» I witnessed a crime

making a hash of a robbery.....
Amsterdam. Well somewhere outside Amsterdam, no real clue where. After a hefty day dancing in the Dutch sun at Dance Valley (a rather insane techno festival populated with rather insane, drugged-up techno fans from across Europe) back in 1997.

To get there seemed to involve a train and several buses. Now in the morning this is fine, but after a long, hot, drug-addled day, one's capacity for rational, coherent thought is somewhat diminished.

So there we found ourselves in the Dutch countryside in the middle of the night with pockets- and heads full of drugs trying to figure out which is the right mode of transport to take us back into sweet 'damnation.

I was approached by a guy of Moroccan origin and pressed to buy some hash from him. For ridiculous prices. I laughed and reminded him that it was actually for sale in a number of venues across the city. Further I had a stash already.

He proceeded to pull out the most pathetic looking knife i had ever seen and again told me to buy his hash. My laughter seemed to further agrivate him and he then demanded my wallet and drugs.

By this point it was no good; i had the giggles and just couldn't take him seriously. My mate's girlfriend appeared, and seeing I was in no state to do anything, promtly told him where to stick his hash.

It was only after he had scuttled away into the crowd that i fully realised i had just mocked a knife wielding thug with a head full of drugs.

Earlier that day we had attempted to deposit our bags in the lockers in Central Station to collect later. I had flung open the door on one sizeable locker only to be greeeted by a woman smoking crack, mid-drag. She looked up with lighter in hand. In true British style I smiled, apologised for disturbing her and closed the door.

Amsterdam; ya gotta love it...
(Sun 17th Feb 2008, 14:42, More)

» Shoplifting

a lesson in English
I think I shoplifted for the first time when i was maybe 12. I was raised to know the difference between right and wrong, but that wasn't what had kept me on the straight and narrow.

No, it was my weak grasp of the English language; confusing 'prosecution' with 'execution' in the 'thieves will be prosecuted' sign that adornes most shop walls. The thought of having my head removed for stealing a Mars bar was just too much.

After crawling up the education system and learning the true meaning of the word a demon was released.

A good friend and I made our cash by taking 'orders' from our school friends and emptying the local shops of anything and everything for cash to pay for our filthy little cigarettes and cheap cider.

Perhaps our brashest ploy (and performed on a near daily basis) was to walk into our local supermarket with empty carrier bags, fill them up and casually stroll out. How we never got caught I just don't know.

We used to go the local Esso with our folk's Tiger Vouchers to exchange for some cheap tat, while the attendant was in the back retrieving said key-ring we leaned over and grabbed as many packs of fags as our grubby little mitts would allow.

My God, this confessional list could go on quite extensively. It seems that I was quite the thieving little b3tard in my youth, but let it be known that I no longer act on my five-finger discount impulses. I have learnt the error of my ways having been on the receiving end.

Stupidest thing ever stolen = zimmer frame (there was no old person attached at the time; I'm not a monster....)
(Fri 11th Jan 2008, 14:12, More)