b3ta.com user chrisdood
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» My sex misconceptions

Testicle fanny eggs?
When I was in primary school (year 4 or 5) there was a guy in the year above who would spend lunchtimes telling a select few of me and my friends all about sex...

Apparently when your intercoursing with a lady, one of your testicles flows from your scrotum through your penis, through the bell end and into the lady. This egg then developes into a baby and the testicle would then grow back a few days later. If you did not wish to be a father you would proceed to root around in your lady pals vagina, remove the testicle egg and stamp on it.

A likely story.
(Fri 26th Sep 2008, 23:02, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

How to: Restore your will to live whilst doing the weekly shop.

When i'm bored in tesco I pick up something like Nuts or Zoo magazine (any soft core porn will do) and wait until I see a mother and son shopping, (this works best when the son is about 9-12)then wait until they are both distracted and dump the mag into their trolley, the mum notices the naughty mag and thinks her son put it in, then i sit back and enjoy the telling off/arkward conversation that follows.
(Sun 16th Mar 2008, 11:00, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Went there once. Place was a fucking mess.

*If you get this, you're a nerd.
(Sat 31st Oct 2009, 17:01, More)

» Tramps

"Would you like to stroke my monkey?"
McDonalds, late evening, Cambridge.

After a few hours of buggering around in the city me and my slightly intoxicated student chum-pals go for some eats at MaccyD's.

While I'm waiting for my apple pie a staggering, homeless Scotsman approaches me and asks,

"Would you like to stroke my monkey?" in an accent rough enough to give you a nasty carpet burn.

Now, at this point I'm panicking. A tramp's just asked me to wank him off in the middle of an almost empty fast-food outlet in the late hours of the night, he might have a knife...

But then the tramp suprises me, he unzips his coat to reveal a cheeky little plush monkey teddy and tickles it's chin. I laugh, he laughs, everythings okay again.
(Sat 4th Jul 2009, 2:17, More)

» Cringe!

When I was just a young'un at a Halloween party...
I distinctly remember that a friend of mother came as a witch.
Now, this lady had lived her entire life with a rather inpressively sized nose and a poor unsuspecting lady who hadn't met her before assumed it was part of the costume.

"That's a cracking job you've done with the nose!" said she.
Ooooh, those words alone fill my mind's eye with images of flaming cars flipping over again and again, then exploding.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 21:13, More)
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