» Kids

At the Checkout
I'm queuing to pay for my shopping in Asda and this stressed chav mother is in front of me with her terror of a lad. He's about 4 or 5 and he looks at me for some reason. As I catch his eye, I glare and stick my tongue out. The kid pulls a right angry face back, and the mother notices, tells him to stop and apologises to me. As the mother turns back, I laugh at him, stick my tongue out again, and he responds with a middle finger. The mother again notices, stops packing her shopping, turns to the kid, whips his pants down and absolutely BELTS him on his arse. Kid starts crying and rubbing his sore backside as the mother again sincerely apologises for her kid being such a bastard!!
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 14:30, More)

» That's me on TV!

The Mint
Kat Shoob. Midnight goddess to many students but a few years ago. Shoddy ambiguous questions and nutters who ring up with shoddier answers; it could only be ITV gameshow The Mint.

After a devestating night out on the town, with much alcohol consumed, I'm back in my room (having not pulled a bird) at 2am with not much to do. My friend, Ash, is in the other room (having pulled a bird) having his usual "get to know each other" chat, with the plan to have her moist within the hour.

Fuck this, I thought. He's not getting his large penis away while I sit here on the bed with a glass to the wall, hoping to catch the notes of a woman orgasming on the night air, hand awkwardly down my pants. So I sent in an email to the Mint. With a drunken picture of Ash attached, with a note declaring his interest in the buxom blonde presenter, Miss Shoob.

Little did I know, he had his TV on while serenading his new woman, so I heard roars of laughter from the female as he ran out of his room, banging on my door shouting "YOU LITTLE SHIT OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR" in a drunken stupour, thinking his chances had been ruined. Brilliant. Video of the appearance is below...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScC4nzIs_go

Turns out, incidentally, that he got a blowjob after he calmed down...Bastard.

P.S. "My Main Package Sunny" is some fat slag we knew, just wanted her to get merked on live TV
(Fri 12th Jun 2009, 17:07, More)

» How nerdy are you?

Piano
My grandad, bless him, gave me and my sister a Yamaha keyboard thing to play with when we were about 13 years old. Thing is, it was probably from the 70s, very old and tacky, but it still had a few instrument noises in it, with a few terrible MIDI drum beats for the budding musicians. Naturally, the old school keyboard intruiged me (I still had my Amiga 500 set up in my room so I could play Q-Bic for hours at a time).

Anyways, my sister and I used to argue a lot over the PC, desperate to chat to our online friends as some sort of social verification that we actually meant something in the world. My sister had just taken over the "shift" for the evening, my parents were out and I had nothing to do. So I fetch this old keyboard downstairs and start to prick about on it. Short on space, I had to play it from the floor, and it was most comfortable to play lay down. Before long, I'm familiar with all the tempo buttons, all the different instruments and drum beats and can basically operate it to a decent level. Five minutes later and I'm confident enough to play in front of a camera.

I started with an up tempo "jam" as it were, bashing keys to a backdrop of tinny steel drums and maracas. If you heard it now, you'd probably mistake it for windnoise, but it increased my confidence no end. I took my shirt off, ever the showman, and put a hat over my head...that's right, I was going to play blindfolded.

I was loving it, playing "chords" and what not, speeding up and slowing down, changing volume and that, really in my element. All the little buttons did something different and I was in a veritable wet dream of awful home brewed music. I continued for at least 15 minutes, before removing the hat and speaking to the camera in my prone state. I begin to discuss my influences and how I really secretly liked the Spice Girls. My love for Star Wars came up and after ranting for 4 or 5 minutes about the genius of my music I say in my clearest voice. "Music...is....POWER!!!" and drift into an impromptu vocal rendition of an explosion and the superman theme, pretending to fly through the air, riding the wave of confidence I had just bodged together.

My sister, pissed off that I'd ruined the last 20 minutes of her internet time by pricking about in the corner, got her revenge and emailed the video to my friends, with several commenting on my love of girl power and Princess fucking Leia.

Worst part is that we got the keyboard when we were thirteen, my sister didn't email the damn thing til I was 20.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 1:08, More)

» Customers from Hell

Another IT one.
I'm currently working in Tech Support for a very friendly ISP who get awards for such good customer support, but a few years ago my father (if you remember, his drunken dancing got into the newsletter a few months back) had trouble getting his internet working. He gave me a call one Sunday for help with getting on the internet to send some invoices to clients while I was at my friends house, with another friend and his little brother. My Dad uses me for help cos he doesn't know much, so I do his invoices and such, and in this instance I'd already crept out before he had time to ask.

I start explaining to my Dad why the internet isn't working, and he starts getting angry because he's clueless. Anyway, because friend's little bro is enjoying his toys he starts laughing, which sets me off, and therefore my Dad hangs up in a rage, saying I'm a disrespectful son.

Me and friends have a good laugh. He calls again in 10 minutes and we all crack up before I take the call. I explain about my friend's brother laughing at the toys, not that he listens, and more tech support ensues. I explain he just needs to unplug/plug back in the modem, and thats it. Brother starts laughing again...

So (and picture a broad Bolton accent here), he says "TAKE THE PISS OUT OF ME AGAIN YOU DISRESPECTFUL FUCKERS? I'll try again......OH! CONNECTION FAILED, JOB FUCKED, I'M OFF TO THE PUB!"


He didn't get in until 7am the following morning, invoices still hadn't been done either.
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 22:45, More)