, every time I asked about it I was fobbed off.

I decided to contact my union and after explaining what had happened they told me that as it had gone on for so long there was nothing I could do about it and to just put it down to experience. As I had recently handed in my notice I decided to take a chance on a massive bluff. I wrote to the area manager saying that I felt he had taken an “ignore it long enough and the problem will go away” stance and that if the paintwork wasn’t sorted before I left the company that “I will have no option other than to follow the advice given to me by my union”.

The bluff worked, a week later the car was in the best body shop in Hull getting a full respray with the added bonus that the damage done to my car by some twat in the car park at the Glastonbury Festival also got fixed!
(Fri 18th Jun 2010, 20:29, More)

» Accidental innuendo

It came out my nose!
My gran was visiting so that she could watch the football on Sky. Three of my mates were round also and although numerous cans of falling over water had been consumed, everyone was on their best behaviour. In wandered my two cats and knowing a soft touch for a stroke when they saw one both made a beeline for my Gran's lap. I'm sure everyone can imagine the resulting fountains of spray as four blokes all choked on their mouth fulls of beer when my gran uttered the imortal line "i've got two pussys"! It was nine years ago and i still snigger about it to this day!

Lengh? Be gentle it's my first time
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 23:10, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Nothing came out.
My mates and I used to have a tradition on a Christmas Eve. We would meet up in a cafe near the local train station, eat a big fry up to line our stomachs then jump onto a train into Hull, normally getting there by 11am to begin a festive drinking epic.

As taxis back to our home village were massively expensive we would catch the last train back and get into the nearest pub to the station in time for last orders. At kicking out time we would then walk the three miles from the train station to our home village.

The walk in the cold had an excellent sobering effect and for the year in question by the time I had said farewell to the last of my mates to walk past the church to my home I was pretty much sobered up and feeling fine. As I walked past the church I noticed that the midnight mass (or whatever the equivalent that they have in that C of E happy clappy place) was finishing. People were coming out and amongst them were my Grandmother’s neighbours who spotted me on the other side of the road and called hello.

As I opened my mouth to reply a moth or something flew into my mouth and down my throat which led to an immense coughing and choking fit (you know what its like, even though it’s probably gone it feels like it’s still there) which led to me ended up with me bent double leaning on a nearby wall for support barely able to breath.

When I finally regained my composure and turned around I was confronted with the entire aging god bother population of my village staring at me in disgust, tutting and calling me a “disgrace”. My explanations fell on deaf ears and the tale of my none existent vomit was all over the village by Boxing Day.
(Tue 12th Jan 2010, 18:33, More)

» Get Rich Quick

Glad my brother isn't a member!
I used the ever continueing war between my brother and step mother to my financial advantage. I would steal the porn mags from under my brother's bed and sell them for a handy profit at school. My brother, convinced that my step mother was throwing the mags away would always buy more "out of principle"!

The cash from this was then ploughed into my other lucrative sideline: I would buy cheap transformers (the electrical kind) that you used on train sets/scalectrix etc, then attach them to a rotating beacon aquired by climbing over the fence of the local tractor/digger factory and stealing them off the roof of completed diggers. Hey presto! Your own bedroom disco lighting! At £15 a time i did rather well out of the whole thing (this was the mid eighties). In fact, it wasn't until i left school and got a job that i became skint!

Lengh? They wern't that kind of magazine..
(Fri 1st Aug 2008, 18:04, More)