b3ta.com user donkiddick
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» Midlife Crisis

Crisis? What crisis?
Things I have noticed now that I've passed 40...

I have tinnitus.
I make groaning noises when I get up from a seat, or out of my bed, or out of a car after short journeys as well as long, and it takes me a couple of minutes to walk without a limp.
My dad turned 70, and for the first time I thought "Blimey, he's proper old now".
I feel comfortable wearing a suit jacket with jeans.
I can't go to a trendy hair stylist in Soho any more.
I'll still go to a cocktail bar when the pubs shut, but I won't go to a nightclub and dance.
I don't want to make any more new friends - I have enough now.
My married-with-kids friends use me to escape their humdrum lives by always finding excuses for me not to visit them in their family situation, and the blokes have to build up brownie points to come out on the lash and always want to stay over.
I sometimes avoid bustling trendy bars because they're too busy or noisy or it'll take too long to get a drink, so instead I go to dingy boozers full of old men where I know I can get a seat.
People in their early twenties look really young. I mean really, really young - like they're young teenagers. I also refer to them as "kids".
I don't have FOMO (fear of missing out) any more - I don't look with envy at people queuing up outside nightclubs, or drunkenly trying to pull each other in bars. I say things like "It's their time now..." to myself in my head.

And, do you remember in almost every decent nightspot there's an old geezer leaning up against the bar who looks like he doesn't belong and that he's only there to perve at the young girls? I've come to realise that's now me...

...but even with all of that, I don't feel as old as I thought I would. I still act as though I'm still in my late-twenties/early-thirties.
(Fri 3rd May 2013, 16:08, More)

» Getting other people into trouble

With friends like that...
The old classic, passing pervy notes around at the back of class during an afternoon maths lesson in high school. Six of us were involved, all sniggering, all joining in and no one objecting, though muggins here was the one who got caught trying to dispose of the note as I had done most of the writing. So there we all are, hauled before the head of year, heads bowed, feeling ashamed, those terrible words ringing in our ears 'disappointed', 'adolescent behaviour' (you all know the ones, you've all heard them before)...
...anyway, I was called back in to the head of year's office the next day for a chat. Apparently my five 'closest' mates had all sneaked back after the end of that school day and blamed it all on me. "I just thought you ought to know what your 'friends' are like." she said. "I know all of you were involved." The fuckers.
(Fri 19th Oct 2012, 15:14, More)

» Good Advice

Shit happens...
...deal with it.
(Sat 22nd May 2010, 7:49, More)

» That's me on TV!

it seemed like a good idea at the time
I once appeared on "The Joan Rivers Position" where Joan had an "agony aunt" chat-show late-night on Channel Five. It was like a poorer version of Graham Norton's old show on Channel 4 (and by the same production company), but where Joan 'helped' people with their personal problems.

My role was as one of those people who stood up to be interviewed by Joan as she wandered up in to the audience with a mic. My introductory line, that they 'suggested' I use in order to quickly sum up my 'problem' which I had 'written to Joan for help with', was "my bachelor lifestyle is bleeding me dry" (which, to be fair, is pretty true).

The whole thing was made entirely embarrassing by my fellow audience contributors: man whose ex-girlfriend still uses him for S&M, women who works in plastic surgeon's office and wants advice on staying young from Joan - duh!, and women who is afraid of leeks (yes, the vegetables - and believe me she was either an awesome actor, or bloody petrified).

The things you agree to after a 10 pint drinking session, eh? Shame I had the guts to go through with it; but thank f*ck no-one watched it.
(Tue 16th Jun 2009, 12:13, More)